My in laws are snobs...

[Deleted User]

YOU ARE MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH!!! the lack is in your MIL love, she cannot see the good that is YOU and that's not your fault it's total lack of empathy in her. When my MIL 'explained' me to her friends and relatives either they were cut from totally the same cloth as she was and I was irredeemable or they were used to her 'vitriol' and I'd get a sympathetic and conspiring half smile when she wasn't looking at them. In the first instance it didn't matter because they were people I'd not want dealings with and in the second, I wasn't the arch fiend I was made out to be and they knew it. You can't and shouldn't have to change who you are, certainly not because another human being decides you should to please them and their ideology, you have the right to be you and have your own ideals and aspirations, no guilt necessary!

GreyQueen

Wise words, jackyann.

One of the enormous unsung upsides of ageing (I'm in my fifties now) is that you develop a marvellous ability to do your own thang and never (or very seldom) give a rat's arris what anyone else thinks about your choices.

Sounds to me as if the OP's in-laws are insecure. Why else would they feel the need to deride her and their son's lifestyle choices? Why else would they feel it necessary to bolster their egos by buying and displaying the emblems of conspicious consumption? These are not the attitudes of emotionally mature and confident people, they are the attitudes of the immature and easily-led. Such behaviour is commonplace among teenagers, who know no better, but most folk outgrow it.

I am an intensely materialistic person. I love materials and love buying them secondhand for pennies on the pound. I am also a designer and even have a piece of paper from a leading academic institution to say so. Therefore, every thing I make is a Designer Something; Designer Allotment, a Designer Patchwork Bedspread, a Designer Homemade Artisanal Soup, Designer Darned Sock..... This may even be a Designer Post..........

Humour can be wonderfully effective at derailing the neg-ferrets. Want to sneer at my old N0kia dumbphone? Go ahead, if we're face to face, I'll chuckle and tell you it's a great improvement on its predecessor - two yoghurt pots and a piece of string. Want to play one-up-womanship about hair salons? I'll grin and tell you I hack mine off with clamshells ........... one can have endless fun at the expense of those who wilfully and spitefully try to put a person down.

Folks can try to put you down but they only succeed if you give them a helping hand. Laughter is always the best medicine and a universal remedy for all sorts of annoyances.

MMF007

I'm sure someone famous said, Never explain. Never apologise' !
So long as you, DH and kids are happy then that is all that matters. If in laws make snide remarks simply ignore them, no explaining needed! You have no need to justfiy your successes just because your achievements weremade by saving with the odd splurge!

The biggest snob I know is an inlaw. He makes it very clear that he thinks I am inferior to him. He is public school educated and did have a job in The City. Do you what? He is ill mannered, lost his house because he couldn't pay his mortgage, lost his job because he was rubbish at it, and even while he was unemployed he still looked down on us. We, like you, are mortgage-free (but it is a tiny house :rotfl: ), have several holidays a year, one in the Caribbean with friends :rotfl:, and are, most importantly, HAPPY. He is not.

Do your own thing, wonder why MIL feels the need to belittle people, then carry on having a good life. Yep, it is hard to bite your lip, but why give her the satisfaction, just blank her when she !!!!!es!

LameWolf

ROFL @ Designer Darned Sock. :rotfl:
GQ you've just reminded me, I need to darn a hole in the finger of my left-hand glove; eight years of dog-walking, lots of it with flexi-leads with a very thin "lead" part, have worn a hole.
Oh, and I too have a N0kia dumbphone.:D

GreyQueen

LameWolf wrote: »

ROFL @ Designer Darned Sock. :rotfl:
GQ you've just reminded me, I need to darn a hole in the finger of my left-hand glove; eight years of dog-walking, lots of it with flexi-leads with a very thin "lead" part, have worn a hole.
Oh, and I too have a N0kia dumbphone.:D

Dumbphones rock. And only need charging once a week, as opposed to every day, as so many smartphones seem to require.

I lied about the clamshells btw - it is what I tell folks who admire my self-administered haircut, but I actually use the sewing scissors.:rotfl:

flippin36

You've all made me laugh and given me some perspective. Thank you all!

monnagran

So, my darling, you are a family of real people living in a world of insecure fakes. Those poor people. If their lives ever hit the financial buffers they will be completely lost. They may even be forced to crawl to you seeking help with how to cope with day to day life. Dwell on that delicious scenario next time they catch you on the raw.

It was the "he used to have such high standards," that made me giggle.

I know a creed that begins, "I am not what I do. I am not what I have. I am not what people say about me." You are obviously living that creed. Carry on the good work. Anyone worth knowing will love and appreciate you and your way of life.

The best response I have found to rude comments is a gently amused, ever-so-slightly patronising, pitying smile. There is no answer to that.

For every shallow, self promoting in law you will find a dozen deep, loving friends.

x

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I think your trouble is that they wanted their children to be people who felt a sense of worth and, in their eyes, that is being 'worth' spending a lot of unnecessary money upon them. So she thinks that, by 'settling' for a small wedding, having a quick buzz over the head with the clippers instead of a seventy quid snippety-snip session at a hairdressers and driving a battered motor around instead of rolling up in something straight off the production line every couple of years, he's been convinced by you that he and the children aren't 'worth' anything else.

To her, you've beaten him down from a position of high esteem - even though it isn't true. It might be that they grew up without money and swore that their kids would never be The Poor Kids in school, it might be that they've always had money and can't understand why anybody would have less by choice, it might be that simply that she does genuinely believe that she and her offspring are 'better' than others and the only way that can be proven is to make it visibly so by conspicuous consumption. In the end, it's all just Stuff.


It's interesting that your one ally is a teacher - he will probably have to deal with senior members of staff going ballistic over kids having jumpers in the wrong shade of black and sending them home, rather than being taught for the day - and parents who will refuse to provide materials for homework/allow their kids to do useful activities on the grounds of cost whilst turning up at parents' evenings in a two year old Mercedes sporting a £500 set of hair extensions, a full set of false nails, the latest phone and the baby is wearing £80 shoes when it can't even walk.


You won't change the MIL, but you don't have to deal with it if you don't want to - frustrating though it must be, trying to let it wash over you is the only thing to do if you wish to maintain contact.


Having said that, you do need to give yourself permission for treats from time to time - and not just things like 1st Class Seats (although that is the sort of thing I'd do if in the position to because I can't think of much worse than being left to sit on the train floor because people have ignored the Reserved cards - it's happened :mad:, whereas at least with 1st Class, any git who tries is likely to get slapped with a hefty fine for doing so), but things like trimming your hair yourself most times and having it properly cut and styled occasionally, as it makes the trims in the intervening period look better.


People like that, such as the OH's ex, are permanently dissatisfied with life. They just don't get to be happy other than the superficial buzz of having something flashy and new, as they're always looking at what others have and deciding that their partners don't love them as much as x's partner does her because he's bought her a more expensive car or a ring with a bigger diamond, or went to a posher holiday resort.

Personally, I suspect that my OH is a lot happier knowing that come Hell or High Water, our rent will be paid and there will not be any bailiffs knocking on the door, even if it means we eat beans on toast for a week. It makes my life easier too, as it means we get to spend any spare cash on things that are important to us - such as choosing shoes that last and are comfortable, getting a cab back from a gig if it's tipping down, spending a night away in a cheap hotel - or not having to worry that the machine might reject my card in the supermarket because I haven't spent the food money for the month on getting my nails done and three expensive eyeshadow palettes that I'll only ever use two individual colours in.

jackyann

So glad you can laugh OP! And how lovely that at least one of us on this forum has a designer-darned sock!

Nargleblast

There is a saying (I think it might have been Quentin Crisp) - Why bother keeping up with the Jones's when you can drag them down to your level?

Just plough your own furrow and let the nonsense wash over you.