I think I'm in an abusive relationship + I'm terrified

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I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months and he’s sort of like a Jekyll and Hyde. When I first met him he presented himself as a hard working divorcee who ran a successful business and was dedicated to work and family.


Gradually, the mask slipped. He admitted that the reason for his divorce was that his ex wife’s parents helped her leave the marital home while he was at work because she was so terrified of him, and she had a restraining order against him as well. She also was pregnant and aborted the baby because she was afraid it would turn out to be a sociopath. He spins all of this to make out it was ALL his wife’s fault and that he did nothing wrong. He also then admitted that he thinks monogamy is a “joke” (after having previously claimed he was in an exclusive relationship with me). He admits that he is having sex with loads of other woman and will basically go with any woman who is willing. He tries to pick up other women right in front of me at times, like waitresses, shop staff etc.

When we first met he said that he drinks alcohol recreationally (which I found a bit odd given that he’s Muslim, but anyway). Then he revealed that he smokes both weed and crack most days. When he revealed all this stuff I immediately tried to get out of the relationship, but that’s when he started making threats.

I’ve tried to break up and he’s made threats. “You don’t know what I’m capable of.” “Don’t test me.” “You wouldn’t want anything to happen to your lovely family would you?

Later it emerged that he has been in prison, for drug trafficking. He used to deal crack and cocaine. He is supposedly a business owner now but it’s hard to see how his business could really be breaking even, so it’s possible he is still dealing drugs.

I’m finding out more and more terrifying information about him and every time I try to cut things off, he starts making threats.
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  • bob_bank_spanker
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    Police. Now.
  • Isolt
    Isolt Posts: 76 Forumite
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    I've been thinking about that, but what is the actual crime? Making threats? If I go to the police and they don't keep him in custody won't I be in even more danger?
  • iammumtoone
    iammumtoone Posts: 6,377 Forumite
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Post I've been Money Tipped!
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    call womens aid 0808 2000 247 now its 24 hours

    https://www.womensaid.org.uk/



  • decbel
    decbel Posts: 2,804 Forumite
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    I'm on alcohol now and I don't believe a word of it.
  • ariarnia
    ariarnia Posts: 4,225 Forumite
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    edited 1 October 2017 at 7:22PM
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    Police. Now.

    This.

    Tell the police that you feel threatened and want them to log your report. Tell them you will be ending the relationship soon and want to have it logged incase of retaliatory violence.

    Keep the reference number.

    I assume you're not living together?

    If you are, when he's at work, take the day off, pack your things and move out immediately. Either back 'home' or to a woman's shelter. Anything you can't take with you, forget about.

    Email or text him to tell him you're ending it.

    Tell him you've reported to the police that you fear retaliation and if he should attempt to contact you (or your family) in any way you will report it as harassment.

    If he contacts you passively (by letter, phone or email) report the contact to the police (giving details of any threats).

    If he contacts you in person either stay in a public place or lock all the doors. Either way, immediately call the police to say you're being harassed and that you feel threatened. Do it while he's there and don't talk to him.

    Do not go back to him. Do no go anywhere private to talk. Do not feel embarrassed or ashamed if friends of family ask questions.

    You have every right to feel safe.
    Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you. Anne Lamott

    It's amazing how those with a can-do attitude and willingness to 'pitch in and work' get all the luck, isn't it?

    Please consider buying some pet food and giving it to your local food bank collection or animal charity. Animals aren't to blame for the cost of living crisis.
  • Mrs_pbradley936
    Mrs_pbradley936 Posts: 14,570 Forumite
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    I don't believe it but in case it is true, make him want to dump you. I would not need lessons in being an absolute b!tch and frightening someone I did not want near me away.
  • iammumtoone
    iammumtoone Posts: 6,377 Forumite
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Post I've been Money Tipped!
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    It really doesn't mater if the OP is true or not. Its a fact that some people are in difficult situaions and if just one person reading gets the right help via this thread it is worthwhile.
  • Isolt
    Isolt Posts: 76 Forumite
    edited 3 October 2017 at 8:28AM
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    Thanks for being so insensitive. Trying to be a (text removed by MSE Forum Team)to him would be enough to get me killed. I hope nobody else reads your "advice" and ends up getting attacked.
  • Isolt
    Isolt Posts: 76 Forumite
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    Thanks Iamumtoo and Ariarnia

    I will get on the phone to Women's Aid and take it from there
  • Mrs_pbradley936
    Mrs_pbradley936 Posts: 14,570 Forumite
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    It really doesn't mater if the OP is true or not. Its a fact that some people are in difficult situaions and if just one person reading gets the right help via this thread it is worthwhile.

    Yes of course you are right. I just find it hard to believe that some people are so docile and put themselves in danger from bullies.
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