Need to tell Husband about running up secret debt again 8 years after the first time.

Jenniefour

Alibat, glad to hear you're feeling better and you've had a proper talk with each other. Particularly that your husband is on board about your recurring depression.

zippygeorgeandben

I don't think it's fair that anyone can suggest how someone they don't know will react to hearing that they have been lied to. I wonder if people would react differently on here if it was the husband racking up the debt? I sympathise but it's not the husband's fault that the OP is having 'sucicidal thoughts'. There are plenty of posters suggesting you go and get professional help and I agree with them but you have to help yourself. Go to the bloody doctors, ring up tomorrow morning.

kelpie35

Again OP not taking responsibility for her own actions.

Always someone else's fault.

At least the conversation has started

Lancashirelass1

Jenniefour wrote: »

Can we be very careful here before we start suggesting OP's husband is a bully/abusing her. I'm not sure it's helpful to OP either. How many of us, honestly and hand on heart, would not be very angry indeed in his shoes. He's had a hell of a shock. No, she hasn't murdered anyone or had an affair. But let's not forget this is a very serious debt problem for the second time, as OP has explained, and not an occasional overspend. Why he should be expected to behave like his normal self, having only been informed a few days ago, is beyond me. I doubt he can even think straight right now.

OP needs to give him time to deal with his feelings, and get to a calmer place so they can have some sensible and thoughtful discussions about possible ways forwards. So can we cut OP's husband a bit of slack here with what is more likely (unless OP tells us differently) some uncharacteristic behaviour at present.

Hi there
Agreed....its very hard isnt it, when its by email in writing to have a full understanding. I for one do jump to conclusions, but I did think about it after that perhaps, this is going to blow over, and i have read some previous postings that husband has a very quick temper.
I did kind of hope though that my post was helpful!
Apologies if they werent.
I did think about this yesterday, when my husband was spending all our money, and i think I used to get so angry because I really cared and then in the end, I really didnt care, I remember sitting there one day finishing off an essay for uni, thinking, as soon as I have finished uni, I am getting a better job and I am leaving you - I stopped shouting, I stopped caring and I did exactly just that, I left.
Husband does have a right to be angry (still shows he cares) if that makes sense, and perhaps the taking of bank card is just an element of control for him so she doesnt do it again and so he can gain some order in their life? I dont know, I hope that she reads these posts and gets the help that CBT or a doctor can offer her and look at her spending behaviours.
LL

Lancashirelass1

alibat wrote: »

Things a little easier this evening. Tried to post a longer message earlier but must have timed out my logo! Will post more details tomorrow, but basically we finally had the sort of talk we should have had years ago, he is now on board regarding how ill I have been on and off, and I fully explained how this had happened again. In a much better place than 24 hours ago.

Glad to hear this!!!!
Its very hard isnt it putting it all in writing and trying to explain what is happening. Are you going to go to the doctors and see if there is anything out there to help you?

alibat_2

kelpie35 wrote: »

Again OP not taking responsibility for her own actions.

Always someone else's fault.

At least the conversation has started

Sorry but you are wrong here. I do take responsibility, it's why I feel so bad about it. I should have got stuff sorted years ago. It is not someone else's fault, but mine alone, made worse by pretending everything was fine. I have never learned to deal well with adversity for whatever reason and I take responsibility for that.

alibat_2

zippygeorgeandben wrote: »

I don't think it's fair that anyone can suggest how someone they don't know will react to hearing that they have been lied to. I wonder if people would react differently on here if it was the husband racking up the debt? I sympathise but it's not the husband's fault that the OP is having 'sucicidal thoughts'. There are plenty of posters suggesting you go and get professional help and I agree with them but you have to help yourself. Go to the bloody doctors, ring up tomorrow morning.

I made a doctors appointment last week, appointment is next week. Of course OH has a reason to be angry, I didn't lie on purpose, I was scared and ashamed of what I'd done, and afraid of his reaction. The truth is we have both been guilty of lying about pretty important stuff, I just tended to react differently to his, by avoiding confrontation yet again. What was his big lie? Telling me before we married that he would have a family, but yet when I found myself pregnant and miscarried a few years into the marriage, he responded by saying he wasn't bothered because he didn't want a family anyway

Jenniefour

Lancashirelass1 wrote: »

Hi there
Agreed....its very hard isnt it, when its by email in writing to have a full understanding. I for one do jump to conclusions, but I did think about it after that perhaps, this is going to blow over, and i have read some previous postings that husband has a very quick temper.

Yes, I agree, it can be difficult - I jump to conclusions myself as well at times, we're all human. What I would be hugely concerned about is where someone is posting information that strongly indicates the bullying is an habitual, everyday part of life or the reaction of the other person demonstrates they can't manage their anger at all, and are doing things that most of us would be scared by.

I did kind of hope though that my post was helpful!
Apologies if they werent.
I did think about this yesterday, when my husband was spending all our money, and i think I used to get so angry because I really cared and then in the end, I really didnt care, I remember sitting there one day finishing off an essay for uni, thinking, as soon as I have finished uni, I am getting a better job and I am leaving you - I stopped shouting, I stopped caring and I did exactly just that, I left.

Sounds like that's when the penny dropped for you - and you were able to make the best decision for you. Good point about the connection between getting angry and caring, I think that is the case too.


Husband does have a right to be angry (still shows he cares) if that makes sense, and perhaps the taking of bank card is just an element of control for him so she doesnt do it again and so he can gain some order in their life? I dont know, I hope that she reads these posts and gets the help that CBT or a doctor can offer her and look at her spending behaviours.
LL

Same here - two different problems, debt and depression. I think OP has made a good start, it's a very big deal coming clean with a secret like that for both people, and hope the future is looking a bit more promising for her and her husband now.

And just to say my post wasn't particularly aimed at you personally, and apologies if you got that impression, and I can also see why you did as well. I also think you put very well how it was for you as someone on the other side of this in your earlier post, albeit some circumstances were different.

Lancashirelass1

Good for you.....you are already on the right path to sorting this out.....
It will be hard but you will get through it. Something is triggering your spending habit.....which it sounds like you're willing to address.

HairyHandofDartmoor

That's great alibat that that you're finally talking properly about it with your OH. I'm sure that will help .

I hope your appointment at the doctor goes well next week, it's really important to tackle your depression.