Need to tell Husband about running up secret debt again 8 years after the first time.

EssexHebridean

Can we ALL remember please that DFW is to help, not judge. There are some really unpleasant posts on this thread - and people need to stop and think about whether some of the things that have been said, and that others have then jumped on the bandwagon of, were really helpful particuarly in the light of the OP having already said that she was having suicidal thoughts... we also need to remember that we only see things from one perspective here and that can sometimes make things seem very different to the way that perhaps they actualy are. Not saying that is always the case, but it is worth bearing in mind.

Alibat I'm glad to hear that you're working through the issues with your OH - but I still think that you need to formally take control of your own income for a while - once you've got to grips with budgeting and managing things for yourself, then would be a good time to perhaps talk about combining finances properly by means of a joint account, one WITHOUT an overdraft facility might be a good plan! Take back that control first though - nobody should be telling you that you have to hand over all your money to them, particularly in a situation where you have personal responsibility for debts that you need to make sure you can service.

HairyHandofDartmoor

EssexHebridean wrote: »

Can we ALL remember please that DFW is to help, not judge. There are some really unpleasant posts on this thread - and people need to stop and think about whether some of the things that have been said, and that others have then jumped on the bandwagon of, were really helpful particuarly in the light of the OP having already said that she was having suicidal thoughts... we also need to remember that we only see things from one perspective here and that can sometimes make things seem very different to the way that perhaps they actualy are. Not saying that is always the case, but it is worth bearing in mind.

Alibat I'm glad to hear that you're working through the issues with your OH - but I still think that you need to formally take control of your own income for a while - once you've got to grips with budgeting and managing things for yourself, then would be a good time to perhaps talk about combining finances properly by means of a joint account, one WITHOUT an overdraft facility might be a good plan! Take back that control first though - nobody should be telling you that you have to hand over all your money to them, particularly in a situation where you have personal responsibility for debts that you need to make sure you can service.

I agree with Essex that some harsh things have been said on this thread. Stay strong alibat and keep that doctors appointment .

alibat_2

Thanks very much for for those last two posts. Going to speak to OH tonight, he seems much more receptive now. He hasn't yet taken my debit card off me but has told me not to spend anything without his permission. I originally suggested taking a certain about of cash out a week and just using that but he wasn't open to the idea. Not happy about having to ask him about everything, down to the last penny. He wouldn't even let me go and get some potatoes yesterday because he didn't trust me to go to a shop, and wouldn't pick up some honey and lemon for my cold. Found this too extreme. I must discuss this. I'm happy to write everything down, show him my statements and draw up a budget with him though.

Things I've done in the last few days are change all my DDs on slightly higher fixed amounts, cancel my Next account. (didn't carry a balance but it's one less temptation), cancel the insurance on my amex card and insurance on my phone. Not expecting the money from the house this side of Christmas, but even so hoping to pay and close the amex card by then. It has the smallest balance at £1590 and the joint highest apr
at 20.9.
Doctors appointment is a week on Friday. OH is coming with me.

HairyHandofDartmoor

You shouldn't have to ask permission before you can buy anything at all alibat, that doesn't seem reasonable. Treating you like a child won't help you to develop a responsible attitude towards money.

I think that your overspending is the symptom of a deeper problem, so hopefully you can get help from your doctor. Some type of counselling would be very helpful.

It would be better if you had a set amount of cash to spend each week and no access to credit, including an overdraft. If you have a basic bank account, which most banks offer, and no credit or store cards then you wont be tempted .

alibat_2

I only have a £100 overdraft limit anyway, and I'm not overdrawn, so no need to open another bank account. I've rarely touched the overdraft anyway.

I've also taken the cc's off my PayPal and Amazon accounts, and since I no longer physically have the cards I don't have all the details to put them back on. I've also been asked if I could do some private tutoring, so some extra income there.
OH has told me not to sell the bike. It is 20 years old so wouldn't bring in a huge amount (very well cared for though after I got it almost from new from an insurance payout from a major accident), He knows I won't be able to ride indefinitely and getting rid while I'm still physically able to ride will make me more miserable. I do actually generally spend less during the spring and summer when I'm out on my bike or swimming outdoors, so it definitely helps me feel better.

EssexHebridean

That's good that OH has agreed this about the bike - but you certainly need to sort out his attitude to you and spending money at the moment. Have you arranged with your employer to get your salary paid into your account from this month? You can simply say to them that there is a problem with the other account and they need to pay you to the new one - you don't have to explain the reasons.

Good work on the Direct debits and removing card details from the accounts.

enthusiasticsaver

I think your husband is being too extreme now. You are working, receiving your own income and paying your own debts down. I think your idea of showing him statements to prove you are in control and not overspending is a good idea as is setting a budget.

There obviously are deeper problems in your marriage though and maybe the crux of this is he did not tell you he did not want children. Have you come to terms with that? I agree the overspending is linked to something else's you are unhappy about so I wonder if you are angry with him about this. Do you normally communicate well with him, except about money?

The private tutoring is promising as is the fact you are cutting costs and setting up direct debits. Please keep the doctors appointment.

Your DH is being kind about the bike so perhaps some hope that together you can sort this.

EssexHebridean

EnthusiasticSaver you and I usually agree on things as you know, but on this occasion I have to say I think that your questions to the OP here are somewhat over- intrusive. I'm guessing if she wanted marriage guidance advice she would have posted in the marriage and relationships board? I'm very conscious that it would be all too easy to frighten away someone who badly needs support on debt related matters at this time, by taking their thread onto a rather more personal level. I do understand that your questioning stems from the right reasons, but I'm really not comfortable that this is the right sort of place for that line of approach.

Agree totally with paragraphs 1, 3 & 4 of your post though!

alibat_2

Obviously I don't really want to go into details about my marriage on here, but other than the money side we get on well. I am the sort of person who avoids conflict at also any cost and unfortunately this has meant that he very much is the dominant partner (he may get angry easily, usually as a result of stuff going on at work but I've never been worried about my safety). Perhaps if I hadn't been so passive things would be different? No idea if they would be but it's a thought.

Anyway, he was quite late last night so I didn't get chance for a decent conversation. This morning however I did persuade him that I could be trusted to get a loaf of bread on the way home without spending a fortune!

I don't think he'd realised I still had my debit card, and a good thing too. On the way to work I noticed that one of my headlight bulbs had gone. I rang OH up to tell him I needed to call into Halfords on the way home for a new bulb. His response was '' how are you going to pay for it? '' A good example of why I cannot be without it, as what would he say if I got pulled and got a ticket? Will hopefully have another chat tonight.

EssexHebridean

Yes, this is another reason why it's important that you start to arrange things like your salary being paid into your own account...