How to react to elusive man

Fusspot

Hi, just asking advice as I don't know how to react. I've been seeing this man I was at school with on and off as friends for a few years now. The other week he took me out for the day and was wanting to get close to me. I started to have stirrings of feelings I can't explain. He told me he was going away the week after to Spain on his own. Fair enough.

Previously he had told me in text conversations about his cousin who works at the Archives where I go now and again as family history is my hobby, he sent me a photo of her and asked if I recognised her which I did. Since then she has posted photos on Facebook, tagging his page in, of the two of them on trips out together, no problem with that, cousins can be close.

However, now he is in Spain and he put a photo of the apartment on his Facebook page. Someone had commented how lovely it looks and then his 'cousin' made a comment that it really is as lovely as it looks. Hence telling me she was there with him and he told me he was going on his own. So why lie about it?

After this and feeling more suspicious I looked through his Facebook page and found a post where his cousin had thanked her Dad and him (this man) for doing some work on her house, again she linked it to his Facebook page. Someone had commented 'Aren't Dad's great', to which she replied 'Yes they are and boyfriends are very useful too', to which the other person commented 'Oh yes I did mean Paul too'. Paul is the man I am talking about. Alert - why is she classing him as her boyfriend?

I think she possibly is his cousin as I can see the resemblance in their features, plus there is a photo on her Facebook of 'all the family' together as she put it and Paul is there on that.

I don't know if cousins can legally have a relationship, but I am wondering what the crack is here. I know I don't own him, he has his own life and I have mine and I don't want to come across as heavy and questioning him but I hate being lied to by anyone and I think I deserve the truth and I feel he is taking me for a fool.

So he texted me when he first landed in Spain and I replied and to say I hope he's having a nice time and just said I didn't realise he was going away with his cousin as I had seen it on Facebook. It took him two days to reply and then his answer was that it was all a last minute thing as the apartment in Spain has three bedrooms and he didn't want to be Billy No Mates! I don't believe him. Who has time off work at the last minute and can have the money at the last minute and drop everything to go abroad?

I haven't replied as yet, I want to tell him about the 'boyfriend' comment on Facebook but I don't want it to come across like I'm quizzing him. Should I wait until he is home, meet up with him and mention it nicely face to face and see his reaction?

I feel sure there is more to this than he is making out or am I barking up the wrong tree?

Fireflyaway

Yes cousins can legally date / marry / have kids together. Personally I feel its a bit odd and would never do it, even though my own cousins are like strangers to me as I never see them. As for having kids - its irresponsible. It causes greater likelihood of birth defects. Ok I'm rambling, that wasn't your question!
Well without asking and knowing for sure it could be multiple things. They might just be great friends. They could be dating but embarrassed to admit it. Its not that socially acceptable if they are related.
Are they actual cousins? I have a friend who refers to a good friend as his cousin as a mark of respect in the community. Its a cultural thing. There are not actually related though. Are there step parents involved? Could they be ' step cousins' ? If that's a thing?!
Just ask him outright. If its on face thingy its obviously not that much of a secret that they hang out. Maybe he did plan to go alone and it was a last minute thing that she went?
Don't confuse or stress yourself just ask him.

onomatopoeia99

Fusspot wrote: »

Who has time off work at the last minute and can have the money at the last minute and drop everything to go abroad?

I do, as an example of who. I have untaken holiday days available, I can take them at short notice and I have money in the bank if I wanted to go on a holiday and a good offer came up.

Also, there is no bar to cousin marriage in this country, never has been. Some (a little under half, I think) states in the US ban it, but this is a UK based forum.

justme111

Fusspot wrote: »

Hi, just asking advice as I don't know how to react. ..

I haven't replied as yet, I want to tell him about the 'boyfriend' comment on Facebook but I don't want it to come across like I'm quizzing him. ?

But you ARE quizzing him.

PasturesNew

In a relationship sense you don't really have one with him. He appears to want a leg over ...but I think that's the end of it.

You're now "making a bit of a nuisance" of yourself as it's not your place to question where he goes/who with.

I think you should just accept he tried it on to get a free legover - and that's that.

Find other people to be mates with; treat him as "bloke I used to go to school with and I bump into occasionally" - and stop stalking him on Facebook and cross-questioning him about it.

He went to Spain ..... he didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.

You have nothing. He's not a boyfriend. He's a fella that fancied his chances one day when he felt a bit randy.

Timpu

Fireflyaway wrote: »

Yes cousins can legally date / marry / have kids together.

I'm pretty sure in the UK cousins cannot legally marry. There are other countries where it is permitted.

Anyway, OP, I'd just move on. Doesn't sound like you trust what you're being told so giving him a chance to explain is a bit futile. He may be genuine, he may not but do what's right for you.

Fusspot

Thanks for your replies. Pastures New, I think its more than you imagine it is. He is has been texting me for a while suggesting more than just a leg over. I know its not my right to quiz him but I feel that if he wants a relationship with me its only fair I know if he is seeing someone already because if he is I won't go down that road and I think the least he can is be honest with me. I would expect my female friends to be honest with me so why is a man any different? He is still texting me now from Spain.

PasturesNew

Fusspot wrote: »

Thanks for your replies. Pastures New, I think its more than you imagine it is. He is has been texting me for a while suggesting more than just a leg over. I know its not my right to quiz him but I feel that if he wants a relationship with me its only fair I know if he is seeing someone already because if he is I won't go down that road and I think the least he can is be honest with me. I would expect my female friends to be honest with me so why is a man any different? He is still texting me now from Spain.

This is the behaviour of a bloke who thinks he can "get away with it", string you along and have a bit of "fun" with "no strings" attached.....

Everything he has been doing is !!!!-driven nonsense - and he's possibly even got 3-4 others on the go, or at least trying to get a bit of "extra leg over" where he can.

He is clearly shady and dishonest and not interested in anything with you else he'd have been open about his plans and everything.

That's just how some blokes are. If they think they can get a bit by "playing the game" and leading women on, then he'll do it and not even think it's "wrong"....

Some blokes just do this .... it's all perfectly normal to come across them from time to time - and most you probably knock back because you're not interested.

Truth be told you're not really into this bloke except he showed a bit of interest... so you were fooled into thinking you could have something that's actually not available/on offer.

He won't even see the problem if you tried to say "Oi, no..." and would shrug and think you're the one with the problem... and move on to the next hapless person.

He's just a clumsy opportunist "bit of no strings fun" idiot

If he really wanted anything to do with you he's known you well enough and long enough to have shown a proper interest and done things the right way.

tattycath

Maybe he is keeping his options open.
If you start telling him you've seen this, that and the other on Facebook, you look like a stalker. It won't end well.
IMO if you are suspicious about him and his 'cousin' and you're already having doubts, (as other have said) just treat him as a mate/acquaintance and move on.

tattycath

PasturesNew wrote: »

This is the behaviour of a bloke who thinks he can "get away with it", string you along and have a bit of "fun" with "no strings" attached.....

Everything he has been doing is !!!!-driven nonsense - and he's possibly even got 3-4 others on the go, or at least trying to get a bit of "extra leg over" where he can.

He is clearly shady and dishonest and not interested in anything with you else he'd have been open about his plans and everything.

That's just how some blokes are. If they think they can get a bit by "playing the game" and leading women on, then he'll do it and not even think it's "wrong"....

Some blokes just do this .... it's all perfectly normal to come across them from time to time - and most you probably knock back because you're not interested.

Truth be told you're not really into this bloke except he showed a bit of interest... so you were fooled into thinking you could have something that's actually not available/on offer.

He won't even see the problem if you tried to say "Oi, no..." and would shrug and think you're the one with the problem... and move on to the next hapless person.

He's just a clumsy opportunist "bit of no strings fun" idiot

If he really wanted anything to do with you he's known you well enough and long enough to have shown a proper interest and done things the right way.

Totally agree with this.

Mojisola

Timpu wrote: »

I'm pretty sure in the UK cousins cannot legally marry.

It's always been legal in the UK.