My in laws are snobs...

[Deleted User]

A family rift, once made really is difficult to come back from as there will always be 'baggage' for all parties concerned and no matter how civil to each other you intend to be when you do meet it's a bit like two terriers with 'history' meeting up and doing that 'ears up and straight tail' dog thing, no actual intent to go for each other but both on the defensive and ready to 'go' in an instant. I never called my MIL out, I did tell my OH to ask her not to come to the house unless he was here on several occasions which she chose to ignore and it became clear that I COULD do nothing that was as acceptable as her nephews wife who apparently was a paragon of a woman who would plump up cushions on her sofa if anyone sat on it, not me at all so I stopped trying! We never got to be friends, she tried her hardest to interfere with us, tried to stop my friends from coming to visit, started turning up if she knew one of them did come and refusing to go until they did, it was HARD. But she didn't break me and she didn't split us apart as she'd have liked to and I made sure she didn't have an adverse effect on the girls as they grew and I helped get her through the last few very difficult years of her life when she had dementia and populated the world with hallucinations only she could see. Life without her was and IS much calmer, more peaceful and happier and MILs don't last forever!

LameWolf

As long as you and your husband are happy, and your child(ren) thriving, then I think you have nothing to worry about.

Sadly, there are some people for whom their offsprings' choice of partner will never be good enough no matter what they do.

Not easy to do, but just put your "cloth ears" on when she starts carping; it's not worth wasting the time and energy on her, imho.

ETA: Fwiw. my DH trims my hair, and also colours it for me. I have issues with other people touching me, so could not tolerate having a hairdresser do it.

flippin36

MrsLurcherwalker wrote: »

A family rift, once made really is difficult to come back from as there will always be 'baggage' for all parties concerned and no matter how civil to each other you intend to be when you do meet it's a bit like two terriers with 'history' meeting up and doing that 'ears up and straight tail' dog thing, no actual intent to go for each other but both on the defensive and ready to 'go' in an instant. I never called my MIL out, I did tell my OH to ask her not to come to the house unless he was here on several occasions which she chose to ignore and it became clear that I COULD do nothing that was as acceptable as her nephews wife who apparently was a paragon of a woman who would plump up cushions on her sofa if anyone sat on it, not me at all so I stopped trying! We never got to be friends, she tried her hardest to interfere with us, tried to stop my friends from coming to visit, started turning up if she knew one of them did come and refusing to go until they did, it was HARD. But she didn't break me and she didn't split us apart as she'd have liked to and I made sure she didn't have an adverse effect on the girls as they grew and I helped get her through the last few very difficult years of her life when she had dementia and populated the world with hallucinations only she could see. Life without her was and IS much calmer, more peaceful and happier and MILs don't last forever!

Thank you so much for sharing! I think part of my problem is that although we cleared the air about the things she said, you cannot unsay things, so sometimes I am on the defense where at one point I would have just ignored it.

Funny thing is...we went to Edinburgh over the summer and decided to splurge on first class train tickets. When he told her about it she scolded him for wasting money . She doesn't seem to understand that we can do these things because we save on day to day things.

[Deleted User]

Hold your head up love, just be you and live your lives for yourselves, the way you want to live is no ones business but your own. It may be that one day she'll grow up and see things from your point of view, it may be that she will accept that you are doing what is right for you and yours or it may be that she will always be contentious and confrontational. It won't make a jot of difference to you, keep the faith and stay safely on your chosen path in life and ignore the 'murmurings' and sniping while you do so!

RD42

Don't let them get to you. We do similar (Except I love TV!). They sound like they have been totally suckered in by consumerism.

One note: Don't let them know about any nest egg you have saved, I suspect that should they or any of their extended tribe get into financial difficulty they will come knocking and it will be seen as your duty to bail people out of debt.

GreyQueen

Well, apart from the bits relating to children etc, everything on that list is something I do/ have done in the past/ will do again.

Seems that the OP and her family are sane and sensible types and that the outlaws have been sucked into the consumer mindset where the more you spend, the better person you are.

Advertisers and marketeers LOVE folks with those values, they are so very easy to part from their money that it's on a par with taking candy from a baby.

Recently, I came across a comment on the t'interweb somewhere; You don't have to turn up for every argument you're invited to.

You can develop selective deafness when such comments are made. You can be a touch bolshie, and come back with something along the lines of Did your own mother teach you that it was acceptable to be so rude to people, because I found that comment pretty offensive. You can smile sweetly and say Well, each to their own, it would be a boring old world if we were all the same, wouldn't it?

One of my peers in the family was beyatching to one of our mutual grandparents about an extended overseas trip I'd taken. A trip which had been a bucket list aspiration for 20 + years at that point, and one which I'd saved very hard to afford. Relation was grumbling that how could I afford to go to X, I didn't even have a proper (full-time) job?

Our grandparent, who had never been known to speak badly of anyone, remarked waspishly that I didn't smoke or drink.:rotfl:

My relative had incinerated and urinated away far more money over the years enjoying their 'vices' than I spent on my trip. That's fine, they made those choices, I made different choices, and my outcomes were different from their outcomes.

You don't win when people's attitudes are so very different from your own. Each side is right by their own lights, but I think it's fair game to call out excessive rudeness when you encounter it.

On the plus side, crashing snobs are pretty easy to shop for; you buy the biggest shiniest bauble with the gaudiest name that you can get cheaply and they're as happy as larry.:D

[Deleted User]

You sound like an eminently sensible young woman and its the in-laws who have the problem,as long as you and your OH are happy and content you are married to him after all and not his family then just put it down to their sad empty shallow lives that they lead.

My late Ma-in-law whom I had the greatest respect and love for, once told me in a very cross tone that since we had been married she was cross because my OH wouldn't eat home grown veg as he did when growing up

I agreed it was dreadful, but not my fault, as I adored her home grown fresh veg and he was just being silly .:):)

What I didn't tell her was the reason he preferred tinned processed peas (which by the way I hated ) was that as a young lad he had been made to eat what ever she grew in the garden as she was virtually self-sufficient.

She had been widowed and left with very little money before WW2 when he was 3 and his little brother 2 so she had to grow what they ate and most meals were bulked out with veg.

When he had to do his national service in the RAF as an 18 year old he discovered the 'delights' of tinned peas and never ate ate fresh veg at all.Nothing to do with me as I don't like tinned veg either . :):) But she agreed he was just being a idiot and accepted that as an adult he could choose what to eat and I certainly wasn't going to enforce my ideas on him.

You OH and your family will enjoy with you the simple things in life and be far more enlightened by being sensible with money than throwing away on unneeded things You carry on honey I think you are doing the right thing Ignore the snobs they are not worth stressing about ,life is far too short

pollypenny

OP, your in-laws are materialistic, not snobs.

In fact, they sound a bit jealous of you.

flippin36

Quizzical_Squirrel wrote: »

I think you need to get to the root of what their real concern is, listen and allay their fears, and mend this relationship.

I think this is generally good advice, but we have had those conversations and nothing really changes. I don't think the relationship is broken as we are still friendly and in contact, it's just that she grinds me down and then I make myself feel guilty for not being good enough.

She has on several occasions attempted to shame me in front of other relatives. It gets weary after a while.

jackyann

Well, you need to find a way not to let her get at you. Also, you are parents of young children, you will feel a bit sensitive, and so things that might not 'get to' us tough old birds my make you feel a little down.
I hope you have other friends and family to make you feel better - and no, they don't have to approve of every aspect of your lifestyle - just recognise that all parents need encouragement, and respect your decisions.

And I would not talk a great deal about how you spend your money - there is no need for her to know what kind of tickets you got - just don't mention it. It sounds as if you have got somewhat locked in to seeing your relationship through this lens. Aim to talk about other things; never ever bring up how you spend your money or your lifestyle decisions; if she does, then follow other posters' advice about deflecting it.
In front of others, smile and shrug if you can, or look down at the floor. It is natural to feel uncomfortable if your life is dissected in front of others, but do try not to give her any ammunition. If she asks you questions about what you are doing / buying say 'oh we haven't decided yet / we'll see nearer the time/ I'm not sure'. That way she has nothing to go on about!
It may also be helpful to you in the future. Not to have, say a TV is perfectly acceptable - it is also acceptable to change your mind. If you have had great discussions about why you haven't got a TV / have 1 car between you then she can make a fuss if you change that. If you don't discuss it, or say, if pressed 'it suits us at the moment' then you haven't painted yourself into a corner!

I do hope you have found some of this helpful.