How to help my daughter turn her life around

Red-Squirrel_2

I think Elsien is spot on. The best thing to do is tell her that you love her and that she'll always be welcome back home with no judgement and no recriminations whenever she wants to come back.

I feel for the boyfriend to be honest, I don't think he's the bad guy in this, it will take him years to recover financially from this mess and he's only a kid himself.

cheeky-peach

My parents had a similar issue with my older sister when she was 18/19. She dropped out of 6th Form and didn't pass her Grade 8 Viola exam after months of effort then just gave up all together. All they said to her was that she was welcome home at any point. Low and behold, she moved back in (much to my dismay as we had to return to sharing a room) and she got a job etc. This was a good 12 years ago now and things are great for her job-wise.


As other people have said, it's best to leave her learn lessons for herself and just be there for her when she needs you; because she will.

ska_lover

Unless I am wrong you didnt give her any financial help whilst she was in Leicester? That was left to the boyfriend who got in debt trying

It is an awful lot to expect another young adult, who is barely keeping their head above water, to fund another person thus leaving them with debt. He has been properly used, and is being wrongly painted as the bad guy. The phone call in the summer was a cry for help, which you ignored and bounced the problem back at him.


If she is in full time education you would have been getting child benefit for her still

You seem conflicted as if you will not help her financially in Leicester even though struggling, yet you want her to come home. You only want to help her on your terms

That is manipulation.

FBaby

I expect she is still madly in love with him and therefore still believe that she can save the relationship hence wanting to stay there. You telling her to come back is only going to make her feel even more anxious at the idea that the relationship is really over.

Most likely, she'll go back, he'll have moved on and she will come to reality that it is over and hopefully, be able to move on emotionally herself. It's at that stage that she will be desperate to come back to the comfort of home.

It's a pity if it means her studies suffer, but that you can't do anything about but be grateful that she is clearly clever and therefore will be able to return to her studies at any time.

gettingtheresometime

I've always told my son that he can come to me with anything and I might scream & shout for a few hours but after I've calmed down would sit down and help him sort it out.


That hasn't stopped him making a load of mistakes, some of which he hasn't always been entirely honest with us initially but we've always been there for him, as I know you will be with your daughter.


Like others have said I think you're misdirecting your anger at the (ex?) boyfriend - after all it sounds as if the poor lad has got himself into a pickle trying to keep the wolves from the door.


Question is what do you do now?


I think she needs to be completely honest with you about her finances as that's the only way you can offer realistic advice as to whether it's better to stay in Leicester, living in a house share or coming home and restarting next year, if it's too late to start this year.


Easier said than done I know but try not to force her to come home - if she senses that you're trying to sway her to one particular outcome then she'll kick against it - even if she knows that it is probably the right decision to make!

TBagpuss

I understand why you are worried, but I agree with others that trying to persuade or force her to come back is likely to be counter productive, at this stage.

Instead, I would suggest being supportive but not necessarily enthusiastic.

ask her questions, rather than pointing out he issues. e.g. rather than questioning whether friends parents are likely to want her for a year, ask whether she ha spoken to a specific friend, and whether they are planning for her to be a formal lodger and pay for her room, or whether it's more of a temporary visit while she looks for lodgings. That way, you are treating her as an adult by accepting that she is making her own choices, but can also givher the chance to think about potential issues, without it being you giving her a list of disadvantages.

I imagine it would be hard o her to return home as she would probably feel she'd failed again - failed at her relationship, then having to return to the college where (she probably thinks) 'everyone' knows she failed her A Levels...

Consider whether you can help her financially at all. If she were living at home, presumably you would be covering at least her food costs, and probably a bit more. Could you arrange to provide her with the money you are not spending on those things, so she has a bit of income on top of her earnings? If you could afford it, you could offer to cover housing costs based on a house share or living as a lodger, perhaps on an initial basis that you'll do that until Christmas and then discuss with her what her plans are after that? Again, it shows her that you are supportive and understanding (so she is more likely to feel able to come back if things don't work out, and doesn't feel that you are against her, but at the same time leaves the door open for her to change her mind.

Seanymph

I want my daughter home, I love her so much and have missed her enormously, I am angry he has done this now as this potentially will be another year she loses in her education.

That was the bit that hit me in the face - it's not about you.

She is an adult, she is making her choices, she is living with the consequences and making new choices.

You are a parent - you get to support her choices (you can advise, but if you get ignored that's when you shut up and wait to catch the pieces) - your role is to ensure the safety net is always right underneath and they know that and can safely take chances.

She can pick up an education later, she can do something different, she can travel the world or start a degree at 50, she can leave him, or stay with him, or be with someone else.

But whatever she does, it is about her. It's not about you. As awful as that is, your relationship with her will benefit hugely from you really getting hold of that.

Mr_Costcutter

You can't 'put an old head on young shoulders' and your daughter has to learn from her own mistakes. All you can really do is 'be there' when your daughter indicates that she needs you to be. Being a parent isn't easy and the passage into adulthood is often fraught with difficulties.

happyandcontented

No real advice, as I know how easy it is to give it when you are not emotionally involved and how hard it is to take it when you are. You have to go on gut feeling and never say anything in the heat of the moment that you can't unsay. Life is so much simpler when you have small kids you can tuck up in bed and know they are safe and happy. Sadly, as they grow so does the worry and uncertainty as they find their way in the world. Usually, it pans out though, you just have to hang in there and keep the lines of communication open.

Good luck.

Mojisola

milliemonster wrote: »

He called us over the summer and said he was having second thoughts as he couldn't afford to keep her on his salary.

Part of the reason they have split is because her boyfriend has been getting payday loans to support her and he just can't cope with it anymore.

I've asked her where she is going to stay and she's told me she will stay with her boyfriend as he has wouldn't see her on the streets.

I cant get it through to her that he wants her out and she can't go back.

She is utterly deluded in that she still won't accept he doesn't see a future with her anymore

Are you sure he doesn't want a future with her? It sounds as if it's the financial aspect that is worrying him - quite rightly.

Are you in a position to offer your daughter some financial support - won't she be costing you money if she comes home?