urgent help/advise needed

iammumtoone

Red squirrel - thank you so much that has made me feel better I think this does come under emergency leave, it states this can be used for mental heath issues.

He is now home he was fine at first just pleased to be back. It then all kicked off as he spotted a sweet wrapper in the bin normally I know better than this but he is not suppose to be back until Friday night so I didn't think. He went mad as I ate a sweet without giving him one! I did try to explain someone gave me it at work and I only ever had one

I can't live my life like this on edge all the time in case I do something 'wrong' I feel awful now as it my fault he kicked off normally I know not to do things like this but the bin would have been emptied before he was due home.

I am so upset and stressed What have I done wrong to end up with a child that has now completely trashed his bedroom including tipping over the bed and chest of drawers cause I dared to eat a sweet last night and didn't have one for him

barbiedoll

What exactly is your son's issue? Does he cope with school work and with teachers/other kids etc? (You say he's fine at school)

Why does he go so frantic if you're not with him? There must be a reason for this, he's a bit too old for "attachment issues". What's the story with his dad, was there any domestic violence, and does he feel that he has to be with you at all times to "protect" you? (Or vice versa, if he has been on the receiving end of violent or scary behaviour)

Obviously, I don't expect you to answer these intrusive questions on here, but you need to try to work out where this behaviour is coming from. Kids tend to lash out if they feel threatened, is there any chance that he is being ill-treated by those who are caring for him? (Possibly unintentionally, we all know someone who used to get a good thrashing from their parents and who insist that it "never did them any harm", these people tend to perpetuate such behaviour down the line)

Does he have any sensory issues, problems with loud noise, crowds, fussy eater etc?

Is there any way that you could (discreetly) film him when he kicks off, just so that you have some evidence of his tantrums? Even a sound recording would help.

It sounds as though you would both benefit from therapy, counselling or just someone to off-load to, at the very least. I suggest going to your GP or the SS and not taking no for an answer. And maybe tell your son that unless you both get to the bottom of what is troubling him, he may not have any say over the future. It sounds like you're at the end of your tether, you have my upmost sympathies.

Quick edit: I've just seen your last post....really? Over a single sweet? Is this how you are living your life, pandering to his every whim? Are you afraid of your son? Do you discipline him ever? (I'm honestly not judging you, I just want to understand how it has come to this)

Please, please get some help for you both, there will be other jobs but you only have one son. I wish you both well x

Sorry....another edit. I've just seen from another thread, that he has ADHD, in this case, badger SS for more help. This is a recognised disability (not just "bad" parenting) and they have a duty to help and support you to care for him. Apologies for my earlier comments, I didn't realise that you had a diagnosis for him.

Geoff1963

I'd have thought by the age of 10, he should be able to understand that there are things you have to do, in order to look after him. If not, then ( as a friend described her nephew ), "he has lots of letters" ; and that means Social Services have a budget with his name on it.

He can control himself at school, but not with you ; and yet he wants to be with you. Your son might well come before your work, but he doesn't come before you ; so even if he is the most important thing to you, you need to keep yourself able to look after him ( like in an aircraft emergency, you first put on your own oxygen mask ).

I think that's the only piece of sound advice I can offer ; even if you believe your only role in life is his care-giver, it is a long-term job, and that means not always doing what he wants. If he has to go away with others, try to explain that he is hard work ; and you are not sending him away to be cruel, but to cope.

P.S. I'm not sure how long you've been managing on your own, but if it's more than a week, you deserve a medal.

iammumtoone

Barbiedoll - the sweet incident is not unusual it is to do with sharing he knows that you should share (he has been taught right and wrong) and I didn't! To be fair to him if only he has sweets he does share/offer with me and others. He has always been like this I never forget he was around 3-4 years old and there were 5 biscuits in a packet he had two I ate three he went ballistic as he had worked out I had the extra one! most parents would have been able to get away with lying that we had had even but somehow he has seen the packet worked out how many in it and realised he had missed out (he is an extremely intelligent child, always has been).

Yes he has all of those sensory issues. I have tried filming him but it is impossible to do anything discreetly around him he is highly tuned to what is happening around him and will notice.

i am not afraid of him in the sense he will hurt me but I am always aware that at anytime at the slighest thing he can kick off. I am not ashamed to admit I want an easy(ier) life I am always either at work (work school hours) or with him. Work is stressful, at home I don't want tantrums every night.

iammumtoone

Geoff1963 wrote: »

I'd have thought by the age of 10, he should be able to understand that there are things you have to do, in order to look after him. I would have thought he should understand this as well I have tried so many times to explain that I need to work to pay the bills keep a house over our heads / pay for holidays etc but he either doesn't understand or chooses not to If not, then ( as a friend described her nephew ), "he has lots of letters" ; and that means Social Services have a budget with his name on it.

He can control himself at school, but not with you ; and yet he wants to be with you. If he is with me permanently (weekends for example) he still has his moments but is loads better, I know how to handle him so he doesn't get into these states, The issue is when he is with others (school or other people) they don't reconise the signs don't know what to say/not to say and once he gets into a state it is too late there is no getting him out of it. The trick is to not let it get to that stage but others aren't able to do this as well as me. Your son might well come before your work, but he doesn't come before you ; so even if he is the most important thing to you, you need to keep yourself able to look after him ( like in an aircraft emergency, you first put on your own oxygen mask ).

I think that's the only piece of sound advice I can offer ; even if you believe your only role in life is his care-giver, it is a long-term job, and that means not always doing what he wants. If he has to go away with others, try to explain that he is hard work ; and you are not sending him away to be cruel, but to cope. I do try to send him away to others to give myself a break but they send him back as they can't cope with him (including his father who does this as well) so not sure what else I can do really I can hardly say I am not taking him back then where would he go.

P.S. I'm not sure how long you've been managing on your own, but if it's more than a week, you deserve a medal.

...........

Geoff1963

Perhaps more general understanding of the world, would help him to make sense of it. Sharing doesn't always mean exactly the same, every time, at the same time. You are physically bigger. so biscuits / kilo, you should get more.
Either that, or the slightest "transgression" as he sees it, is an excuse to let off steam.

We all want to know that others have recognised the hurt they have caused us, so perhaps there are less violent ways, like he could have a yellow and red card to produce. The trick is to react to those cards, with the same seriousness as you would a tantrum ; he can learn that it is just as effective and less effort.
I'm an amateur at this, learning as I go.

iammumtoone

Geoff1963 wrote: »

Perhaps more general understanding of the world, would help him to make sense of it. Sharing doesn't always mean exactly the same, every time, at the same time. You are physically bigger. so biscuits / kilo, you should get more.
Either that, or the slightest "transgression" as he sees it, is an excuse to let off steam.

You have described it much better than I could. To him yes everything does mean exactly the same, every time in the same way. If this doesn't happen he gets very upset/agitated. He is awaiting an assessment for ASD but the wait is very long (up to a year)

We all want to know that others have recognised the hurt they have caused us, so perhaps there are less violent ways, like he could have a yellow and red card to produce. The trick is to react to those cards, with the same seriousness as you would a tantrum ; he can learn that it is just as effective and less effort.
I'm an amateur at this, learning as I go.

That is a good suggestion thanks. I did have an idea when we he goes back to school if when he gets home he manages to stay calm for 5 minutes he gets a reward then the next week he has to stay calm for 10 mins etc. Problem is a sticker chart/trip to the park doesn't cut it anymore even the professionals tell me for him it has to be a treat to make it worthwhile to him, unfortunately with the job situation I won't be able to afford to test to see if this would help.

...................

Geoff1963

Most of us get by in the world, by rationalising things that don't make sense. A good one is that you always go out of the same door of the house ; even if the journey is North, South, East or West.

I'm guessing you have different shoe sizes ; so he must understand that when you have to put on 4 shoes between you, he gets the smaller ones, and he'd struggle with bigger ones. More of this might help him to get some flexibility / appropriateness into his moral compass, and you can use examples he learns, to explain the new ones.

If there are things he likes doing, get him to explain which aspects he likes, so you can do near- equivalent things. Get him to list alternatives of his favourite things, so you know what his second choice would be : if you wanted cornflakes, but there's only rice crispies or weetabix, which would you want ? Better to find out in advance. The problem seems to come when there is a let-down. Maybe this could be as some sort of game, and you can play too ; explaining how you often have to make do with second best.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

iammumtoone wrote: »

I keep ringing chams they see us once, my sons sits there and says nothing, then no more help until I ring again. Nothing gets resolved as he won't speak to them and I am unable to say what the issues are in front of him.

Why can't you describe the issues in front of him? It's not surprising Child Services can't help if neither of you tell them anything. Would it help to keep a diary recording details of each incident? That way you can give the relevant professionals a calm, factual account that they can review. You might also be able to see a pattern for certain triggers (eg food, social settings) for bad behaviour.

Have you looked for support groups in your area? It's not an uncommon problem these days, so there might be more sympathetic people nearby than you think.

Skint_yet_Again

I had very similar problems with my son but he was not diagnosed with anything. He also used to have problems at school and at home. If he saw I had bought myself something such as a pair of shoes he would go ballistic. It was getting to the point that I was scared of him and I was at the end of my tether.
I had help from cahms non-violent resistance which helped and they saw me several times on my own so I could discuss things with them without DS being able to hear. Please contact cahms they have people who can mind your son whilst you speak to them in another room.