A Simpler Life 2018

[Deleted User]

GreyQueen wrote: »

Guys, I have just been blown away by a TedX talk by Caroline McHugh called The Art of Being Yourself. I highly commend this to all of us in search of simplicity and perhaps in search of ourselves.

Plus, she has a Glaswegian accent to die for..........

Thanks for the recommendation.

Just watched it and it is great and quite profound - got me thinking! :T

jackyann

Oh dear, Juliettet, I see that you cant really do anything else, and I hope it teaches her a lesson.
I found that a problem arises from parents who want to care for their children, don't always 'get' the point about encouraging self-reliance. I have, on more than one occasion, been seen as the parent who didn't 'care' ie: rush around after kids instead of getting them to problem solve for themselves.

On one occasion, a group of fit, sensible 18-20 year olds were out in London when a bomb scare meant that they could not take the route back to the train station that they knew, and had missed the train. When mine rang me, I said 'where are you? I know you have an A-Z with you, look to see how far to walk to the train station' (I knew it was about a mile). I looked up the train timetable (before smartphones). There is a train in about 90 minutes, so walk to the station and wait there.'
Net morning, I was told 'when X rang her dad, he said - go to a cafe and I will drive to get you - I felt awkward taking up that offer, but it seemed silly to go off on my own'. I agreed, and when I saw X's dad simply thanked him, but didn't say "why on earth go out at 2 in the morning, on a 2 hour round trip, when they could have easily walked to the station and caught a train". And in my mind, were probably rather safer in a station where trains run 24 hours than in a cafe in the middle of the night.
Now I know X's dad just wanted to look after his chick, but it encouraged the idea that dad will just rush round - and 10 years on, he still does! I felt that I was more helpful by saying effectively - thanks for letting me know - I know you can cope - ring again if there's any more problems'. But I had to work hard not to feel like the mum who 'didn't bother' and 'gets others to do things'.

[Deleted User]

I took one look at the social life of other children when my oldest was born and decided there and then not to play! We didn't go abroad for holidays from choice, too much of interest we hadn't visited in the UK, we didn't go to hotels but always took a self catering week in the summer and did masses of things that interested all of us, it was fun. Mine did playschool and were happy, we were lucky enough to have a good social side to He Who Knows workplace so had access to 100 acres of woodland walks, a free swimming pool, a childrens playground and a sports field and we used them but we all went not just the children. Home activities were cooking together, reading together, making craft projects together, picnics in the garden and the park, I taught them to sew, we've always had allotments and as soon as they could stand up and walk the came with us and dropped beans and potatoes in holes and picked produce, we watched birds, they got to know all the wildflowers in our area, so much more than they would have got from being clones of everyone else in clubs. When they were old enough we took them occasionally to the theatre, to concerts, to the ballet (only at our nearest theatre), we visited cathedrals, castles, watched re-enactments, had dogs and did country dog shows. There really is so very much that you can give them other than club activities and hopefully when they grow up they'll be your best friends like mine are, and the enjoyment goes on and on. Grandchildren are another step altogether and I'm so looking forward to doing it all again with them xxx.

Bluegreen143

Thanks so much ladies

You all have some wonderful advice and ideas which I’m taking good note of. Tbh I feel a bit like the “odd one out” of the group because I’m the only one not working.

I think it’s like decluttering Stuff - we have to learn that more Stuff comes at a cost - no matter how good the Stuff is, it is costing us in time, energy and space as well as money. Well adding more to your schedule is costing you too which I don’t think some people are always conscious of. A class might be great but it’s also taking an hour of your life which might have been spent doing something else (baking together, pottering about in the garden, cuddling in bed).

Interestingly my LB has been potty trained for 3m and is the only one in the group to be. Not because he’s particularly special or I’m a particularly good parent, but I took two weeks “off” where we mostly stayed in to get it done. Friends tell me they can’t do that - of course because of work, but also they have too many pre-paid activities and social events on. Now I’m not saying they are all ready or should be PT at the same time! Or that they are making the wrong choice. It’s just a different one. But for me PTing is a basic and the “extras” need to be fit in around it (just like family meals at the table, which we do every night, time outdoors, reading together etc). I don’t think anyone loads up their schedule thinking “I’m making a conscious choice to choose music class, swimming, football and gymnastics over family dinners and getting a free run to potty train”, but I do think that the unintended result of this kind of scheduling is the basics suffer a bit.

Thanks again ladies. Getting the chance to think all this through has really helped me this week

Picklepot

Many thanks for your kind concern (pipney jane) and for your advice on spray cleaners and sensitivity (cronky40, grey queen, mary b).
As i get older im getting worse, plug in air fresheners and candles had to go last year and i agree with you about perfumes too.
I think i shall resort to cream cleaners, having been brought up in an aajjax household cream cleaners were a breakthrough..is it me or did cJIF become much stronger when it became jCIF?

Emmala

Also delurking to try and reassure Bluegreen that it’s ok not to quite fit in with the other mums, you just have to do what you think is right for your children and family. We have three kids and I became a SAHM after number two. We agreed that they all had to swim and we wanted them to go through brownies/Scouts which they have done. They have all had opportunities with after school clubs, my eldest plays football (his one true love) and the other two play a racquet sport at the weekend. It has been busy at times - at one point all three did something in three different places at the same time- but now it’s calmed down and I don’t feel bad at all that some of their friends do more than they do. They have found what they enjoy and as the oldest two are in secondary school I don’t want them out every day as I think it does them good to have some evenings chilling at home.

I would advise avoiding the trap of doing something every day in the holidays when they are young, if you start this they will soon expect it every day of every holiday and won’t be able to amuse themselves at home. When mine were younger we used to go to the kids cheapy cinema, bake, ice biscuits, make play dough, get the paint out, watch a movie and make popcorn etc. Activities wise, they were taken swimming, all went through the local church playgroup and that was about it apart from going to my mums and maybe seeing friends. We were also incredibly lucky that for a few years my dad bought us season tickets for the local theme park, as this meant we could just pop in for a couple of hours, maybe just to the water park bit in the summer, meet up with friends there and it was worth every penny as they got so much enjoyment of of it.

This year is our first holiday abroad, usually we go camping and have a week at my in laws on the Norfolk coast which has been our beach holiday year in year out. I don’t think they’ve missed out, and now feel that they are old enough to appreciate the costs involved in things so I’m hoping they appreciate it more (than some of their bratty friends who are given everything they want whenever they want it!)

Fuddle, my youngest is also nine. I completely get what you say about the yummy mummies. I’ve been treated rather shabbily by my group of ‘friends’ this past year and have distanced myself. I’m not sure why, I think some of it stems from jealousy by the queen bee, but it’s a bit full on, and my circumstances mean I don’t want or can’t do everything they do each time, so I’ve been sidelined a bit. Which has morphed into being blackballed it seems! Ah well, it hurts but I’d rather no friends than fake ones. And I do have other friends, I’m just not someone who wants to be doing things with one group of people every time someone clicks their fingers.

Great thread by the way x

IrisViolet

Hi all,
Not posted for a while but have been having a catch up today and enjoying it. I have been consciously using the internet less and reading more. I've managed 5 books so far since New year which must be some kind of record for me. Because I'm prioritising it I guess and trying to spend time doing what i enjoy not what I feel obligated to do.
Totally agree that children don't need masses of activities. I have four kids (young) and have tried various classes and hated being committed to it plus the expense!!
Now we potter about, do the food shop, go to the park, go to two playgroup a week, the library, swimming, play at home and read or have friends over. I think it's better.
At weekends when my older kids are home we goto the park/museums/galleries plus spend time at home as They are tired out and need it. None of mine do extra curricular stuff. My eldest dd (7) danced for a few years but the demand of it all was stressing her too much as it was a really strict ballet school, the teaching was exemplary but she had no desire to be a ballerina and is much happier since she stopped going.

I've just added up my spending diary for January (so far as month ends on the 28th for us) and quite pleased.
Food - £340.84
Parking - £5.50
Treats - £44.56 (this is wine and also a cafe trip)
Activities - £2 (playgroup)
Presents - £25.48 (two of my friends children)
We have also put petrol in the cars (separate budget) and my husband bought new trainers for himself and our son (much needed and cost about £60 altogether). My husband has a separate bank account as do I and is transferred a budget for himself but also needs to buy petrol out of it. I think he's spent a little on eating out as on Fridays him and his work colleagues have a pub lunch.
We also bought a new hose for our Dyson that cost £17.99.

I think we've done really well considering but could improve in some areas.
I'm trying so hard to not be part of mindless consumerism.

I think before the 27th I will need a small amount of food and one more birthday gift for my friends one year old whose party we are attending on Sunday. I've been spending a little more on birthday gifts as I'm trying to support my lovely local independent toy shop and not amazon.

One thing I've noticed is I feel better. I've made a real effort not to over commit myself and to make time to just relax. I've also been going to bed earlier.

jackyann

When I think of the tremendous support I had from other mums over the years, my heart goes out to those of you who feel rather 'left out'. I hope that at ordinary places - like community groups and libraries - you can find parents who will support you and who you can support. One of the pleasures of my life is seeing some of the children whose lives we shared growing up to be caring adults.
Of course, we, like so many other parents, ended up spending a lot of time & money carting them about for their genuine interests as they got older (and fortunately being able to share lifts & teas with others) but that is different.
Irisviolet - we too have a fantastic independent toy shop that we support, and I often find that a thoughtful gift from there costs less than a 'thoughtless' one would!

moneyistooshorttomention

maryb wrote: »

Back on the subject of cream cleaners, I also go for the basics range. I noticed that the brand leader has a label on saying "with microcrystals". It's maybe just something like bicarb - but it put me off because you wonder if it's microbeads ie plastic. They say manufacturers use microbead plastics because they are cheaper than natural abrasives. I wonder if they are finding that "microcrystals" label is backfiring on them?

I have been wondering that - as I bought a bit of "conventional" cream cleaner recently in case my green cream cleaner wasnt strong enough. Then I spotted the word "microcrystals" on it and thought "That's a new one on me". Followed by thinking that surely it's exactly what they say it is - ie weeny crystal stones. On the other hand wondering if they're lying and they actually really mean "plastic microbeads". I'm not sure whether they're telling the truth (in which case - it's okay) or trying to "pull wool over eyes" - ie in saying it's "crystals" but really its "plastics". Does anyone know which it is?

************

On a very different tack - and friends/"friends" come in many guises and us single/childless people can be left wondering just how to think of someone too. Right now - I'm feeling more than a little puzzled by having recently received a "Special Friend" birthday card from someone in my home area I've been regarding as a friend for some years now. But - it wasnt even posted until days late/addresses me as "Miss MTSTM" (which I've never been - I've always been adamant I'm a "Ms MTSTM"). I don't know what to think about her. When I've gone back and stayed with her on "home visits" recently she's done things like being EXTREMELY lax with her home security (though I'm sure I must have mentioned that many years back I was raped in my "home of the time" because of security problems and decided nothing like that was ever going to happen to me again)/answered her mobile phone whilst driving me round in her car (though I'd told her not to do that ever again after she'd done that once before when I was in her car)/lied to me/been absolutely adamant that a shared episode from our past wasnt as I remember it (when it darn well was). At my age (60's) - one wonders whether the memory of same-age-group people has started to go and they arent aware of it - but I don't think hers has......

Hence currently waiting to see if she'll ever apologise for those lies/lack of regard for my safety/etc - to see whether she really is a friend or no....but I strongly suspect not....

System

On the subject of cream cleaners. After reading everybody's comments I thought I would try some as got a stain on work surface that I can't remove. So I nipped out and bought some savers range from Morrison's...only 30p! I can see why its cheap though, ....incredibly runny and didn't get the stain out anyway.
What are the best ones anybody uses? Not sure what the stain is. Its a yellowy colour. Could be tumeric or stain from squash or ....not sure really.