My child is a thief

annandale

You don't register at the job centre at 17. You can only claim benefits at 18 unless there are exceptional circumstances.

foolofbeans

Buttonmoons wrote: »

How do you know it wasn't the other children that helped themselves?
Kids will have sticky fingers, I think you need to find out if it was definatley your 17 year old, perhaps the other kids have seen he/she helping themselves and copying ?

The other children are primary school age and have no concept of money yet. They do get an allowance but any change is just left lying about as they don't understand the value of it.
I've tried to think it could be anything other than my 17 year old but I can't see where else the money could have gone.

*max*

The way you keep referring to your kid as "they" is worrying. I understand you may not want to say what sex they are for your own reasons, but it also feels a lot like your are distancing yourself from him/her, and that do you don't like him/her very much.

The whole thread sounds like you've given up on your child before you even started trying actual techniques of dealing with their issue. You never even tried to get them diagnosed because "You know know how long that takes!!". He/she never stood a chance. I'm betting he/she doesn't feel loved, and rightly so.

LadyDee

annandale wrote: »

You don't register at the job centre at 17. You can only claim benefits at 18 unless there are exceptional circumstances.

Well, it won't stop him looking for a job. Never mind, his mama can persuade the doctors he's got ADHD, when he's 18 he can just claim his benefits and won't even have to babysit to get some cash, even if somebody else is responsible for the missing money.

foolofbeans

*max* wrote: »

The way you keep referring to your kid as "they" is worrying. I understand you may not want to say what sex they are for your own reasons, but it also feels a lot like your are distancing yourself from him/her, and that do you don't like him/her very much.
The whole thread sounds like you've given up on your child before you even started trying actual techniques of dealing with their issue. You never even tried to get them diagnosed because "You know know how long that takes!!". He/she never stood a chance. I'm betting he/she doesn't feel loved, and rightly so.

I am referring to them as 'they' so I don't identify their sex, no other reason than that.
Honestly though, I do feel a distance from them particularly due to the stealing issue. It really hurts to have somebody you love treat you so badly.
Not getting a diagnosis was never because I couldn't be bothered, but it is an uphill struggle and I don't think even getting a diagnosis would make life much different.
I'm quite surprised at the opinions on this thread but I take them on board. Please don't think I don't love my child or want the best for them though - if I didn't then I wouldn't care about what they did. I started this thread because I was hoping for some advice on how to deal with this issue and so far I have taken from it that I have to push for a diagnosis (and I will) and I should give pocket money (I need to think about this as I stopped it to try and persuade them to get a job which is very easy to do around here as it's a tourist area).
The other thing I take from this is that apparently it is all my fault. I didn't need this thread to feel like I have failed as a parent but it's been really great to have that thought reinforced

Nicki

LadyDee wrote: »

Well, it won't stop him looking for a job. Never mind, his mama can persuade the doctors he's got ADHD, when he's 18 he can just claim his benefits and won't even have to babysit to get some cash, even if somebody else is responsible for the missing money.

The school leaving age is now 18 so children need to be in education or formal training (e.g. apprenticeships) until then. I assume when the OP was referring to the child getting a job she meant a paper round or part time work which fits around school for spending money not full time employment.

My 17 year old who is starting his last year at school in September doesn't have an external job though he is happy to babysit his younger siblings when needed, and has an allowance. He works hard at school and personally I think this is OK. He'll have plenty of time working for a living before he retires!

annandale

Not sure why the sarcasm to me for pointing out that you can't be registered at the job centre before 18. It's quite normal to claim benefits while looking for work.

Surely the OP has to take some responsibility for the fact that money keeps going missing and doing nothing to safeguard that money. Ie locking it away.

And if he has got adhd surely he should get a diagnosis and treatment for all their sakes but particularly his.

Some teenagers do nothing for their pocket money. Why should he be mocked for babysitting?

annandale

It's not just about a diagnosis, it's about medication that might help the condition

amistupid

foolofbeans wrote: »

The other thing I take from this is that apparently it is all my fault. I didn't need this thread to feel like I have failed as a parent but it's been really great to have that thought reinforced

Unfortunately this is the way of the world, society now likes to blame others for the actions of offenders.

I was a neighbour beat officer for most of my career and have dealt with numerous cases of kids stealing from their parents. This type of offence can occur in any family, levels of parenting 'skills' were rarely a contributing factor.

LadyDee wrote: »

In the "good old days" you could ask the local bobby to put the fear of God into a wayward child. Perhaps have a chat with a PCSO in your area and ask them to speak to him on an unofficial basis, he won't get a criminal record as a result, but if left unchecked his thieving might escalate to something which might lead to one.

Indeed this was once the case and it often resolved the problem, however, nowadays the Police service do not encourage 'unofficial' action and any officer found putting the fear of God into a 'child' would probably lose their job.

barbarawright

What makes you so sure that a primary school age kid has no concept of money? That seems very odd to me - presumably they've visited shops with you?

Nobody is saying it's your fault. What some of us are saying is that it really isn't that uncommon and in many cases, the child grows out of it once he gets his own money. Certainly having a Saturday job made me realise how long money took to earn and that people do tend to know how much they have in their wallet