My in laws are snobs...

Lynplatinum

Oh flippin36 I feel for you!

My MIL was just like this and for years I spent time and energy trying to appease her - until.......

A wonderful priest talked to me (no, I'm not religious but this man was one of the rare ones who genuinely did good in the world) and he said:

Be kind to her - she is an unhappy lonely soul who has driven everyone away. She may have all the things (but is she in debt?); she may have all the friends and family flocking round (they only come round because they fear her); she may have a perfectly clean and tidy house (nothing else to do? or think about ?) but in her very soul she is alone. She is frightened of loosing everything and so she grasps out for it - gripping tighter and tighter until it slides out from under her grasp.

(So in your case - she clearly wants her son back but she is succeeding in driving him further away - she wants all the things in the world and keeps on buying - which as we know is an unsustainable lifestyle.....)

Someone else then advised me to make conversation by using the 5 Ws. See how long you can sustain the conversation (a little game for you to play). As someone else on here said give her nothing that is a stick to beat you with - using the 5Ws she will think you a brilliant conversationalist while talking about how wonderful she is all the time so it goes:

1) What
2)Why
3)When
4)Where
5)Wherefore (how?)

e.g.
What did you do yesterday?
ANS: I went to Waitrose supermarket
Oooh Why was that?
ANS : Because I needed some shopping
(could repeat what here and get a list)
Oh when did you go?
ANS: 10 am - by then the school rush Mums have all gone home
Oh where do they go then?
ANS: Off to the coffee shops or tupperware parties (Stand back and listen to illogical rant based on zero facts)
Oh how do they afford to do that (Stand back and listen to illogical rant based on zero facts - this time try not to laugh!)
What did you get while there or what time did you get back?

The longest run ever was 45 mins with those 5 questions - let me know if you can beat my record! :rotfl:

Face the fact you will never get it right for this embittered woman and be as kind as you can be and never let her know what you are thinking nor that she can hurt you - she will move on to an easier target. Pour soul.
Good luck and let me know how you get on, tc

VfM4meplse

Lynplatininum, you give the best advice! X

Although I have an aunt that does this...she p’s both her brother and SIL (my parents) off a treat! Mainly because she is so ultra-nosy, they get fed up of her.

carolbee

You've made it to weekly email!

Pollycat

carolbee wrote: »

You've made it to weekly email!

Do MSE ask a poster if they are OK with having their thread publicised in the weekly email?
It reaches a wider audience than just those people who are regulars on a particular board.

Teacher2

Your parents in law sound as if they are using the money aspect of your lives as a scapegoat for being antsy. If it weren't that it would be something else. Keep them at arm's length and stay polite for the children's and your DH's sake, but take plenty of no notice of the nasty comments.

Actually, it is they who are the vulgarians. Everyone knows that shabby chic rules in the middle classes and that new things, labels and brands are looked down upon.

You are making a financially rational choice to scrimp on the less important things to afford the bigger items. Also, being debt free trumps flashy spending and credit card bills any day. I agree with the poster above that your in laws are probably in credit card debt and, at the least, are not getting bang for their buck.

I once heard my MIL say to my DH, 'She's (meaning me) not from the top drawer.' Well no. I was a working class girl who became a teacher and worked at it full time for 34 years, gave her two lovely, clever, well mannered children and stayed married to her dearest son (so far for 38 years.) Her own daughter did not fare so well or so respectably and that's putting it very mildly.

However, I think we came to an accommodation by the end. I admired her intelligence, feisty spirit and financial acumen and she realised I was a dull, respectable, hardworking, prudent woman fit to be her DIL.

The MIL/DIL relationship is the most difficult there is. My own DD is having to negotiate choppy waters with her MIL to be. I have advised her to be kind and polite. After all, the DIL wins out in the end as she lives longer. And the MIL is to be sympathised with as she has 'lost' her most beloved son to another woman.

I remember a work colleague who was rude and stroppy with her MIL and the (admittedly awful) woman left the £million elsewhere when she popped off. It made me think.

lessonlearned

Lots of good advice here.

I agree the ML/DIL relationship is probably one of the most fraught there is. It takes great skill sometimes to come to a workable relationship.

There’s a lot of “phsychology” at play. And there can be a lot of emotional baggage.

Yes ideally Your husband should stick up for you in these encounters but perhaps he has his reasons for not being more assertive on your behalf. Perhaps he’s stuck between a rock and hard place. It’s hard for a man when the two most important women in his life cannot get on with each other and very often the man remains silent rather than risk making matters worse.

I think the best thing to do is to learn to smile sweetly. Don’t sweat the small stuff. However, if she says something that is totally out of order then you should politely but firmly tell her she has overstepped the mark, that her comments are hurtful and that she has upset you.

She cannot be allowed to constantly undermine you. I am afraid you do sometimes have to be firm with people like this. Remember the old saying .......if you act like a doormat then people will walk all over you.

No one has the right to make you feel bad or inferior, especially in your own home. That is just plain rude. Clearly she hasn’t grasped the fact she is a guest and needs to remember her manners.

And yes ......”you don’t have to turn up for every argument”.

Just ignore most of her comments, let them wash over you. Life is just too short to let other people drag us down. Concentrate on your own little family and enjoy living a life that suits you.

I had the MIL from hell. Nothing I did was right. After about 15 years of putting up with her nonsense and constantly trying to appease her I snapped one day and confronted her. I didn’t shout, rant, rave or swear. I was calm (on the outside, inside I was seething) but I quietly told her that her behaviour was unacceptable and very hurtful and that I didn’t deserve to be treated with such disrespect. I asked her “just exactly why do you dislike me so much”.

She hit the roof and turned to my husband for back up. He just quietly told her that I was a wonderful wife who supported him in everything that he did and that he blessed the day he met me. He didn’t criticise her in any way or play the blame game.

After that I could do no wrong.

So don’t suffer in silence. Say your piece if and when you have to but do it nicely, gently and with kindness. Just be the better person and then just get on with your own life.

Bellisima

Your situation sounds so much like my sister's. She has a lovely house, her husband earns a good wage and they have nice holidays. Her husband is a great guy. My sister is very thrifty and loves a bargain. Her teenage daughter has not been spoilt and has learnt the value of money, although she has cried that she only has an iPhone 5 when all her friends have newer ones. My sister tells her the phone is more than adequate for her needs and to get over it! Her mother in law is a total snob who has had a privelged upbringing, which has made her a spoilt brat. She tries to put my sister down whenever they meet.

After years of this crap my sister blew her top one day during a visit to said mother in law. She then vowed to her husband never to visit her again. Now her husband visits his mum and sometimes takes their daughter, who hates going. The final straw was when they were discussing their daughter and the mother in law showed no interest in her only granddaughter whatsoever, never really has, and has NEVER babysat. It is a relief now for my sister not to see the old bag any more! Her husband isn't happy about this, but he needs to man up and not allow his wife to be treated this way, and to get over it!

PipneyJane

flippin36 wrote: »

No not cutting contact. We just visit her with the children because it's easier when we are on her territory - there is less to find fault with. DH doesn't like her coming to the house either mainly because she has a history of being boundariless and controlling which can be exhausting (having to justify and defend yourself all the time). It also means we can leave when we have had enough. I'm sure it bothers her that we don't invite her over anymore but it is just easier....

I'm so sorry your MIL is an insecure snob. Frankly, I'm sitting here getting angry on your behalf.:mad:


You are a very tolerant person. I'd be itching to call her out on her comments or to say something catty back like "How terrible life must be for you, with all your insecurities. To be so worried about what everyone says about you behind your back...!"


Either that or "Ahhh.... Diddums!" and then smirk. (Remember: you are her problem. You know she's a nasty piece of work.)

PipneyJane

lessonlearned wrote: »

Lots of good advice here.

I agree the ML/DIL relationship is probably one of the most fraught there is. It takes great skill sometimes to come to a workable relationship.

There’s a lot of “phsychology” at play. And there can be a lot of emotional baggage.

Yes ideally Your husband should stick up for you in these encounters but perhaps he has his reasons for not being more assertive on your behalf. Perhaps he’s stuck between a rock and hard place. It’s hard for a man when the two most important women in his life cannot get on with each other and very often the man remains silent rather than risk making matters worse.

I think the best thing to do is to learn to smile sweetly. Don’t sweat the small stuff. However, if she says something that is totally out of order then you should politely but firmly tell her she has overstepped the mark, that her comments are hurtful and that she has upset you.

She cannot be allowed to constantly undermine you. I am afraid you do sometimes have to be firm with people like this. Remember the old saying .......if you act like a doormat then people will walk all over you.

No one has the right to make you feel bad or inferior, especially in your own home. That is just plain rude. Clearly she hasn’t grasped the fact she is a guest and needs to remember her manners.

And yes ......”you don’t have to turn up for every argument”.

Just ignore most of her comments, let them wash over you. Life is just too short to let other people drag us down. Concentrate on your own little family and enjoy living a life that suits you.

I had the MIL from hell. Nothing I did was right. After about 15 years of putting up with her nonsense and constantly trying to appease her I snapped one day and confronted her. I didn’t shout, rant, rave or swear. I was calm (on the outside, inside I was seething) but I quietly told her that her behaviour was unacceptable and very hurtful and that I didn’t deserve to be treated with such disrespect. I asked her “just exactly why do you dislike me so much”.

She hit the roof and turned to my husband for back up. He just quietly told her that I was a wonderful wife who supported him in everything that he did and that he blessed the day he met me. He didn’t criticise her in any way or play the blame game.

After that I could do no wrong.

So don’t suffer in silence. Say your piece if and when you have to but do it nicely, gently and with kindness. Just be the better person and then just get on with your own life.

Thank you for saying all the above. Your reply is much better and more measured than mine and I hope the original poster copies your approach.


- Pip

Pollycat

Bellisima wrote: »

Your situation sounds so much like my sister's. She has a lovely house, her husband earns a good wage and they have nice holidays. Her husband is a great guy. My sister is very thrifty and loves a bargain. Her teenage daughter has not been spoilt and has learnt the value of money, although she has cried that she only has an iPhone 5 when all her friends have newer ones. My sister tells her the phone is more than adequate for her needs and to get over it! Her mother in law is a total snob who has had a privelged upbringing, which has made her a spoilt brat. She tries to put my sister down whenever they meet.

After years of this crap my sister blew her top one day during a visit to said mother in law. She then vowed to her husband never to visit her again. Now her husband visits his mum and sometimes takes their daughter, who hates going. The final straw was when they were discussing their daughter and the mother in law showed no interest in her only granddaughter whatsoever, never really has, and has NEVER babysat. It is a relief now for my sister not to see the old bag any more! Her husband isn't happy about this, but he needs to man up and not allow his wife to be treated this way, and to get over it!

I posted this a couple of pages ago:

Pollycat wrote: »

It's probably me but I couldn't remain in friendly contact with someone who made me feel like this.
And I wouldn't be happy with a husband who allowed his Mother to continue to do that.

But if said husband expressed his disapproval about me not seeing his Mother, he'd find himself in the middle of an almighty row.