2 days on, wife says she "hates me!"

Stevev99

Couple of days on after posting "lightbulb moment" post after what I thought was going to be my toughest moment, I thought my wife was upset but resigned to help plan the DMP with CCC.

Tonight was very tough and even being a guy brought me to tears.
She just told me she hates me and has no other feeling for me after the betrayal she feels I have done running up the debt and hiding it until now.

I feel emotionally shattered, I look at the pictures of us around the room in happy moments, I remember it was only a few days ago she told me she loved me and now it's all come crashing down. I feel like the lowest piece of nothing in the world.

Possibly just possibly I believe she may come around and we can tackle this together. But it's hard to imagine it getting fixed between us when I see the venom in her eyes tonight and our 4 year old asleep in her room upstairs.

What have I done?

I will push on with the CCC but just needed to offload with you guys tonight since right now the world seems a really bad place

lunar

hi, wanted to send you a hug, i cant imagin what it must have taken you to admit your debt to her. i found it hard to admit mine to my partner, but i was telling him before we moved in together.

you have done the right thing, you cant punish yourself for your past mistake, you have told her now and thats all you can do. of course she will be disressed now but maybe she just needs time to get her head around things. Keep on posting, keep going with the ccc and give her time.

you have done the right thing in telling her, you know yourself that you will never make the same mistake again. People make much worse mistakes in life than debt.

JCD_Capulet

Big hugs to you Steve.
All I can really say on the matter is that your wifes comments are possibly born from anger and upset. We all say things we really don't mean when we're angry/emotional. All that has changes is that you've opened up to your wife, and laid your problems infront of her to see. YOU haven't changed, you've done nothing wrong, you've taken a step in the right direction and admitted your debts. THAT is to be applauded.

Hopefully your wife will come around to the understanding that you are trying to do what's best.

All the best m'dear x

Toto

I doubt it's you she hates, but more likely the situation. She's feeling shocked and insecure, everything has changed for her, and although you are dealing with it, she probably feels it's all a little out of her control.

I don't doubt she has a million things running around her head, how will you manage, will you have to move? and all of the rest of it. It sounds to me as if she is lashing out, angry and afraid. Give her a little time, be kind, and listen to her. Then when she feels a bit better let her help with the working out the plan, so she knows exactly how things are and where the solution lies.

Floss

:grouphug:

Honesty is by far the best policy in a relationship, and IMHO you've done the right thing by telling her - imagine the upset if you hadn't & she'd found out at a later date.

Maybe things just seem very scary to her - she's had the comfy-rug pulled from under her feet and not everyone can cope well with that at first.

Try & sleep, take her a cuppa tomorrow morning and hopefully in time she'll come round to your suggestions & plans.

Love Floss xx

chloebelle

Steve you poor thing, I can understand how upset you must be.

Your wife is probably angry and frustrated and is taking this out on you. When she calms down talk to her, say you are sorry to have got in this mess but you had to be honest with her as you love her. Explain that every part of you wants to get out of the situation, but you need her love and support if you are going to do this.

Don't panic, I'm sure this is not the end, she is probably tired and upset and frightened. If you promise her you are doing everything you can I'm sure she will recover.

And whatever happens, there are loads of people here to support you.

And never feel stupid being a man who cries, all men cry even if they don't admit it, the fact that you reached this point proves that you really do care.

Keep us posted xxx

moz86

Hello, Not read your other post, as I can't find it, but just want to send you my support. Im sure you're wife is just speaking like that in the heat of the moment as its been a big shock. Together you'll work it through. Best of luck, keep posting here. Alot of financially experienced people, with alot of great advice, and a problem shared is a problem divided.

Hang on in there.

Jacks_xxx

:wave: Not to make you feel any worse honeybun, but she's just found out that you've been lying to her for a really long time.

She's got to be wondering what else is there that she doesn't know about, feeling like a fool, and as if your whole relationship is a sham.

And as if that's not enough... not just her emotional security has been compromised but her financial security as well.

Think of how you felt at lightbulb? Sick, shocked, rocked to the core and add to that the person you love lying to you and risking your home and future on top - and you'll be getting a clue of where her head is right now.

So I think the best way to get through this is to try and put yourself in her shoes and focus on trying to say and do things that will rebuild the trust between you.

When this happened to us I told my husband that I couldn't feel any worse if he'd had an affair - but I would have. (But at least then I'd have had someone to punch! :eek: )

I told him that clearly we did not have what I thought we had together and that he should pack a bag immediately 'n' get out of my sight.

But we got over it, and dealing with all this together has actually made our relationship stronger to be honest.

If you keep in mind that she's working through a horrendous shock and take on the chin anything she chooses to throw at you (literally in my case. :eek: ) then that will help her get through it.

And if she can get past the betrayal / deceit aspect then you can start working on this problem together.

But she's going to need to vent hon - and you're going to have to take it.

Massive apologies if this comes over as unsympathetic - I'm not at all - but the two of you aren't on the same page re the debts yet and having been in her position not too long ago I'm trying ( albeit clumsily) to get you to give her some time to come to terms with this huge life shattering shock.

She's just found out that her reality is not in fact "reality" and she's going to need a lot of support from you before she's going to be any help to you on this one.

Hugs,

Love Jacks xxx :kisses3:

Shortie

<<<< Hugs >>>>

Sometimes things feel better after a night's sleep, so maybe she'll have calmed down a bit by tomorrow. As others say, hopefully it's just her reaction to the news rather than her true feelings, especially as you say that everything was good between you a few days ago - it might just be the shock talking today?

Redbedhead

Unfortunately she has now had time to mull it over and is feeling a variety of emotions, similar to you including shock I would imagine.

I think you need to keep reassuring her of the important things - you love her and want to get the finances sorted out. You will do whatever you can to get the family out of debt.

In fairness, she has benefitted from this debt as well, it sounds like she never questioned where the money was coming from or if she cold afford extended maternity leave so she is probably feeling a bit silly as well, so it could be wounded pride that is making her say these things.

My now H did a similar thing to me and I was so disappointed in him, I wanted to know why he didn't feel he could tell me sooner, how had he let it get that bad etc. But I did get over it, we didn't split up and we got him debt free. It can be done and you have taken the first few steps to getting it resolved.

Good luck and I hope she comes round.

joeyjac

Hi

Just wanted to say i have been where you are now. I told my DH back in May and it was the worst time of my life. He too said some horrible things but it was just anger, a few months on and we are getting there. It will take time for your wife to take in what has happened but i'm sure it will be ok.

Atfer all you don't stop loving someone in a couple of days because of 1 stupid mistake.

It takes a lot of guts to confess (i should know) and you should be proud that you have done it now.

Just take it a day at a time, i found it to be a bit like a rollercoaster for the first few weeks (only a lot less fun!) He seemed to be getting it sorted in his mind and then something would spark it up again.

We are much stronger now although we do still have good days and bad days but i think as time goes on it will get better

Take care

x