Unwanted gifts from friend

annandale

She has learning disabilities.

Why exactly would it be an issue if someone had mental health problems? Many people do.

theoretica

Whatever you do will hurt her, so I wonder about lumping all you want to get rid of together at one time to make it one hurt. Say you have been having a clear out and would like to give the things back to her, or to charity. Possibly also talk about some of the other stuff you are getting rid of, if there is any. Do you think she has been choosing things for you that she herself would like?

pearl123

annandale wrote: »

She has learning disabilities.

Why exactly would it be an issue if someone had mental health problems? Many people do.

Yes, I know many people have mental health issues. There are many forms of mental illness and it can affect people's understanding of what's acceptable or not. The same goes for learning difficulties.

ripplyuk

I'm unsure what exactly the learning disorder is. She went to a special school and I know she has dyslexia but she will never talk about what other issues she has.

The gifts are partly to buy friendship but mainly to make me feel indebted. She will constantly remind me of things she has bought me. She gets very excited about these gifts and will text me for weeks beforehand reminding me of how much I'm 'going to love it'.

She has helped me out in the past and for that I'm very grateful (though she never lets me forget anyway). She can be good company and we have shared interests. I do also feel quite sorry for her tbh. I would love to find a way to make her understand boundaries, rather than just fall out completely.

chesky

You say you feel sorry for her but you're lying to her and your relationship is completely false. Just because you haven't got the nerve to be honest.

theoretica

Have you told her right out she doesn't need to buy your friendship? That she has it anyway?

Are you civilly polite when she gives you things? You may need to stop being so.

pearl123

How about suggesting she gives a small token gesture to charity instead?
If it is all becoming too much you need to be firm.

ripplyuk

theoretica wrote: »

Have you told her right out she doesn't need to buy your friendship? That she has it anyway?

Repeatedly.

I am polite when she gives me things which is maybe a mistake.

It isn't that I don't have the nerve to tell her how annoying this is. I was just hoping there was some way of getting her to understand without hurting her. But I don't think there is.

bagpussbear

Doesn't sound like you get much out of this friendship to be honest.

Tell her you don't want the gifts, and let her be offended. I know you are trying to be a good person and feel sorry for her, but it's not really helping her or you is it?

I feel you do need to be a little bit more assertive here. Having things in the house that you feel you can't get rid of, or placing them where she wants is just ridiculous.

trailingspouse

You are being manipulated by someone who doesn't have many friends - and it's easy to see why she doesn't have many friends. And you don't have to be her friend either.

You need to take control of the situation, and your life, and start a) saying no to her and b) spending time with people whose company you do enjoy.

There doesn't need to be a big bust-up - just quietly become less available to her. Refuse to accept her ridiculous gifts - seriously, just say no. Try the 'stuck record' technique - 'It's a kind thought, but no thanks', 'It's a kind thought but no thanks'.

Take all the clutter to the charity shop, and when she asks where it's gone say 'I took it to the charity shop'. And when she asks again, say 'I took it to the charity shop'. And again, and again. Don't get drawn into an argument about it, just state it as a fact. If you're talking on the phone, cut the calls short 'Have to go now!!' if you're texting ditto, if she's in your house tell her it's time for her to go (and stand up and open the door - works every time)

Yes, she will probably be hurt (or tell you she's hurt) - that really is her problem.

Things to remember -
- you're not her psychiatrist
- you're not her social worker
- you're not her mum