Need to tell Husband about running up secret debt again 8 years after the first time.

alibat_2

Thanks for the support. Well, the good news is that's it's now out in the open. Unfortunately, I didn't get chance to say everything I wanted. That will come this evening. He was quite late again on Friday and Saturday he was on call too so that left Sunday. I was ill all day with worry. I just couldn't find the words to start. I was hoping he would notice I wasn't well and ask me what was wrong, but he didn't. It got to Sunday evening, and he mentioned I'd mean miserable all day, so I took that as my cue. Even so, I think if things hadn't have reached a critical point I suspect I would have chickened out again. I had written everything down. Also a letter with some explanations and how and what I am going to sell. He didn't won't to read that, just the facts of the debt. He didn't scream and shout, but just kept asking how I'd got into this mess again, how I said last time it would never happen again etc. I made no mention of my depression, or indeed that I knew about all his savings etc. That one for sure will be a conversation for another time, when we are out the other side. Wasn't speaking much this morning, but it wasn't quite a stony silence either. No mention of the debt, that discussion will come tonight. Feeling pretty bad right now, but relieved I am hiding this secret no more.

EssexHebridean

Well done for getting it out there. Maybe make today a day where you focus on the small things that you can do to start mending the situation? So listing things that you have found for sale, working out where economies can be made, and above all cutting up any cards that you still have so that you can show him hard evidence of your committment?

nkkingston

It may be best to wait until after you've paid down some of your debt, but it's definitely past time for a household budget. Keeping your incomes so separate isn't helping, especially since he's always earned more than you (it's easy to be sanctimonious about money when you've always got it to hand!). I think it is important to discuss the impact of your mental health on your spending with him as well. I don't like that he "didn't get" why you left your previous job. As your husband, it's his job to support your decisions - if he can't empathise with you needing to leave a !!!!!! job for your health now, he's going to find it even harder as your physical health worsens. If your bike is your main mode of transport, you both need to be thinking about the adjustments you'll have to make to your lifestyles once you can't use it any more. If your mother calls on a friday night when he's working until 11pm, what happens?

You don't sound as though you're working as a team right now, and that's only going to be more important going forward. You need to approach your incomes and outgoings as a team, not a two separate individuals - this doesn't mean he can't keep his investments to himself, but household bills need to be split proportionally and you need to make sure that you both have access to enough information to manage the household should one of you be unexpectedly incapacitated. Equally, you've shown that you have his health in mind in helping him manage his diabetes, and he should have your health in mind in helping you manage your physical and mental health as well.

enthusiasticsaver

Good that it is in the open but household finances do need to be discussed.

If you have separate finances how are the bills apportioned? If he earns a lot more than you does he pay the lions share and if not, why not?

I think you do need to get treatment for your depression and speak to him about it. It sounds harsh but there may be an underlying issue of trust in which your husband may feel you may overspend again which makes him reluctant to share finances. It may take some time but to regain his trust you will need to show you have changed. Are you working at the moment and is getting a second job a possibility?

I have to say though he does not sound as if he has been particularly understanding about your depression so be prepared for him to be quite angry about the debt as it is the second time it has happened. At least though this time you have your mums house proceeds coming at some point. Next time you get paid I would get the bike MOT'd and put that up for sale too.

HairyHandofDartmoor

Hi Alibat, well done for confessing all, which can't have been pleasant.

Your mistake last time was in keeping a credit card. I've been there and done that, so I know how easy it is to spend to help depression, but in the end it just makes everything worse, as you know.

At least the debt is smaller this time. You say you've cut up your credit cards which is great. I never intend to have a credit card or loan ever again (apart from a mortgage) as I know that I can't trust myself with one! You need to remove temptation by removing your access to credit. When the debts are paid close the accounts.

It's very important that your depression is treated. Can you see a different doctor?

I agree with other posters that offering to sell your bike would show true remorse. Good luck!

alibat_2

He didn't want to discuss the debt last night. Things a bit strained but not horrendous, and we managed to be 'almost' normal last night although still not his usual chatty self when I rang him at work.

Had some good news today. Got a teaching position until next summer, starting tomorrow and paying my full qualified rate. Doesn't mean I'm going to stop looking for something more reliable and permanent though. Also made an appointment with the doctor. This does mean that I can now carry on with minimum payments. The cards are now destroyed and I will show my husband the statements each month. When I get the money from my mum I can pay them off. I will put this to him and see how it goes tonight. Feeling a bit better today now I know I will be working again.

enthusiasticsaver

That is good news about the teaching job and making a doctors appointment. There is lots of positives especially as you know you have a windfall coming. I would concentrate on finding free things you can do to help your mental health and some coping strategies for when you are feeling low. Hopefully your doctor will be helpful.

Everything is in the open now and you can start to prove you have learnt your lesson so he can trust you again. Showing him the statements is a good idea I think.

HairyHandofDartmoor

That's great news about the teaching job it will really help :T.

Good that you've made a doctor appointment too, I really think that treating your depression is vital.

I hope you manage to have a really good talk without recriminations with your OH and find out how he feels about it all. He is bound to be disappointed but hopefully he will want to find a workable solution with you.

Stay strong.

zippygeorgeandben

Great news about the teaching. Try and make minimum payment plus £1 on top.
Is this secondary?

EssexHebridean

Excellent news on the job! Now time to set those Direct debits for the cards at a level just above the current minimum payment and leave them there - then see what extra you can pay off the top - remember every penny you can shift off them now means less of that windfall being eaten up as and when it arrives.