Husband walked out

CathH

Please help with any advise, my issues are making me ill. My husband of 8 years walked out 12 months ago saying he doesn't love me anymore. We have a daughter 19. We have a joint mortgage. He is now living with a family member. I have remained in our house with our daughter. He has not paid any money towards mortgage or any bills since leaving last August. I have asked for a divorce following a consultation with solicitor they recommended a clean break order, I paid for this but he refused to sign- he said he wants to wait 3 years for a divorce (don't know why). When he left he said I could keep the house and give him 20k when I decide to sell. I'm scared he will come into the house while I'm at work- or even worse want to move back until he gets a permanent residence. Can he do this ? Even though he has made mo contributions for 12 months. I have fibromyalgia and OCD, just been put on antidepressants because I'm not coping at all with the uncertainty of him coming into the house. This is part of my OCD!

Fireflyaway

I don't know the answer but I agree you need some answers, you can't just sit and wait for 3 years. I think these are legal issues so go and get advice from a good family solicitor. Try to remember things will get better and that although things are annoying now, it won't always be this way. Could you write to your ex and outline your desire to sort things out? Is he unsure what to do himslef or deliberately trying to be obstructive? What if you don't want to sell the house? Would he agree to get the mortgage transfered into just your name with a legal ' charge' against it stating when you do sell he is entitled to 20k? That way its your house and he can't come back. Just a thought. Is there a family member you both respect who could be a go between to help make it less stressful? Hope it works out soon x

TBagpuss

I suspect he is thinking of a 2 year separation, which allows you to divorce without either of you having to blame the other. A lot of people mistakenly think that it is cheaper than divorcing on other grounds.

You can divorce him even if he doesn't want to divorce yet.

In terms of finances, the aim is to come to a fair settlement. This would involve not only the house, but other assets such as any pensions or savings. Normally you would start by each providing details of your finances so you were both clear on what there is to divide up.

If he doesn't want to be divorced yet, then you could get a separation agreement drawn up. It's really important that you both get legal advice, if you decide to go down that route, but it can protect you financially to a great extent.

In relation to the house, he is entitled to come to the house as it still belongs to both of you. However, as he no longer lives there, he'd probably be advised not to just let himself in, but to let you know in advance if he needs to return for any reason.
Does he still have keys?

If it is worrying you, I'd suggest that you get the locks changed. You are not breaking any laws by doing that. Strictly you should then give him a set of keys, if he asks for them but at least you'd then know he was wanting to come back.

It's another reason to try to sort out the financial arrangements as in a court order is made setting out the position with regard to the house , you can define what rights each of you has to occupy it.

Be aware that it's unusual to have an order which lets you delay selling the house as long as you want - it is much more common to have a specific 'trigger point' such as children finishing education, or a fixed period . You would normally also define the amounts you were each to get when it is sold as %'s of the value, rather than specific sums, as no-one knows what the house will sell for.

CathH

So lovely for you to take the time to reply. He's too busy enjoying his free to think about this. I might type up what we have both agreed and see if he will sign it. Although I'm devastated he has left me after meeting at 15- and now 40- I know it must have been a hard decision to make. Im just emotionally drained and still mourning him. He's made it clear he will never come back so the quicker it is sorted the quicker I can breathe properly again . Thank you

Sicard

If you're worried about him coming back change the locks.

Guest101

Sicard wrote: »

If you're worried about him coming back change the locks.

Even though he could literally do the same thing?....

Guest101

CathH wrote: »

So lovely for you to take the time to reply. He's too busy enjoying his free to think about this. I might type up what we have both agreed and see if he will sign it. Although I'm devastated he has left me after meeting at 15- and now 40- I know it must have been a hard decision to make. Im just emotionally drained and still mourning him. He's made it clear he will never come back so the quicker it is sorted the quicker I can breathe properly again . Thank you

You've called it - husband walked out.


But were there warning signs. Was he trying to tell you he wasn't happy? 25 years together, I can tell you he didn't leave on a whim.


You say he's enjoying his freedom, but does that mean the relationship was more one sided? Were you overly critical? Had the romance died?


It takes two to make a relationship work. If you had stopped initiating intimacy (a common cause of problems, so its not personal to you), he may have just got tired of holding it together.


I wouldn't take notice of him saying he's never coming back at this early stage. If you want to rebuild your marriage, that may be possible. (and frankly the only reason I can see he'd object to the divorce is that he still cares - otherwise why not take freedom when it's offered)


Don't bad mouth him to your daughter. Don't jump into another relationship. Instead give it some time.


Either he comes back, or you'll have time to heal.

CathH

No he didn't leave on a whim- and I appreciate how hard it must have been for him, he has reverted back to his teenage years- which is his choice. I did have a clue- he was always telling me he loved me we've had recent holidays together and good see life- it was a big shock!! I became ill two years ago with a mental health issue- he found this hard to accept and yes it did change me however I didn't ask to become ill- invisible illnesses are horrid! I would never ever, bring my daughter into it- she is 19 and as is old enough to make her own choices I encourage her to see her dad as often as possible. I have also kept in contact with his family as they had become my family too! They are all just as shocked as I. Now the shock of him leaving me has settled, I want him to be happy! Life is too short otherwise. I just feel a divorce would put a closure to it! I redecorated the whole house so it feel more like a new home for me and daughter.

Part of my illness includes major anxiety that I am medicated for. I don't cope well with stress and uncertainty! We always did everything together and he always has always had nights out with family friends. I truly but foolishly believed we were happy he always said he was happy and loved me lots.

It's over now I just want a fresh start so I can breathe again without the pain in my chest and start rebuilding my confidence to be able to move on. Like he has.

ameliarate

Guest101 wrote: »

You've called it - husband walked out.


But were there warning signs. Was he trying to tell you he wasn't happy? 25 years together, I can tell you he didn't leave on a whim.


You say he's enjoying his freedom, but does that mean the relationship was more one sided? Were you overly critical? Had the romance died?


It takes two to make a relationship work. If you had stopped initiating intimacy (a common cause of problems, so its not personal to you), he may have just got tired of holding it together.


I wouldn't take notice of him saying he's never coming back at this early stage. If you want to rebuild your marriage, that may be possible. (and frankly the only reason I can see he'd object to the divorce is that he still cares - otherwise why not take freedom when it's offered)


Don't bad mouth him to your daughter. Don't jump into another relationship. Instead give it some time.


Either he comes back, or you'll have time to heal.

wow a bit harsh. You appear to be blaming the OP. Fact is the husband walked out without, as far we we know, discussing any issues with the OP beforehand and trying to make things work.

I don't doubt that in any relationship there are faults on both sides but communication is key and it doesn't sound like he is communicating well.

Guest101

ameliarate wrote: »

wow a bit harsh. You appear to be blaming the OP. Fact is the husband walked out without, as far we we know, discussing any issues with the OP beforehand and trying to make things work.

I don't doubt that in any relationship there are faults on both sides but communication is key and it doesn't sound like he is communicating well.

Not blaming, I cant ask the husband questions - hes not here....

Loz01

Sicard wrote: »

If you're worried about him coming back change the locks.

Surely you cant do that when its a joint montage?

Or he could go back,change them and lock the OP out if thats the case.