Marriage Issues/Advice

LavenderBee

My inner control freak is demonstrated by preferring to do everything myself, not trying to push hubs to do it!

I do most "family" things, I'm out the house 11 hours + every day with work, and lived by myself (and in another relationship) for 10 years before marrying. Hubby is in the forces and lived with his parents before then. I am more experienced in household admin, cleaning, maintenance and repairs as a result. Hubby now has some specific "man chores" and he likes to do these as a routine - I prefer to do everything else as needed. But we both appreciate what the other does; the "man chores" are ones I really hate doing and love that they are done without asking. Hubby knows that without me doing admin things, they would be forgotten (e.g. family birthdays) or cost more (e.g. insurances) and thanks me for dealing with them.

Essentially for us, it's all about balance. I will happily take responsibility for household banking and utilities in order not to have to empty the bins on a Sunday afternoon!

cyantist

I went back to work full time a couple of months ago after maternity leave and coping with us both working plus a child to look after isn't easy. I find that if everything is left until the weekend then the weekend is just full of jobs and we aren't able to do fun things.
It does depend what's on her list - is it a case of her wanting a huge list of jobs to be completely every single day, or is it more a long list and she wants to tick one or two off each day? The first is her being unrealistic really, but if she only expects one or two things doing each day to ensure the weekend isn't one huge list of tasks, then I don't think it's too much to expect that things are done on evenings after work

Mojisola

TheGame21 wrote: »

My question is how you deal with jobs to be done in your marriage? e.g paperwork, house chores, jobs.

She has a massive list which contains all jobs which need to be done

Employ a cleaner - he/she can be left exact instructions about what work needs to be done.

However my wife is determined to ensure jobs are done every day and then also monitors jobs such as when I am writing my own Xmas cards and other jobs related to me.

Why is she supervising you writing cards? If your relatives and friends don't get cards, that's your issue, not hers.

We have been through marriage counselling where her controlling nature has been identified however no progress has been made.

Back to counselling! You can't live your life like that.

[Deleted User]

If a man says that he'll fix it, he'll fix it.
No need to nag him every six months about it .....

Attila_the_Bun

Women like to make lists, men rarely do.

Two different ways of doing things, where if you're lucky the two will complement each other, but if not, as in your case, oil and water don't mix.

Tell the truth I wouldn't put up with someone barking orders at me and demanding I do things at certain times, but then neither would I want to leave everything till the weekend.

richardw

Address the control freakery problem.

thriftylass

Attila_the_Bun wrote: »

Women like to make lists, men rarely do.

Two different ways of doing things, where if you're lucky the two will complement each other, but if not, as in your case, oil and water don't mix.

Tell the truth I wouldn't put up with someone barking orders at me and demanding I do things at certain times, but then neither would I want to leave everything till the weekend.

Plus women and men see the house different. On any given night after work, let them both look around a house and make a list of things they see needing done.

Men: maybe dishes, bin

Women: lunches, dishes, bins, washing, quick swipe of the floors, wipe work tops, get that smear of the glass door, recycling, oh, bins need onto the street, duvet covers are due to be washed etc etc., what's for dinner tomorrow (even worse if kids involved), nearly forgot it's x's birthday in three days better buy a present

It might be a stereotype but in my personal experience that's the situation no matter if the wife works full-time or not. Men just don't necessarily see the things a women sees that need doing, and I don't even blame them as women and men see things differently often. The only thing that works is talk and find common ground or a system that works. I also like to do things during the week to free up the weekend. Your wife seems very organised (brithday prep etc) but a bi OTT when it comes to checking up on this being done (btw Christmas cards get chased up here too ). Just talk and meet in the middle. I for myself find it pointless to "nag" my husband about certain things and just get on with things he doesn't "get". Not worth risking the marriage over.

Additionally, OP if she works part time and then has the little one the rest of the day, you might as well consider her working full time and share most jobs/chores equally as looking after kids is tiring and not a cushy number.

LavenderBee

thriftylass wrote: »

Plus women and men see the house different. On any given night after work, let them both look around a house and make a list of things they see needing done.

Men: maybe dishes, bin

Women: lunches, dishes, bins, washing, quick swipe of the floors, wipe work tops, get that smear of the glass door, recycling, oh, bins need onto the street, duvet covers are due to be washed etc etc., what's for dinner tomorrow (even worse if kids involved), nearly forgot it's x's birthday in three days better buy a present

It might be a stereotype but in my personal experience that's the situation no matter if the wife works full-time or not. Men just don't necessarily see the things a women sees that need doing, and I don't even blame them as women and men see things differently often. The only thing that works is talk and find common ground or a system that works. I also like to do things during the week to free up the weekend. Your wife seems very organised (brithday prep etc) but a bi OTT when it comes to checking up on this being done (btw Christmas cards get chased up here too ). Just talk and meet in the middle. I for myself find it pointless to "nag" my husband about certain things and just get on with things he doesn't "get". Not worth risking the marriage over.

I agree with this. I'm sure there are plenty of couples out there where the opposite is true too, but for me I was brought up with a very house proud mother (who was a housewife) who kept the home at show-home standard at all times. I am nowhere near this at all, but it does give me a different perspective. I can see 100 things that need doing at any one time, I will decide on the 10 most important, whereas hubby might only see 1 or 2 full stop. But we each know how the other was brought up; and we understand that his brain doesn't always recognise things that should be done and that I probably see too much! We can laugh about it now and he asks me to tell him what needs doing sometimes, and equally he'll tell me to sit down with a brew for 20 minutes too. It's who we both are as individuals and what we married into.


In fact I may even go so far as to say that we're better off because of our differences, because we influence each other for the better.

CorrieCooper

Hello, I think a proper understanding is required to live a happy life. Recently my friend was under depression after his marriage and he also faced many ups and downs. As suggested by his uncle, he visited to professional martin-voyance who provided him the best solution to overcome depression.

thriftylass

LavenderBee wrote: »

We can laugh about it now and he asks me to tell him what needs doing sometimes, and equally he'll tell me to sit down with a brew for 20 minutes too. It's who we both are as individuals and what we married into.

:rotfl: Sounds like me and hubby.