I ended things with my BF but he wants me to stand by him. Feeling torn.

trey101

Hi folks. A lot of you on here know my situation. Click here to see my most recent post.

I followed all your advice and ended things with my BF last night. Thing is, he doesn't want it to be over.

It started when I admitted to him I've been snooping and that it's pretty clear he still loves his ex girlfriend. I said I don't trust him anymore and don't want to be second best. I also said I know he won't forgive me for the snooping either so it might as well be over between us.

Surprisingly he said he forgives me for snooping and wants us to stay together. He said he loves me very much and would be devastated if it was over. I said he might as well just get back with his ex; that it was obvious he had regrets about breaking up with her, so why not just get back together?

He told me something I didn't know before. That her parents were homophobic and that they'd never in a million years allow their daughter to be with a bisexual like him, especially one who left her for a man. He admitted no one knew about his sexuality until he got with me. Her parents didn't know, and neither did his ex. He admitted the reason he ended things with her was because he realized he had fallen for me. He said his ex forgives him and has been amazing, but feels she deserves a better man than him.

He's begged me to stay with him all day. Obviously, I still love him and want to try and overcome this obstacle. From his messages it's obvious he still has feelings for his ex, but he swears there's no way they'll ever get back together.

Should I try and give things another go? or should I give up for good?

IAmWales

You're second best.

Walk away.

thorsoak

Do you really want to be a doormat? Have you got MUG tattooed on your forehead? No - so just give up. He wants the best of both worlds - his girlfriend and his boyfriend.

Do you really want to be part of a menage a trois?

Have some dignity, man!

meer53

Take your self respect and walk away. He's panicking now because he 's going to end up with neither of you.

System

You know what we are all going to say....

unholyangel

Something isn't adding up here - he was with her how long? Supposedly someone he loved and he lied to her about his sexuality for how long? So what reason did he give her for ending things given you say they (ex & her parents) didn't know about his sexuality until he got with you and also that he didn't get with you until 2 months after they split up? How did he know they'd never accept their daughter being with a bisexual (or that they'd even have any say over the matter) if they didn't even know until 2 months after they split up?

If you're looking for any of us to say yeah go for it, he obviously loves you loads....I don't think that'll be forthcoming. Tbh, when you start asking for relationship advice on an anonymous forum, its a sign imo. Not just that the relationship isn't going to last but that deep down, you already know that but are hoping someone can tell you something to make it all okay because you want things to work out.

Primrose

It strikes me that your boyfriend is probably a very emotionally confused individual at the moment who probably loves both you and his previous girlfriend in different ways and is possibly having real problems trying to work out his identity.
You have made the decision to split because you understandably don,t want that affection to be shared. I know very little about bisexual people but I suspect the best way you can help him, if you feel you want to do something positive, is to encourage him to get some counselling with an organisation which is skilled in supporting people with bisexual problems.

In his current mental state it seems he is in no condition to commit 100% to you. If you stay you may probably go through some agonising times of doubt and uncertainty. On the other hand, depending on the type of person he is, once he has resolved his identity issues, he may have the capacity to become a permanent long term reliable partner.

Only you know whether you can trust him to do whatever is needed to convince you that the relationship is worth continuing commitment. You can love somebody without them being the right person for you. That is the key issue you have to resolve in your own mind.

mariposa687

I'll echo what others have said...you're second best here. Stick with your decision.

You said you don't trust him anymore...you can't get trust back once it's gone.

Marvel1

From your previous posts you are the rebound person and he is scared to be alone and be independent.

Pollycat

trey101 wrote: »

Hi folks. A lot of you on here know my situation. Click here to see my most recent post.

I followed all your advice and ended things with my BF last night. Thing is, he doesn't want it to be over.

It started when I admitted to him I've been snooping and that it's pretty clear he still loves his ex girlfriend. I said I don't trust him anymore and don't want to be second best. I also said I know he won't forgive me for the snooping either so it might as well be over between us.

Surprisingly he said he forgives me for snooping and wants us to stay together. He said he loves me very much and would be devastated if it was over. I said he might as well just get back with his ex; that it was obvious he had regrets about breaking up with her, so why not just get back together?

He told me something I didn't know before. That her parents were homophobic and that they'd never in a million years allow their daughter to be with a bisexual like him, especially one who left her for a man. He admitted no one knew about his sexuality until he got with me. Her parents didn't know, and neither did his ex. He admitted the reason he ended things with her was because he realized he had fallen for me. He said his ex forgives him and has been amazing, but feels she deserves a better man than him.

He's begged me to stay with him all day. Obviously, I still love him and want to try and overcome this obstacle. From his messages it's obvious he still has feelings for his ex, but he swears there's no way they'll ever get back together.

Should I try and give things another go? or should I give up for good?

trey101 wrote: »

Hi all,

I posted here last month and have an update to my story. I'm pretty gutted and could do with some advice.

I'm a gay male and my boyfriend of 6 months is bisexual. He had recently left his long-term girlfriend when we got together.

In my previous thread, I was concerned about some messages between and BF and his ex. All the advice on here was very much appreciated. Sadly I've still had insecurities and tonight I've looked at his phone while he was sleeping. (He has a passcode but I watched him enter it to find out what it was).

My gut instincts were correct as there were many more messages between him and the ex. Just the other day he texted her saying he knows he wants them to be together but the fact he ended it and found someone else so quickly is something he could never forgive himself for, and that is the reason things are the way they are. She didn't say much, she just said she wants him to be happy. He told her he's happy with me but it wasn't that simple.

I don't know how I was able to keep it all without telling him that I saw them. I just walked home and made up some excuse that I had a migraine, and now I'm posting on here... he's texting asking if I'm okay and I don't know how much longer I can hold it in.

At least he didnt tell her he was miserable with me, that's something I guess. But he said he wants to be with her... I just... what am I meant to think after seeing that? Some advice would be appreciated. I don't know what to do. I love this man.

It may be the way I'm reading it but the 2 sentences in bold in the second quote (from this thread https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5620171 )
seem to contradict what you've posted in the first one.

And what happened to your BF's ex's new partner:

trey101 wrote: »

Hi again folks, I have an update and it's good news!!

Things are going strong between us and I've come to the conclusion this was all completely my own insecurities.

My BF mentioned today that his ex has now got a new boyfriend and said how happy he is for her. He showed me some texts and he was wishing her the best and said that he hopes she's happy.

I think this shows he doesn't have he feelings for her that we thought he had. Feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder knowing she's moved on and that my BF is happy for her!

If all of this really is real, I suggest you sit down and have a read back through the first 3 threads you started and then decide if you think this relationship is worth saving.

Diary

I said on your many previous threads he was hedging his bets. You aren't here to be his 'experiment' while he finds out what he really wants. Nor is she.

You are allowing him to take the p11s out of you.