Money Moral Dilemma: Should I give my younger sister a smaller wedding gift?

MSE_Sarah

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

A few years ago, my older sister got married - my husband and I were doing well so gave her £500 as a wedding gift. My younger sister is getting married later this year and we are not doing as well and also now have children. Have we set a precedent and should we give £500 again as a wedding gift or can we give less based on our circumstances?

Unfortunately the MSE team can't always answer money moral dilemma questions as contributions are often emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be enjoyed as a point of debate and discussed at face value.

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John_Gray

Perhaps when your older sister married you should have foreseen that your younger one might also in the future, and put by £500 (+ inflation!) for that rainy day?

What did they give you when you got married? Match that, plus whatever else you can afford.

Incidentally, £500 isn't going to go far towards the cost of the average marriage, so you will have got off lightly...

Red-Squirrel_2

Give what you can afford and what you feel comfortable with.

Marvel1

Give what you can, if she makes a fuss then her true colours are shown = greed.

an1179

Difficult one really I agree with both the post above perhaps you should have saved £500 for younger sister but as you didn't you should only give what you can afford now.

indiepanda

A few questions I would have (not that it will be answered as you never get any more info than on the original post on these dilemmas) is:-

- What did the younger sister give as a gift when you married? Was that more, less or the same as the other sister?
- What is your approach for other presents - do you automatically give the same value gifts to everyone or do you tailor so you're exchanging gifts of similar value?
- Does the younger sister know how much you gave her sister for her wedding - i.e. has a precedent actually been set?

I would never recommend getting into debt for the sake of a present, but be careful not to be too stingy either - not doing as well and money having to go further is not the same as not being able to find £500, and if your younger sister does know what was given previously and there is a family tradition of buying gifts of equal value for all then it might be worth scraping the money together to avoid friction.

If there's any lesson in this, it's that it's not worth flashing the cash around when life is good if you think it's going to set a precedent that can't be backed down on when money is tighter. £250 would have been a generous enough gift (I certainly didn't spend that much when my sister got married 16 years ago) but compared to £500 it sounds stingy.

GlasweJen

I got lambasted on this same board for expressing that I was hurt that my sisters got £10K each from our parents towards their weddings and I got £2K with my mum complaining to other family members that I had taken her last penny (utter lies).

So based on that I'd say give what you can but don't expect the recipient to be happy about it though if she does complain you get to put it about that she's selfish and greedy (not just feeling hurt and overlooked) and it's not that you favour one sister over the other or that you're now a bit stingy because your financial priorities have changed.

Deblou

Hello, if you were my sister I wouldn't mind at all you not giving me the same amount, after losing family members and friends I know that family are much more important than all the money in the world. £500 seems a lot to give for a wedding present so don't feel bad if you can't manage it, does she have a gift list you could pick something off of instead. I'd suggest talking to you sister and explain your situation rather that worry your self unnecessarily

gaving7095

LOL of course just pay what you can afford :-) It's a marriage so the people concerned aren't children, so there needn't be any "Waah - You love them more it's not fair!" etc.

You previous gift should have been kept secret anyway - I'd find it distasteful for either side to reveal the specific figure of a monetary gift in those circumstances.

Teacher2

£500 seems an enormous sum for a sibling to start with!

If your younger sister knows what you gave your older sister then I should explain to her that you would like to give the same but that your financial circumstances are tighter and that you now have children's costs to contend with.

She should be reasonable and accept this.

Perhaps she won't as people are not always reasonable. However, you cannot get into debt and jeopardise your children's security over a present which most would find overly generous anyway.

Good luck. Weddings are meant to be all sweetness and light but they can be an emotional minefield as well as horrendously expensive.

Oakie

Maybe you could help her out in kind. Are you creative? Bake the wedding cake,make bride maids dresses,bunting !
Offer the spare room/sofa to distant wedding guests .
Or perhaps offer to help with decorating her home or even mow her lawn for a year.