Daughter jealous of brother

choccielover

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

Why you rather than their parents?

Why does it matter and what concern of yours??

karcher

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

Why you rather than their parents?

Is that at all relevant?

Savvy_Sue

Could be worth asking WHY she thinks he's the favourite, if she's in a place where she can talk about it?

Zeni

Booksandcandles wrote: »

I'm a long time poster but don't want to be recognised. My daughter is so jealous of her brother, she says he is the favourite child it is so not the case.
They are both in their twenties he has his own house with his girlfriend, which they worked hard to get. We've just found out that his girlfriend is expecting a baby which will be our first grandchild.
I know she is unhappy at work and is looking for a new job and today had a row with her boss.(I don't think he likes her having another job as he often gives her work to do last minute taking her past her finish time making her rush to get to her other job)
Her boyfriend says she was in a state yesterday so I'm thinking it might have been the news about the baby.
She and her boyfriend want to live together but cant afford to despite her doing a full time minimum wage job and a part time one as well.
I'm worried that she is going to walk out of her job. Tried talking to her and she says I don't understand.

I can reply based on my own experiences of being like your daughter, a few years younger than my brother..It probably all comes down to jealousy. Not in a bad way, but I remember when my brother first started working properly and he had a job in a very lucrative area meaning he was making really good money compared to my career choice. Everything that he did just seem to reinforce to me what I didn't have and I worried that compared to him I looked like I failed to my parents as they seemed so proud of him. Maybe that's how she feels?

Its hard having to follow someone who does so well - the big first job, the first house, getting married, having a child all these things my brother has already done first and that does get to you (even though they are older and so logically you can see it should be them!) . I bet she wishes she was the one having the house, having the child and being successful. Maybe all she needs a little reassurance from you as it doesn't seem like your doing anything above and beyond for him that your not doing for her.

moneyistooshorttomention

The baby may come into this in a different way to what one would think as well.

It simply never occurred to me that it would make any difference whatsoever to my life ever when my brother and his wife had children. I was being rather naive in hindsight - ie didnt know my brother very well as became clear. Our parents had always said that - come that time in the far future when their Will was read out it would be split 50/50 between my brother and myself. That is fair. We both knew that - and I thought we both accepted it. It turns out he didnt:(.

When he had those children he literally turned round and asked my mother re-write their Will (yep...theirs...but she's the one who makes all financial decisions for them both) and requested that he and his children be given more than 50%. My maths soon told me what that would mean for me:cool:. I know she wants to leave him more than 50%. What I don't know is whether that is what she has actually done - and hence a cloud cast over things all round - and visible proof to me that my brother is her favourite child (even if she hasnt changed it - which I dont know). Even if she hasnt changed it to unfair - its just the mere fact that I know that is what she wants to do.

So - daughter may have met/heard of someone in my position and fears her own brother doing the pre-emptive strike mine has done - and maybe not getting rebuffed by OP. The brother now has an excuse - which she will never have if she doesnt have children herself. That could be a reason why the presence of a baby could be stirring things up too.

svain

If she is accusing you of having favourites then tell her to get a grip (assuming you havent favoured your son) .... All this justifying to kids how pennies have been divided over the years is not their business

If she is just frustrated with her life and you are not able/willing to help her out financially then all you can do is grit your teeth and be a sounding board, emotionally support her and perhaps offer advice when you can.

Kynthia

Give her time to adjust to the baby news as it can be really hard when you want the same thing desperately but can't.

Generally I feel that it's much harder to deal with your siblings doing much better than you compared to your friends. Perhaps because you feel you should be similar given you have the same genes and were given the same start in life, or perhaps because you want to make your parents proud. I think something that would help is you saying that you are proud of her and why. Perhaps it's how hard she works, or some skill or achievement of hers, especially anything better than or different from her brother.

*max*

Robisere - would you adopt me as your granddaughter please?

[Deleted User]

Booksandcandles wrote: »

He is older than her and both him and his girlfriend have their own business each. She is saving in a Help to Buy Isa. I wont go into detail about where she works but they expect her to do a role for which minimum wage is not enough. I think if she can find another job better paid she would be happier.

But is that job permanent? In the gig economy we're in. I've just signed another fixed term contract (albeit slightly longer) for nearly same large amount of wage continually - it by no means is security.

A permanent job around here doesn't fetch much.

Getting on to the main focus, me and 'my better then me brother' use to be just this way - early 30's when it stopped, now I've the fear of what happens when parents are gone as I'm not liking the thought of dealing with anything alone or my brother going before for the injuries he sustained. It played a part in Dad's cancer and Mum's depression. So any family rage like this is better lost. You wouldn't have believed the barny we had back in my debt ridden days when I looked straight through my brother, one time when out, back in the days when he could stand, to the nightmare I had one time when I could see this pair of legs in the road and nothing I could do.

I'm sure something else will occupy her soon x having resonsibility of own house is hard, when the heating goes bust, smoke alarm replacement (great neighbour relations when they kick the bucket at 6am in the morning letting you know their 10 years life span is up :o) or a re wire of electrics is needed, they will realise who it falls to and wish they could spend wages on other things I am sure. That's without the messy ones - Tell them to enjoy the freedom before they have to.

The parents always tried to be fair - What one got, the other has to have same. I was always going to be the one needing help, had no appreciation the tables could turn.

annandale

Pre emptive strikes? Wills? Are you seriously suggesting that she's upset about a baby because of a will?

I actually thought when I read the title that you were going to be talking about a couple of young kids, not young adults.

She could have been in a state about anything.

Why don't people want to be identified by their other account. Who on earth is going to recognise you from your posts.

Not everyone cares about wills and how much they might get when a relative dies.

Maybe some people see their parents as a source of income. I certainly don't.

Distasteful really.