Bought a house, Really regret doing it.

t0rt0ise

I did similar but was renting so easier to move back. Distance was greater so my ex had to get a job back in the old place in order for it to work so that was our real problem. Once we'd made the decision to go I felt heaps better and put all my effort into saving up and so on. We moved back. The stay had been 10 months.

You need to talk to your partner and decide what to do. You might decide to move back in a year and once the decision is made I'm betting you'll feel much better. Good luck.

moneyistooshorttomention

Time2go wrote: »

Btw they say it takes three years to be totally settled in a new area.

That sort of comment is one of the single most helpful type comments I had when I moved here.

There is a lot of pressure it seems to me to say "I love it here", rather than thinking what one personally feels and I do understand some genuinely mean it and others possibly don't. It was so demoralising to hear so many people saying "I love it here" the second they moved and still saying it some weeks/few months later. Must admit I'd be interested to hear what those exact same people are saying a few years down the line.....

Some throw themselves into being "more local than the locals" and forget their roots and how things are normally across the country as a whole and it is very irritating imo.

The initial settling-in period somewhere can indeed take some time - even if it's been a voluntary move. It does take longer if it wasnt a voluntary move and for some may never happen or they "get into it" but will always have half an eye on whether they might get a chance to "turn back the clock and put right the circumstances that caused a forced move". I guess I'd count myself as forced move/have "got into it" but got half an eye open in case circumstances change (not particularly anticipated....). The "half an eye open" may or may not always be the case.

ScorpiondeRooftrouser

G_M wrote: »

Well, my post's been removed and my hand's been slapped. 2nd infraction in 40 thousand odd posts. If I suddenly disappear it'll be because I'll have committed my 3rd infraction (3 strikes and you're out).

I agree my post was unsympathetic, and apologise for that. But on a housing forum one expects to see housing-related issues and questions.

There was no constructive housing advice that could be offered in this case. Sympathy - yes. Medical/mental health advice - yes. But this is not a health forum and nor is it mumsnet

OK - should have just ignored the thread and moved on to where my help could actually make a difference.

Mea Culpa!

No, you shouldn't have ignored it. All the people offering well-meaning advice are doing entirely the wrong thing. They are putting the OP at risk, not you. Nothing should be said except "this is not the right place, go to your doctor".

ScorpiondeRooftrouser

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

It is not a "mental health problem" to decide one has (possibly) made a mistake.

Otherwise 99% of us would have mental health problems - as it's part of the human condition to make mistakes sometimes.

I don't expect OP is finding it very helpful to be told they may be ill - when it doesnt look like that is the case at all.

We are not dealing with someone who "thinks they have made a mistake". We are dealing with someone who is thinking of killing themselves because they feel they may have bought the wrong house. You think this is a perfectly normal reaction?

When someone has such an extreme reaction to something like this then it is not about the thing they believe they are having a reaction to.

Of course if the OP is exaggerating when they say they have seriously contemplated suicide then things are different, but they say they have, so it's foolish and dangerous to say anything to them except seek properly qualified advice immediately.

Doozergirl

ScorpiondeRooftrouser wrote: »

No, you shouldn't have ignored it. All the people offering well-meaning advice are doing entirely the wrong thing. They are putting the OP at risk, not you. Nothing should be said except "this is not the right place, go to your doctor".

They aren't wrong at all.

Having struggled with mental health issues myself, aling with, I suspect a huge proportion of people that frequent these boards, the absolute best thing you can do is talk. And if it is so bad that you feel suicidal then the best place to talk about that is *ANYWHERE*.

People don't need stigmatising and told that their problems are inappropriately placed. What they need to know is that they are normal. And a place to speak about the practicalities of moving house is as good as any. And look, here on the housing board where apparantly we're all so professional (snort) and compassion isn't allowed to exist, it actually does. People are able to empathise and sympathise. Don't knock it. Mental health is often more about love and community than it is about doctors and anti-depressents.

You know the old saying. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Especially where people are sensitive. The OP has made an appt to see their GP, so that's your side covered. Enough.

Davesnave

LBT_UK wrote: »

Can anyone come in on this and tell me whether they have had Extreme Anxiety with Panic Attacks and Suicidal thoughts and got through it, or did you move back to where you felt more comfortable? ..

Yes, I had anxiety and panic attacks in less enlightened times, about 30 years ago, but it wasn't in relation to buying a house.

In those days, it took some time to get appropriate help and to understand the "Why?" of it, but once I did, I was able to reach a more comfortable place and then ditch the medication.

I'd say you need to understand the "Why?" too. This might have been precipitated by the move, but it's often something far deeper than a change of house and location.

ScorpiondeRooftrouser

Doozergirl wrote: »

They aren't wrong at all.

Having struggled with mental health issues myself, aling with, I suspect a huge proportion of people that frequent these boards, the absolute best thing you can do is talk. And if it is so bad that you feel suicidal then the best place to talk about that is *ANYWHERE*.

People don't need stigmatising and told that their problems are inappropriately placed. What they need to know is that they are normal. And a place to speak about the practicalities of moving house is as good as any. And look, here on the housing board where apparantly we're all so professional (snort) and compassion isn't allowed to exist, it actually does. People are able to empathise and sympathise. Don't knock it. Mental health is often more about love and community than it is about doctors and anti-depressents.

You know the old saying. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Especially where people are sensitive. The OP has made an appt to see their GP, so that's your side covered. Enough.

But it is not normal at all, and telling them "Yes, it's perfectly normal to feel suicidal in your circumstances" is a terrible response. It isn't normal, they need help. And nobody here is qualified to give it.

Telling them they might feel better if they take a holiday, or discussing the practicalities of moving again, is completely unsuitable. If you feel you are qualified, through experience or education, and want to talk to them about their suicidal feelings, go ahead. But talking about this in terms of a housing problem is entirely misguided. Whatever their problem really is, when it is fixed the chances are they will be perfectly happy in their house. It is not about the house.

Doozergirl

OP, I'm glad you're seeing your GP.

I spent my life looking for 'happy' and being eluded. We moved house a lot.

We bought our 'forever house' 13 years ago and lasted 18 months because it was too quiet.
It was probably actually too noisy in my head.

We then bought a house that I loved but we never lived in because my OH decided he didn't like it!

We stayed in our last house for three years and I thought it was too dark, so wanted to move. Our neighbours were wonderful, the house had great character. There was nothing wrong with the house.

When we moved to this house six years ago, I had a breakdown, much like you. I wasn't even as switched on as you are to acknowledge it as depression and anxiety. My GP told me. I then read every book I could from the 'books on prescription' section in library and I found a book for £1 in a shop called "Healing without Freud or Prozac". All of those things helped me start to see that I was fixable.

I was obsessed about this house. I hated it. I found it, but my husband picked it and we bought it because it was sensible rather than love. I fixated on it for probably four years, even through recovery - I still thought the house was to blame for some of my unhappiness.

A very wise lady told me "Wherever you go, there you are". You don't escape unhappiness by changing your environment. You feel good for a short time, but you've just released one particular anxiety. If you are fundamentally unhappy, it will creep back on you. When I understood this, I understood that I didn't need to move. I needed to learn how to be happy and stop worrying compulsively. I have acheived that and I love this house for what it is, my family home, perfectly good. I have decorated it again and put love in this time.

We're all searching for a feeling and sometimes it's misguided that we get that feeling from outside. From a new house, or car or a new love. Often we think the feeling we get is happiness, but it's a temporary relief from the negative voice in the head that's pushing us into the neverending pursuit of happiness. We all have that voice.

Happiness is very much an inside job. We can learn to conjure up good feelings - we are allowed!

The house is not to blame for how you are feeling. I have no doubt that the move and the way you are feeling have co-incided. It's either that you actually were fine but thought there was something better in this shiny new house that you were missing and have realised that there was nothing missing at all.

Or the anxiety has genuinely just started and you're projecting happiness back to where you were before.

Either way, you can move back and there may be some improvements, but what you desperately need is some self love.

Anxiety is an utter lie. Our body behaves in a way that convinces our brain that there is something desperately wrong and that we need to find a way to fix it. We often don't need things fixing at all, or ourselves. We just need to be found and know that we are enough. On a very simple level, I can rationalise when adrenaline starts coursing and heart rate rises and appreciate that nothing is happening, there is no immediate threat, I do not need to worry. I can calm the physical reaction with a logical response - not something I even considered before, I felt scared, there must be something to be afraid of. Mindfulness helps in those circumstance. The ability to be in the moment, not our thoughts.

If you want to talk, PM me. You're not alone and I do understand how desperate and alone one can feel sometimes. I follow Richard Wilkins on facebook and he taught me vast amounts about being okay. And about it being okay to not be okay.

Doozergirl

ScorpiondeRooftrouser wrote: »

But it is not normal at all, and telling them "Yes, it's perfectly normal to feel suicidal in your circumstances" is a terrible response. It isn't normal, they need help. And nobody here is qualified to give it.

Telling them they might feel better if they take a holiday, or discussing the practicalities of moving again, is completely unsuitable. If you feel you are qualified, through experience or education, and want to talk to them about their suicidal feelings, go ahead. But talking about this in terms of a housing problem is entirely misguided. Whatever their problem really is, when it is fixed the chances are they will be perfectly happy in their house. It is not about the house.

I've left my tuppence worth since.

Absolutely, it isn't about the house.

I think you miss how important it is to just talk, even if people aren't giving you the solution. But there are plenty of people here with experience who have shared their own, and it does make people feel more normal just to know that there are many more of us mentalists than we could ever have imagined before we shared.

And a board that isn't about mental health is the perfect place to discover that.

It's fine to be concerned. If you don't have anything to add, don't add it. If you want to suggest they see a doctor, do so, but don't banish them for being inappropriate. It actually does perpetuate the stigma that mental health doesn't involve normal people. It's actually your issue, not theirs and certainly not mine.

The thread started with the practicalities of moving house to solve a percevied problem. It was on topic and I couldn't actually care if it wasn't. I've got all day for the OP if they want it.

getmore4less

This is quite significant for this board as it highlights something often overlooked by people when moving.

It can be very easy while focusing on the things you think you need to do for the next step in life to forget the routine that actually makes your life what it is.

some people can adapt to routine disruption and be relatively OK others not so well.


Moving from a town centre to a village will involve significant changes as the OP has found. often these types of moves are driven by more than just the property, could be change of work, the desire to have a garden and actively use it, better schools for the kids, nearer family, these additional motivations distract because you want to change.

When the sole reason is the property(flat to house) and nothing to do with the rest of your life the changes can be highlighted even more especially if it disrupts elements of the social life.

I would try to identify the core things that are now missing and is there anyway to replicate or replace with something else.

If missing particular friends rather than go to them have them come to you.

In the first post you say you miss people interaction if that is random/acquaintances look for alternative ways to make that happen.

refocus on a hobby, look for new ones they can help fill a gap.

Sometimes you forget how to go looking for things, we get into the routine of getting in the car going to work then coming home life becomes : house, car work, car, home.

In your old locations over time you settle into that routine you know the coffee shop, takeaways, pubs, restaurant, shops etc. and that fills your life outside work/home.

It can be very easy to forget that in a new place you have to explore to replace those routine parts of your life that you took for granted.
walk places get a bike and cycle to places.

Not saying it will fix the issue but might help understand if there is a compromise.

Have a think back to your lifestyle and what you did in your old place outside work, hang around at home go out a lot eat in or out, takeaways, have people round etc.

sometime it can be as simple as just misunderstanding the driver for change.

eg. if you used to go out a lot it could be very easy to think that is because you don't like the flat when in reality you like going out a lot and need a better flat so you can still go out a lot.
Then if at your new place you stopped going out you need to go out more.

Have a think to see if there is anything like that.