Wife homesick and depressed

JayJay100

Just a thought, but would a long term plan to move back to the US help? A goal to aim for of perhaps something like four years? In that time, you could pay off the debts and your children would be able to choose what they want to do. Your wife would know that there is an end to her 'unhappiness' in sight, which may in itself help her. It would also give you breathing space, and reduce the chance of rash decisions. There could be all sorts of things going on here, that aren't necessarily related to the move, but she's putting the blame on that.

One of our friends is married to a New Zealander, who was born here, but emigrated when she was eight. When they married, she moved here, and they appeared to be very happy, but after ten years or so, she became unhappy, and they moved to New Zealand. Then they came back here. Then they went back again. They came back here for a holiday this year and she told me that when she's here, she wants to be there, and when she's there, she wants to be here, and she's still unhappy. Hubby is at breaking at point. Now they're due to come back here in 2018. It's a really difficult situation.

sheramber

I tis not as easy as just saying your wife and children will go to live in US.

Perhaps your wife could go on an 'extended holiday' to US to establish whether she does want to go back permanently. Reality can be different from what you imagine it will be like.

As a returning citizen who has been out of the US for 16 years you need to establish what is required for her return permanently. She will now be considered a returning non resident.

You need to establish how the children feel about going. Making them miserable to enable your wife feel better is not a solution.

If your children were to go with her you need to check what is required for them as British Citizens to enter US on a permanent basis.

Where will they live if she returns?

What income will she have to live on if she returns?

What will it all cost? You have a lot of research to do before deciding anything.

Once you know what is required you can set a goal of when it would be possible.

Tygermoth

I plant a further flag in the sand for homesickness covering other issues - My mother had massive bouts of 'homesickness' when we lived abroad but when she was back home in the UK - she just pined to be away living in color and places interesting/foreign.

Now she's been resident in the UK for a number of years this 'yearning' has morphed into what it really was - a general depressive illness with a personality disorder (diagnosed)

I genuinely don't believe she was homesick - it was just a very convenient peg to hang her sadness on. She used it as a crutch and a excuse for some very poor behavior that had long reaching effect on our and her family.

This being said - everyone is different especially where mental health is concerned so one person's experiences may not relate to another's.

(on reflection i don't think my mother wanted to confront her issues so she was very invested in her sadness being 'homesickness' a tangible and relatable issue amongst her peers and family - rather than identifying there was something deeper going on and having to confront that)

6feet

The children will be Dual us/uk citizens so that is not a problem.

The US taxes on worldwide income so hunts down all expats that have an American parent unfortunately :eek:

The educational system is completely different and it would be very disruptive to move the children at this point.

TBagpuss

Given the children are teens their wishes would need to be considered.

You'd also have to think about practicalities. Does your wife work, and how easy is she likely to find it to get a job if she moves back? How will you as a family afford health insurance for the children?

A move could be very disruptive for them educationally and in terms of their links with friends and so forth.

I agree that one option might be for the two of you to start thinking about a possible move as a long term goal - maybe once the younger child goes to University. that would allow time for you and your wife to research job options, costs of moving etc.

Shorter term, consider what it would cost for your wife to be able to make an extended visit to her family, and how you as a family could afford it. Again, forward planning might help - if you set a specific aim (e.g. we need to save £x to cover travel, insurance, costs while you're out their, your share of the bills etc here while you're away - let's set that as a savings goal with a view to you then being able to go from 2 months next year (or whatever time / cost works for you).