Wife homesick and depressed

blackberry2000

Hi all,


I married my wife back in 2001 in the US, she moved to the UK straight after, and we now have two teenage children.


She's been homesick for the last few years, and got depressed as a result of this, but has refused any help. twice now, she's got herself into debt which I'm struggling to pay off, and my trust in her has gone.
She desperately wants to go back to the US, but as a family it's impossible due to the debt we're in, which is going to take several years to pay off.


I've passed the idea to her that she can move back with the children while I remain here, which won't be ideal, but I can cope with it. The chances are it will end in divorce as our relationship is struggling anyway, but has anyone else got any ideas.

LilElvis

Surely moving 2 teenagers isn't a good idea as they must be heading towards examinations and the US education system and syllabus are extremely different to ours? It would be a tremendous upheaval for them all round - losing friends and regular contact with their father/ other relatives, the cultural change.

atolaas

Any chance of her US relatives coming over to the UK for a visit? It might help if she's able to talk through how she's feeling with her parents or another relative that she's close to.

chesky

I suspect the homesickness is a kind of diversion for the fact that she's basically unhappy with her life in general and it's easier to pick on this one aspect. If you live abroad from your original family but have a happy new life and a successful marriage and teenage kids who are (in this case) British, then you may regret not seeing your relatives but it doesn't make you depressed.
I'd look for other reasons.

blackberry2000

To answer some of the questions, her relatives don't have the money to come out here, and we now don't have the money to visit them either. She has no family over here at all either, which is why she desperately wants to go home, which I completely understand.


As for the children, it's a difficult situation with no easy answer, but as she dotes on them, then if she doesn't take them with her, she won't get any better.

peachyprice

blackberry2000 wrote: »

As for the children, it's a difficult situation with no easy answer, but as she dotes on them, then if she doesn't take them with her, she won't get any better.

But they're teenagers, old enough to decide whether or not they actually want to go. It would be very unfair of her to make them feel like they have to go with her if they want her to get better. On the other hand they may be chomping at the bit to go. Either way it has to be their decision. I wouldn't use disrupting their education as an excuse, children (even teens) are adaptable and they would soon adjust if they were happy being there.

Primrose

Have you checked to see if there are any American Womens' Associations in your area? They do exist. You don't say which part of the country you're living in but it might be worth Googling to check if there is one near you. I can understand her feeling homesick but if she could have some regular contact with other American wives and families over here who are experiencing the same problems she might not feel so lonely and "out of the loop".


What do your children who presumably are British feel about their mother wanting to uproot them and drag them off to the US when they're presumably at key points in their education?

You obviously have a computer. Do her family in the US have one? Could you not install Skype onto it so that she can have regular video chats with her family? . We do this with Canadian relatives and it's really great for making you feel closer to each other and up to date with what's happening in each others' lives. And it's free to use which is great if you're trying to reduce your debts.


Is your wife engaging in the debt reduction exercise?
Have you set yourselves regular targets so that you can have minor celebrations when certain targets are met? Celebrations don't have to be expensive or cost a lot of money but your wife needs to have some worthwhile targets to aspire to. Meanwhile, try and persuade her to give up the credit card and see a GP for her depression.


Are your children old enough to get on board in an effort to help her out of her current depression?
Do you think your wife senses that you feel the marriage might end in divorce anyway? If so, this may not be helping her to raise her game and start treating life in a more positive way.
Do you actually talk about these issues or does she simply close down and refuse to engage?

hollydays

Does she have friends?
Encourage her to get help for the depression, if that’s what it is, but if it’s not been diagnosed it could be a number of things.
Maybe find her a helpline?

System

I live abroad and I am experiencing lack of identity. Did she move to your area? Where you know everyone or alot of people.

I know I feel that if I dropped dead now where I am the only person would be upset is my other half.

I live somewhere were building connections is hard. I live in my other halfs area. Abroad. I dont even speak the language well. It's hard.

Try do things were she can meet independent people and gain her own friends. Most important thing.

chesky

Recommending making friends or joining clubs rather overlooks the fact that she's been here 16 years, not 16 months. If she'd wanted to do these things and hasn't, then there doesn't seem much point suggesting it now.
And making your teenage children change countries as a cure for her depression shows a complete disregard for them, unless they have a burning desire to move.

catkins

chesky wrote: »

I suspect the homesickness is a kind of diversion for the fact that she's basically unhappy with her life in general and it's easier to pick on this one aspect. If you live abroad from your original family but have a happy new life and a successful marriage and teenage kids who are (in this case) British, then you may regret not seeing your relatives but it doesn't make you depressed.
I'd look for other reasons.

I don't totally agree with this.

I lived abroad for a few years and had (and still have) a very happy marriage. I missed my family so much though and felt I was missing out on my nieces and nephews growing up.

We did manage to come back to the UK twice a year to visit but it really wasn't enough for me.

I was happy for maybe the first 2 years when everything was new and exciting but then I got more and more depressed. Mind you I also had the problem that I struggled to learn the language. I am the sort of person that talks to everyone - people at the bus stop, shop assistants etc and hated the fact that I could only have a very basic conversation with anyone.

I know the OP's wife obviously doesn't have language problems and has children (I don't) but she could just be finding missing her family more and more difficult