I want to leave my partner but don't know how

Garnet_Gem

End it now, It'll not be easy but better now than later. Life's too short to be unhappy.

in_a_pickle101

Thanks to everyone for their posts. It seems kind of obvious now that the things that were stopping me, really shouldn't.

As for her living in the house as a lodger, i'm not sure how good this would be. Ie its prolly a bad idea.

And as for pets et all, sounds pathetic when written down doesn't it. But you do grow attached to them. It was meant as in when she moves out, as she couldnt take them with her.

Shineyhappy

I am sorry that you are so unhappy and it is obvious that finishing the relationship is the best and only real way to go.

To make it as easy as possible, you need to be armed with all the facts and possibly a friend over to help support you.

If you are a homeowner you need to get sound legal advice, if she has been contributing to the bills, then I would think she will have a share of the equity. You need to ask a solicitor about this and if they agree you will need to prepare some cash to buy her out. She may not want this money or realise she could be entitled to it, but you need to prepare for the worst case scenario.

crispeater

cant you let her take the pets with her? that way should you decide to go on holiday you've never got to find anyone to go feed the fish, cat, dog, rat, snake etc etc


sorry not very constructive i know

pigpen

Tell her she can take some of the pets.. or you could offer visiting rights.. but that's a bit silly! Using them as leverage might work to your advantage too.. in a positive way.

As the house is only in your name you can get a legal stance to force her to move out if she won't do it amicably... but obviously you will need to discuss with her first if she will go willingly or if you need to take advice.. if she still says no you will need to see a solicitor.

The answer to 'well I don't' is 'tough! And we need to discuss this because I've had enough'

I loathe waterworks.. it is just simply emotional blackmail (my MIL does it and I want to punch her.. but I don't because I'm nice! I just carry on saying what I need to say) Don't be concerned with them, just ignore it and get it all said.. you can only both move on when you have laid this relationship to rest, considering another one before this one is ended is a really bad idea.

Work out roughly what she has contributed to the household.. allow her to take a few bits she will need for a new house if necessary and stand fast.. if this is something you really and truly want don't be forced to do something you don't want.. bullying and abusive tactics can leave permanent scars.. don't do it to each other... or if she does, accept it and see it for what it is and ignore it.

(((hugs))) because it is a $hitty place to be

Steel_2

I'm so sorry to hear of the situation you find yourself in. I'm afraid I'd agree with what everyone else has said. This is no way for you to live and you have to end it, if only for your own future happiness.

The reason why she's not doing anything about her weight, the no-sex situation and her tantrums is because she doesn't have to. She's safe. She thinks you've accepted it so there's no incentive for her to change her behviour at all. Even when you've said you're not happy, you've not taken that step towards asking her to move out and really meant it so she thinks it's ok. Probably put it down to you being stressed or something. Or worse, thinks she's got you twisted round her finger and can get away with stone walling you when you try to break off the relationship because you won't stand up to her about it.

In terms of money, if you've bought the house and it's in your name, you are not under obligation to give her anything. Has she contributed any substantial amounts of money to maintaining the house? For example, if you had a conservatory fitted and she paid for it and has the receipts to prove it, then she could well have a financial hold. However, just paying a few bills doesn't cut it. Otherwise every lodger in the land would have a claim on someone's house equity. Now if she's paying the mortgage that's a different matter. If it's coming directly out of her bank account every month to the mortgage company then she will have a claim. Anything else - for example giving you a couple of hundred every month - is just rent.

Also don't give her anything out of guilt. Don't even offer. Otherwise if she tries God forbid to take you to court she'll use any offer you make as proof that you are culpable and owe her. It puts you in a weaker position. If she's bought items for the house, like a toaster or throw, she can take them with her. Let's face it, if she was renting a place she'd have probably bought items like this anyway. It doesn't signal any financial hold over the bricks and mortar.

Oh and change the locks as soon as she's gone. Otherwise you'll come back one day to find your house trashed or that she's moved back in because she's had copies of the keys made.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh but a few years ago when I worked in an office I was shocked at what some of the girls would consider doing when they'd just been dumped by someone. Mostly because their feelings were hurt and they wanted to strike back. Sometimes it becuase friends egged them on.

Shineyhappy

"terms of money, if you've bought the house and it's in your name, you are not under obligation to give her anything. Has she contributed any substantial amounts of money to maintaining the house? For example, if you had a conservatory fitted and she paid for it and has the receipts to prove it, then she could well have a financial hold. However, just paying a few bills doesn't cut it. Otherwise every lodger in the land would have a claim on someone's house equity. Now if she's paying the mortgage that's a different matter. If it's coming directly out of her bank account every month to the mortgage company then she will have a claim. Anything else - for example giving you a couple of hundred every month - is just rent.

I think you need to check this with a solicitor as I was told by one that if a partner you co habit with contributes to any household bill then they are contributing to the household and are entitled to a percentage of the equity for the duration in which they contributed. Yes it sounds insane and tbh I think its unfair in the extreme but cohabiting is different in the eyes of the law to having a lodger.

kitchen_buff

Wait till she is out. Change the locks, pack all her stuff neatly in bags and if she questions you why, tell her you have tried to make her understand, and that she is trying to manipulate the situation. Tell her yoy are sorry that it has come to this but you have been left no option.

ailuro2

You're both adults, try to act like it.

don't get into another relationship before you've dealt with this one,
don't use pets as bargaining tools
don't feel responsible for the other person's happiness.

Why did she move in with you in the first place- did she ask to, did you invite her, or did you plan it together? This will affect how you dump her- which is basically what you're planning here, to be honest!!

SarahBB_2

Have you thought that the lack of sex maybe due to the fact that after several years she finds you boring and no longer attractive. The quicker you tell her the quicker she can be with someone who will love every inch of her. I wish her all the happiness in the world.