How to help my daughter turn her life around

milliemonster

This may be long but I'll try to stick to the main points. Daughter is 18, 2 years ago she left school with excellent GCSE's and dreams of going to med school. She started A levels at college then in the November met a boyfriend.

Boyfriend was lovely lad, but daughter quickly became besotted, skipping college to be with him etc, we found out in the Feb this had been happening as college contacted us and explained she'd missed so much time she would struggle to pass.

Roll on end of year and she failed all her AS levels. After lengthy talks decided to start again and do a BTEC in health, she now deciding she wants to do midwifery instead. We gave her a second chance at college and all appeared to be well.

Then in May this year during half term she went to stay with her boyfriend in Leicester (90 miles away) and didn't come back saying she was moving out to live with him, had transferred to the second year of her course in Leicester.

We were distraught, she had no money, he is an apprentice living in a bedsit on not a lot of money and we tried to talk her round explaining to finish college first then go to uni there if she wanted to live with him but she wasn't having any of it.

Both of them are young and immature (he is 19) He called us over the summer and said he was having second thoughts as he couldn't afford to keep her on his salary. We said if this was the case to not leave it until she started college down there.

Yesterday was her first day at her new college, he text us last night to say he has finished with her, wants her to leave and can we go and collect her please.

I am so angry hurt and upset, we could see this coming months ago but could do nothing about it without driving her away. I called my daughter last night and she is adamant she is not giving up college there and her job (she has a casual job in a nursing home), I've tried to talk to her to ask how she plans to live there and she says she will stay with a friend. All her friends there live with their parents and I cannot imagine any of them would allow her to stay for a year.

I don't know how to handle this, she is very strong willed and hotheaded but also deluded in the real world. Part of the reason they have split is because her boyfriend has been getting payday loans to support her and he just can't cope with it anymore. She is under the impression she will get a flat herself but has no money to do this.

I want my daughter home, I love her so much and have missed her enormously, I am angry he has done this now as this potentially will be another year she loses in her education.

So far we have managed to persuade her to come home for a few days to have some space and time to think, we are hoping to try and talk to her about her future and how we can help her get her life back on track. She has said she is going to try and rearrange her shifts at the nursing home and will stay for a couple of days, then go back, I've asked her where she is going to stay and she's told me she will stay with her boyfriend as he has wouldn't see her on the streets. I cant get it through to her that he wants her out and she can't go back.

How do I deal with this now? I am worried sick my daughter is going to end up on the streets in Leicester with nowhere to go. She had such an incredible future ahead of her a couple of years ago and its unravelling with nothing I can do to help. She is utterly deluded in that she still won't accept he doesn't see a future with her anymore and this time at home with her I need advice on how to now finally get her to see she has no realistic proposition of continuing at college 90 miles away with nowhere to live.

It's been incredibly difficult to sit back and watch all this happening with not a damn thing i can do about it, we knew that this would happen but the minute she turned 18 we were powerless to do anything and have had to just sit back and wait

gazebo

Honestly? you have to let your adult daughter live her life and learn from the choices she makes.

You cannot change her or get her life back on track. It sounds like she is a little more mature than you assume as she is concerned about "swapping shifts" at work to enable a visit home. Would someone who doesn't understand responsibility be capable of thinking about that?

Yes, you will always worry about your daughter, but ultimately, she has to be allowed to make her own decisions. She is not a child under your care any more, she is an adult and she will find her own way. It may be possible she is only humouring you by coming home as she is expecting an earful of "I told you so".

Back off, think about how you would like to be treated and respect that she is an individual who is independent.

Marvel1

She is a young adult and needs to make her own decisions right or wrong.

Being angry at the ex boulyfriend seems biased, the poor lad had to take out loans to cover her, never asked you to pay for her and even had the decency to contact you it's over and pick her up!!!

Fireflyaway

I can see this from both sides. As a parent I'd be worried, but having done similar at that age I'm glad that although my parents didn't agree with my choices, they didn't give me too much hassle and I maintained a good relationship with them. Your daughter needs to know you are there to support her and she is welcome back anytime. Don't make her feel too bad about her choices or she might distance herself out of pride or just to try and prove a point. Worse still she might think you are so annoyed and disappointed that you don't want her back and she feels she can't ask.
As parents I think we can try to guide our kids but until they experience stuff for themselves, they may not listen or follow our advice. As a teenager I did a dead end temping job and ran off to Turkey to meet my boyfriend whenever I could. Now I see how stupid that was but at the time it seemed exciting and grown up! Your daughter will probably change her mind once she feels the reality of being far away with little money and not great living conditions. I think the novelty will wear off. She will get to the point where she will want better for herself. On the plus side she is at college and has a job so she is making good choices too.
Maybe reiterate to the boyfriend he has to be clear with her. She doesn't seem completely convinced its over. Maybe once she accepts that she might change her mind. Even if she doesn't, maintain a relationship. You have not lost your daughter she is just making choices that you don't agree with but in the scheme of things its not that bad.

kelpie35

I know. as a parent, how you must be feel.

I am afraid that you have to take a step back from this situation and allow your DD to live her life as she sees fit.

Unfortunately you can only watch from the sidelines and be there to support her when she asks for help.

Please, for both your sakes, allow her to learn from any mistakes she makes.

pollypenny

She won't be able to get a flat, but she may be able to find a house share. Perhaps you, staff at the college or the boyfriend could help here.

She does sound rather naive, do all you can do is help then be ready to support if things go pear-shaped,

Eliza_2

A similar thing happened to me at 18, I abandoned college etc cos I wanted to be in London, not the small town where I lived. My parents begged and begged for me to come home, but I knew it would only mean going back to 'Why didn't you listen to us' type conversations. What I really wish they had done was help me to look at other options other than going home. I wish my parents had told me about this miraculous place called 'The Jobcentre' which in my innocent sheltered life I had never come across, but somebody else did and I went there and they found me a job, and from that I got a house share with a friend. There are people out there who can help her - her college, her friends, her employer, the internet etc. They can advise her on benefits, she might be able to get a flat share with friends and so on.

I think your daughter had done wonderfully well and is obviously much more mature than I was at her age. She's in college, she's already got a job, she's got friends, she's looking for somewhere to live. She's practical. She's running her own life. I know we don't know her as you do but the best thing for you to do is show her constantly that you love her, you'd love her to visit or you visit her (somewhere neutral, not her bedsit where she's got to worry about cleaning it before you come!!) and give her some other options for her to think about. At the moment her sadness about the breakup of a longterm relationship is taking over her, we've all been there. But helping her along the next step is something positive you can do, not take her back into the protective family fold, which she obviously doesn't want.

She sounds like a young woman you can really be proud of, you've done a good job in bringing her up!!

elsien

Showing you are angry, hurt and upset won't help if it does go pear-shaped for her. She needs to know that she can come back if she needs to without having to swallow her pride and sit through the "I told you so's." At a similar age to your daughter I cut off family contact completely because I couldn't be doing with the hassle. My family thought they were being supportive, and in retrospect they probably were, but some of us find it difficult to swallow our pride and admit we've made a mistake.
It's not your job to convince her the boyfriend doesn't want her back, that's down to him. Can you help her look at house share costs in the area, and see whether with her part time work that's in anyway doable while maintaining her college course?
And continue to let her know she has a place with you when she needs it, without being judged.

onomatopoeia99

Your anger is misplaced and should not be directed at the ex-boyfriend. He didn't do this to her, she did it to herself, she seems to have no comprehension of what being an adult involves and seems desperate to grow up and establish herself an independent adult life incredibly fast.

When I was that age it did always seem to be the girls doing that - moving out of the family home, in with (usually older) boyfriend, who usually got ditched a few years down the line when he had outlived his usefulness in getting her established independently and they realised that actually someone their own age was a better long term bet.

All you can do is make sure she knows she will always be able to come back if things go wrong. You can't live her life for her or control her choices. If she comes back to see you and you talk, make sure you talk to her, not at her (a mistake many parents seem to make).

hollydays

Eliza wrote: »

A similar thing happened to me at 18, I abandoned college etc cos I wanted to be in London, not the small town where I lived. My parents begged and begged for me to come home, but I knew it would only mean going back to 'Why didn't you listen to us' type conversations. What I really wish they had done was help me to look at other options other than going home. I wish my parents had told me about this miraculous place called 'The Jobcentre' which in my innocent sheltered life I had never come across, but somebody else did and I went there and they found me a job, and from that I got a house share with a friend. There are people out there who can help her - her college, her friends, her employer, the internet etc. They can advise her on benefits, she might be able to get a flat share with friends and so on.

I think your daughter had done wonderfully well and is obviously much more mature than I was at her age. She's in college, she's already got a job, she's got friends, she's looking for somewhere to live. She's practical. She's running her own life. I know we don't know her as you do but the best thing for you to do is show her constantly that you love her, you'd love her to visit or you visit her (somewhere neutral, not her bedsit where she's got to worry about cleaning it before you come!!) and give her some other options for her to think about. At the moment her sadness about the breakup of a longterm relationship is taking over her, we've all been there. But helping her along the next step is something positive you can do, not take her back into the protective family fold, which she obviously doesn't want.

She sounds like a young woman you can really be proud of, you've done a good job in bringing her up!!

What a lovely post

pearl123

If you are young you are likely to fall on you face a few times. I certainly did when I left home.
All you can do is let her know that she can come home at any time.
It's her life.