The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat!

Hard_Up_Hester

Hugs MMF and Silver Oldie,

Islandmaid

Silveroldie what a horrible situation to be put in, your DDIL sounds like a very selfish person, I am not a religious person, but believe this is the season to think of others and be a welcoming and inclusive as you can be, something we should be doing all year round I know - I think I would not do anything about it during the actual day, but maybe after ‘silly season’ has finished, drop her a polite note explaining that you saw her thoughtless post, and was shocked and upset by it - I hope it was something that she deeply regrets xx

MMF I do hope they can find a home closer to your Mum, you sound rung out, does the hospital have a social care liaison person?

I was thoroughly spoilt for my birthday yesterday, great day...

Today is mission Christmas, we eat our meal tomorrow, so giblet gravy is being made, Turkey is dressed and ready to go, Icecream made, stuffing made, veg prepped blah, blah, blah. Think gin will be in order later xx

fuddle

I've been thinking how to respond to you silver-oldie. I'm just out of the other side of confronting my mother in law and it's been the most stressful experience. I think the reason why it's been stressful is because DH and I have let a lot slide in terms of MILs behaviour with our girls and so when the straw broke the camel's back happened, it all came out.

I would do it it differently next time and I think I would go along the lines of what islandmaid suggested in that a little nice, friendly, non confrontational chat about how hurt you have been might appeal to her to get an apology and move on. I would never now bring anything up without DH being there either so maybe when your son is present too.

Things like this fester into big things but I think the culture of social media norms is to blame for this too. If all her friends are negative moaners on her feed then it's going to be normal for her just to play that game too. Sometimes facebook etc are attention seeking tools and what better way to get attention than to appeal to the 'inlaws at Christmas time' jokes and moans.

I think she would be mortified if she knew she had upset you... ground swallowing her up kind of scenario.

whiteguineapig

Silver Oldie, please remember that (I think) posts on Facebook can be deleted, so if you want to ask her about it maybe try and copy the quotes and the context in case she deletes them

nursemaggie

I may be too late with this. I have been struggling with answering this because something similar happened to me. What ever you do do not answer the comment on social media. My son not only does not speak to me but his sister too.

I have to admit that despite visiting only about every other year he did not actually speak to me when he did visit. His partner did not speak to me for well over two years from them getting together until they visited when DGS was 2. He is 9 now. It does not feel like he is my grandson. I have never been allowed near enough to him to touch him. She has never let me near him. She just ignored me to the point of turning her back every time I opened my mouth. My son accused me of being the cause. He just turned the whole thing on me.

I would be very careful how you handle it so you do not end up never seeing them again.

Guess who emails me every few days, yes my son's partner. She has been trying to butter me up ever since. I guess mine was coming to me because my son's reaction to my cancer diagnosis was to cancel a visit blame me for putting his children in danger???? and ignore me for the next two years.

Please don't end up line this.

I just had an email from her with a picture of her holding up a present asking which one of the kids is this for it has no label. I know I put one on. They all have two small presents and an envelope with money in it.
My son's is two separate parcels because they were two difficult to wrap together. She is jealous is jealous he has two and she has one.

You may end up with this pettiness so be very careful. Best of luck.

Hugs to silver-oldie, burtha, MMF007, VJsmum, and silvasava I hope you are still improving and that the family are organising Christmas.

MMF007 I agree with fuddle It really is not right of the hospital to move your father further away unless your mum can be with him.

MMF007

Thanks everyone. There are so few homes in the area, it is very rural and the only nearby home closed a couple of years ago! The options seem to be, 35 miles one way or 40 miles the other. This is the highlands of scotland so understandable.
I spoke to his nurse today and essentially he has no medical need to be there and is (she was delicate enough not to actually say) bed-blocking those who can be rehabilitated there when transferred from the main hosp. Dad needs care but has only pain killers and no other meds. No real medical needs atm.
The cottage hosp is full and there is a waiting list for transfers to it.

When mum told a friend that dad may be moved to xxxxx care home, the friend blurted out, 'Oh thats terrible, I wouldn't put my dog in there'. I could scream. I have spent the day trying to get mum to stop crying and take a calm look at the situ. I have found the Care Inspectorate report (equiv of CQC) and it is good to very good in all categories. I have already thought of a couple of options to make travelling to visit easier. I'll try and rope my brother into thinking it through as well, he's had more sleep than us!,

I am not sure there is a viable alternative due to lack of appropriate care homes within a wide radius, but thanks Fuddle for suggesting that we may have options.

I am about to check whether his care would be classed as continuing care following hospital emergency cos mum suddenly said about the fees, which had never occurred to me!

PS - Silver Oldie, don't apologise, it is nice to divert my mind onto something else!

greenbee

MMF - can you talk to them about whether it would be possible to arrange care at home? I guess if he's not getting any worse then they won't be suggesting the hospice option, but if he's not likely to recover you could talk to your local hospice about whether it is appropriate and whether they offer a 'hospice at home' service.

I'm sure there will be someone on one of the other boards who knows about care home fees and how/when the apply. I hope they aren't rushing you into a decision - but maybe you can take advantage of the holiday and the fact that they won't be able to move him over Christmas to get as much information as possible to make your decision.

Is it an option for your mum to stay with you/your brother and move your dad to a home near either of you?

nursemaggie

MMF007 If the hospital are doing the transfer without involving the local authority the NHS will pay the fees. If they get Social services involved. If you do what greenbee suggests, which sounds like a good solution, Social services may get involved.

I suggested your mum went with him because she would then would no longer have the travelling. They would be assessed on there income without taking the house into consideration. That would only happen if your mum went into the home too and was not going back home later. Rooms in homes usually have long waiting lists.

MMF007

Greenbee, I had thought of that but we live hundreds of miles away and he is not fit to travel. Good idea though and thank you for thinking about it xx

ETA - thanks also NM - useful info and suggestion. xx

karcher

MMF007 wrote: »

Greenbee, I had thought of that but we live hundreds of miles away and he is not fit to travel. Good idea though and thank you for thinking about it xx

I just hope you get something resolved to ease the trauma on you all.

You are in my thoughts MMF xx