Money Moral Dilemma: Should my husband contribute more to our finances?

jjay13

[Deleted User] wrote:

:T

Couldn't agree more.

A joint account is only needed for household bills. We pay in an amount proportionate to our respective incomes. I pay 60% of the bills as I earn more. My wife pays in 40%.

The rest of our income is to do as we please as long as we each have enough leftover when R&R or holidays need paying more.

This is exactly what we do - it's worked fine for us for 22 years!

To the OP - why are you asking here? TALK to your OH!

NeilCr

dmcc0 wrote: »

For all those saying that finances in a marriage should be combined and shared, I couldn't disagree more.

When my wife and I first got married everything went into a joint account, but then when she stopped work to look after the children things didn't go well. Cash was really tight and she felt as if she had to ask permission to spend anything, saying that because I was the sole earner the finances were my responsibility. To be honest neither of us was (is?) that great with money anyway but with the constant asking for permission it made me feel guilty constantly saying "no" to anything but essentials and I'd quite often give in and allow little treats. Things rapidly spun out of control though and we ended up miserable with quite a large amount of debt. She blamed me for not keeping control of the finances and I blamed her for the lack of support and "guilting" me into letting her spend; in truth we were as bad as each other. We ended up separating shortly afterwards and while finances weren't the main reason I firmly believe at was a major factor.

Fast forward a few years and I'd managed to clear most of the debt and we grew closer again and decided to give it another go. We've had separate accounts ever since (about 10 years now) and would never go back to a joint account, it just caused too much stress. My wife still doesn't work as she's carer to our 2 disabled kids and money is still tight but we've worked out what works best for us.

Yes

I had something like this. My wife had to give up work because of ill health. We had a joint account (she had an ill health pension). While not having your financial constraints this still caused problems as she would, at times, spend an awful amount on clothes and we would go overdrawn. This led to conflict - I said we couldn’t go on like this - she didn't want to have to ask permission to spend money (I didn’t want her to have to ask) etc

We resolved this by each paying an amount into a joint account for bills and keeping the rest to spend as we wanted, It worked very well.

It’s not for everyone - but not everyone’s relationships are the same.

Crystalsaver

I’m shocked at the reponse to this situation. I myself am happily married and when it comes to finances we have, for our entire relationship of 13 years, worked out the bills 50/50 or altered it if the others salary has increased. We have our own bank accounts and a joint saver. My father brought me up to always treat finances this way. Marriage to me doesn’t mean that we become one financially, we are both individual to each other. Being financially independent is important even when married. But also making sure that the bills are covered by both is important. I believe it is a loss of identity, part of life is managing your own finances/bank account. No one knows what the future may hold all we can do is make sure that we are able to handle our finances ourselves. In answer to this dilemma I would have an honest and open conversation with him and discuss between you what the new normal will become. Once you have figured it out together it will be a relief to both of you. The money each person earns they have worked hard for themselves. There should be no judgement on a person deciding to have their own bank account or for the bills to be split a specific way.

Happy-Chappy

My husband and I have the perfect financial system. It had worked for us for years. He earned the money and I spent it.

tain

Who cares who pays for what, what name bank accounts are in, and who to sue to claim your fair share of the marriage back.

This is a relationship dilemma, not a financial one.

As a good husband and wife, we make sure each other is comfortable. And as a good husband and wife, we work hard so the other is never in a position where they need to ask to be more comfortable.

batrachophagus

starting_again_in_the_sun wrote: »

If you really must keep your incomes separate, you should probably pay a % of bills representative of your income share rather than just splitting it 50/50.

So, if your husband earns 60k and you, for example, earn 20k, he should pay for 75% of the outgoings from the joint account.

I would be concerned if he had a problem with this....

They look like gross incomes, the ratio will be very different for take home pay.

ViolaLass

dmcc0 wrote: »

For all those saying that finances in a marriage should be combined and shared, I couldn't disagree more.

When my wife and I first got married everything went into a joint account, but then when she stopped work to look after the children things didn't go well. Cash was really tight and she felt as if she had to ask permission to spend anything, saying that because I was the sole earner the finances were my responsibility. To be honest neither of us was (is?) that great with money anyway but with the constant asking for permission it made me feel guilty constantly saying "no" to anything but essentials and I'd quite often give in and allow little treats. Things rapidly spun out of control though and we ended up miserable with quite a large amount of debt. She blamed me for not keeping control of the finances and I blamed her for the lack of support and "guilting" me into letting her spend; in truth we were as bad as each other. We ended up separating shortly afterwards and while finances weren't the main reason I firmly believe at was a major factor.

So have your own accounts where you put/keep an agreed amount of individual spending money with which you may do as you please but which does not get topped up again until next pay day. Then no one has to ask anyone for permission.

batrachophagus

No it isn't fair, but it is a continuation of the status quo. Perhaps you should already have discussed how you could together fund parental leave. What does he spend all 'his' money on?


But pooled money doesn't work for everyone. Some people admit they are bad with money. As long as you are not using finances to control someone, I don't see that it is anyone else's business.

Scorpio33

I agree in principle that everything needs to be shared equally.

However, that only works if you have similar attitudes to money. More often than not, one person in the relationship is a spender, the other a saver. If things were split 50/50, it often leads to resentment on the saver as they are left with no money for what they want, with the other spent it already.

The other aspect is that if you did split everything 50/50, there would be little incentive for anyone to strive to earn more, as they would not be getting much benefit from earning more.

batrachophagus

Scorpio33 wrote: »

The other aspect is that if you did split everything 50/50, there would be little incentive for anyone to strive to earn more, as they would not be getting much benefit from earning more.

The opposite. If you split everything 50/50 then any pay increase is 100% 'yours'.