Unwanted gifts from friend

ripplyuk

I've posted before about this friend. She is very needy and demanding and also has a learning disability which means I don't want to hurt her feelings. She buys me gifts on my birthday and Christmas and often for no reason, despite me asking her not to.

However I'll be blunt here. I don't like the gifts. One was a huge wall canvas that looked hideous. She also buys me endless dresses that could only be worn at a nightclub by someone much younger than me, and I'm fed up with all the pictures/teddies/ornaments/bedspreads I never use etc. I have told her I don't wear dresses but it doesn't make any difference. I've explained that my house is tiny and I'm trying to avoid more clutter but that hasn't stopped her either.

I can't just get rid of these things because she will ask about them time and time again, even years later, and want to see them, and see where I keep them. She also likes to insist on where I display things she's given me, eg she seemed hurt recently because I said I put a picture in the hallway rather than the living room (which is where she thought it should be).

Is there any way to explain this to her without hurting her feelings? I really do hate clutter and it's getting overwhelming. I know this gift giving is really a debt because she will use it to 'guilt' me into spending more time with her when I'd really like to see my other friends too. Any advice would be much appreciated. I'm at my wits end.

[purplesignup][/purplesignup]

lika_86

Instead of gifts, why not agree that you will both go somewhere with the money instead (day out, afternoon tea or trip somewhere)? That way she gets to spend time with you, treat you and you don't get the tat?

chesky

Bite the bullet. 'It's very nice but just not my style' or size or colour or doesn't go with the wallpaper. Whatever. Then you say, 'look, I'm just not going to be able to use it/wear it'. Such a pity. what should We do with it? Can you return it to the shop or should we take it to a charity shop?

You're going to have to do it at some point. Your friend is being passive aggressive and is dominating you.

IAmWales

chesky wrote: »

Your friend is being passive aggressive and is dominating you.

That's quite an assumption. Having worked with people with learning disabilities I would expect the intention behind this to be one of kindness, possibly of loneliness, but limited understanding of boundaries. Residents would often buy staff gifts, even after being told that we were not allowed to accept them.

OP does your friend have a support worker that you could discuss this with? You do need to explain your predicament to your friend, but in a way that she understands, and you may need to keep reinforcing it for some time before her giving stops.

DoubleDoors

chesky wrote: »

You're going to have to do it at some point. Your friend is being passive aggressive and is dominating you.

Too right! OP you're letting this person walk all over you. Is it because she's disabled and you're afraid people will judge you badly if you upset her?

ripplyuk wrote: »

I can't just get rid of these things because she will ask about them time and time again, even years later, and want to see them, and see where I keep them. She also likes to insist on where I display things she's given me, eg she seemed hurt recently because I said I put a picture in the hallway rather than the living room (which is where she thought it should be).

She is being very manipulative, and you've let it get to the stage where she's dictating what you do in your own home! I'd cut off contact if necessary.

IAmWales

I've tried to work out which is the previous thread about this lady, but OP has had similar problems with quite a few people! The theme in all of them is a lack of assertiveness, OP lets people walk all over them.

Irrespective of their motivation, OP you need to man up.

ripplyuk

This is the previous thread

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5336873

I can be firm with her, and have been, but she really seems hurt when I do that. This is really about these gifts. I can't find the right words to get her to understand that I do appreciate the thought. I just simply don't want the stuff. She seems to find it impossible not to take it as an insult.

ripplyuk

I've tried saying I'd prefer going out for lunch together but she just says she's already decided on a gift, and she thinks I'll love it etc.

She doesn't have a support worker or any involvement with professionals. She works full time and is able to manage things herself. She has no other friends. She can make friends easily but they soon avoid her because she gets so intense. She really doesn't understand that people don't want to spend every spare moment with her.

As an example, I didn't answer her text message on Friday and this meant she sent another 7 messages, then more on whatsapp, and then 5 missed calls by the next morning. I was quite harsh with her about that and it will stop her doing it, but only for a while.

barbiedoll

Why are you still friends with her? It's all very well, being supportive of a person who may be a little vulnerable, but you are being manipulated and it is causing you distress.

You don't appear to be getting much out of this "friendship" so maybe it's time to move on. You don't have family or professional ties to this woman so you don't have to spend time with her. If she can't keep hold of her friends, then that is her problem. She keeps a full-time job, so she can obviously function in a normal social setting. Her lack of friends is not your problem to solve.

Walk away.

elsien

What is the learning disability and is it properly diagnosed?
You must think it's relevant to have posted it, but this person works full time and appears to manage perfectly well without any support. Which makes me wonder if you're being more careful than you really need to be.
Is the person on the ASD spectrum?
People with learning disabilities still need to understand that there are boundaries in social situations, and dictating what you have in your house and where is one of them. I would not allow anyone to dictate to me like that, disability or not.

Edited to add: is she really a friend, as in you get something positive from the relationship as well, or more someone you feel sorry for?

pearl123

Is she trying to buy and keep your relationship do you think?

You could say that you are quite religious but that you like to keep it a secret. However, as a result you don't believe in mass commercialism/ having too much stuff. Or you could go along the route that over-consumption of goods is killing the planet and you are now choosing to declutter the house and live a more simple life. Just two idea that come to mind to put her off.
If she has mental health issues then it is a difficult one.