Daughter jealous of brother

Booksandcandles

I'm a long time poster but don't want to be recognised. My daughter is so jealous of her brother, she says he is the favourite child it is so not the case.
They are both in their twenties he has his own house with his girlfriend, which they worked hard to get. We've just found out that his girlfriend is expecting a baby which will be our first grandchild.
I know she is unhappy at work and is looking for a new job and today had a row with her boss.(I don't think he likes her having another job as he often gives her work to do last minute taking her past her finish time making her rush to get to her other job)
Her boyfriend says she was in a state yesterday so I'm thinking it might have been the news about the baby.
She and her boyfriend want to live together but cant afford to despite her doing a full time minimum wage job and a part time one as well.
I'm worried that she is going to walk out of her job. Tried talking to her and she says I don't understand.

AylesburyDuck

I dont think this is something that can be fixed (by you), sounds like she has stresses in life and is just turning them on the person she loves (as is the way for mums).:o
Unfortunately she's going to just have to pull up her big girl panties and realise that life doesnt owe everybody a living and the only person that can sort her problem is her herself.
Sorry Mum, probably not what you wanted to hear.:o

System

If she is working two jobs (and the boyfriend is working as well?) how is it that she can't afford to save for a property but her brother and his girlfriend can?

JayJay100

That's a tricky one, and baby news can really push someone over the edge, if that's what they want too. It can seem so unfair when you're working as hard as you can, and yet everything seems to drop in someone else's lap, with (apparently) the minimum of effort.

There's a good chance that whatever you say now, will be wrong, so try to keep everything to a minimum, other than the listening; do lots of listening, if she wants you to. Even if you don't understand what she's getting at, try to convey that you do, and try not to defend your son's position, even if she's being unreasonable over it.

Good luck. I hope it all calms down quickly for you all.

Booksandcandles

He is older than her and both him and his girlfriend have their own business each. She is saving in a Help to Buy Isa. I wont go into detail about where she works but they expect her to do a role for which minimum wage is not enough. I think if she can find another job better paid she would be happier.

Booksandcandles

JayJay100 wrote: »

That's a tricky one, and baby news can really push someone over the edge, if that's what they want too. It can seem so unfair when you're working as hard as you can, and yet everything seems to drop in someone else's lap, with (apparently) the minimum of effort.

There's a good chance that whatever you say now, will be wrong, so try to keep everything to a minimum, other than the listening; do lots of listening, if she wants you to. Even if you don't understand what she's getting at, try to convey that you do, and try not to defend your son's position, even if she's being unreasonable over it.

Good luck. I hope it all calms down quickly for you all.

Thanks
She did say she may as well go on benefits and have a baby but I know she didn't mean it. I know I'm just a sounding board but it upsets me to see her like this. I really want to tell her boss what I think of him as well but I wouldn't interfere like that. The solution to that is to change jobs.

moneyistooshorttomention

Can you prove to the daughter that brother isnt "favourite child"? - ie quote exactly what help (financial and/or otherwise) they've both been given over the years and the treatment they've both had from you and the evidence proves treatment was absolutely identical?

There are some daughters that are very well aware that their brother is mothers favourite child - and, if no response at all is given to an accusation that "brother is favourite" (rather than providing hard evidence that it isnt so) then her likely reaction is to think to herself "I knew it....".

If she's going to say something like that then, if she is wrong, you have years to prove she's wrong on that (as she's still quite young). Better that than to have the daughter concerned bottling it up for 40/50/60 years and then coming out with it after all those years....:cool:

JayJay100

Booksandcandles wrote: »

Thanks
She did say she may as well go on benefits and have a baby but I know she didn't mean it. I know I'm just a sounding board but it upsets me to see her like this. I really want to tell her boss what I think of him as well but I wouldn't interfere like that. The solution to that is to change jobs.

You've hit the nail on the head; it's the baby. It's horrible to see your children upset, but this is when you have to be at your strongest and your most resilient. You're right, you can't interfere and tell her boss what you think of him, as much as you'd like too! When the time is right, perhaps suggest a change of jobs, and offer to help her. You could work on her CV together, keep an eye out for suitable jobs, or offer to help with interview techniques and practice. I know it may not feel like it at the moment, but you will get through this,

Fireflyaway

I'm an only child with just the one child myself, so maybe not qualified to say much?! However for what its worth I'd say its your daughters own unhappiness manifesting itself as jealously just as you suspect. Of course the ideal would be for us all to be overjoyed for other peoples success but I suppose human nature means we feel jealous when we feel we don't have something someone else has.
The only thing I can suggest is making an extra effort to spend time with your daughter. Pay her some compliments and don't mention her brother for a bit. Devote time just to her. The baby news might have thrown her and may take time to adjust to.

Robisere

Just had a similar problem with a granddaughter and her younger brother. She is 21, has a very good, well paid job. He is almost 19, dyslexic and in the last year of a college course, having worked his socks off over the years trying to get qualifications. He has always known that he has to work harder than his peers and it is beginning to pay off: whilst other lads on his course are dropping out and failing because they don't put in the work, he carries on struggling and passing.

Problems began when I started buying him stuff he needed for college: his sister came out one day with a really bitter speech about how much more he had received, than her. I prepared a statement for her, starting with the amount of a loan that I made her to buy a car, which she had paid off about 40% before I told her to stop and keep the rest, because I knew she was struggling. Followed that with all the things I paid for to get her through her own college course, and the driving lessons, and the 6 Theory tests that she needed to get a Pass.

I stressed to her that I didn't mind at all giving her the money, as I love all my grandkids and would do anything for them. But there is no such thing as one having "more" than the other: each receives what they need at the time. Then I added that i had prepred a similar statement concerning her brother, to prove how much less he actually received than her.

Then I said I was disappointed, as I had thought her more mature than her brother - was I so wrong?

Normal family love was resumed after a few tears and a 'Sorry granddad."

Tabbytabitha

Robisere wrote: »

Just had a similar problem with a granddaughter and her younger brother. She is 21, has a very good, well paid job. He is almost 19, dyslexic and in the last year of a college course, having worked his socks off over the years trying to get qualifications. He has always known that he has to work harder than his peers and it is beginning to pay off: whilst other lads on his course are dropping out and failing because they don't put in the work, he carries on struggling and passing.

Problems began when I started buying him stuff he needed for college: his sister came out one day with a really bitter speech about how much more he had received, than her. I prepared a statement for her, starting with the amount of a loan that I made her to buy a car, which she had paid off about 40% before I told her to stop and keep the rest, because I knew she was struggling. Followed that with all the things I paid for to get her through her own college course, and the driving lessons, and the 6 Theory tests that she needed to get a Pass.

I stressed to her that I didn't mind at all giving her the money, as I love all my grandkids and would do anything for them. But there is no such thing as one having "more" than the other: each receives what they need at the time. Then I added that i had prepred a similar statement concerning her brother, to prove how much less he actually received than her.

Then I said I was disappointed, as I had thought her more mature than her brother - was I so wrong?

Normal family love was resumed after a few tears and a 'Sorry granddad."

Why you rather than their parents?