We can't afford to live together and have children

Malthusian

JPB156 wrote: »

I have got myself on a list for something called cognitive behaviour therapy so hopefully thats the first step

Sod the list. CBT or hypnotherapy costs around £50 a session, which you can afford. Take action and do it, assuming you don't like being this way.

thorsoak

OP: Firstly, as has already been suggested - get help with your anxiety problems before thinking about having children. Believe me, an anxious parent can be poison to a child - raising a child when you cannot keep your own anxieties under control is hell for the child who reflects your own anxieties. I know ....I was the daughter of a mother who suffered all her life from anxiety issues :-(

mariposa687

It's probably already been said given how long this thread has gone on for but you have to decide what's most important. As an example, my brother has 3 kids and they had them all before they bought a house. Sure, I bet affording a mortgage and bringing up children isn't a walk in the park - a lot of things in life aren't that simple.
As others have said, do you need to buy your ideal house right now? Can't you buy something that would do for the moment and work with that?
There are several things I want in life at the moment that I don't have as I've had to start over. The thing is I can't do it all at once and have to pick out what is most important for the moment and focus on that. To have achieved savings of £34,000 is great - if I had that I would jump at the chance to buy my own property. You have to make a decision because as you're worrying, time is going on.

AndyBSG

JPB156 wrote: »

It's self confidence as well, I feel it's such a nice house that it's too good for us and so we must be stupid for thinking we can afford it.

So, if you can afford the house now but aren't sure if you can still afford it when interest rates go up and you have kids to pay for there's a simple solution.

Buy the house now with a long term fixed rate, overpay the mortgage as much as possible to build up your equity.

If in the future the sky falls in and you find yourself the father of triplets with interest rates rocketing up then you address it.

By that point your house value will have increased, the amount of equity you have will have increased meaning you can sell up while pocketing a big chunk of cash and down size to something more affordable... Or, if they sky doesn't fall in you can just carry on living there.

Not living your life because of things that may or may not happen in the future and are totally beyond your control is folly.

Top_Girl

OH and I earn less than 40k between us (I'm part time).

I have a 12 year old already.

We're expecting a baby.

We rent.

We've resigned ourselves to renting til baby is at school, then buying after. Using the money we'll save on childcare.

It'll be fine.

I don't know why you're making this into such a bigdeal, if I'm honest.

pollyanna24

Just to jump on.

I earn £32K, have mortgages of £184K and am a single mum to two little girls. I manage.

Poor_Single_lady

It must be quite frustrating having £40,000 and living with your parents.

I know this sounds mean and I don't intend that but I think you sound a bit like Scrooge. Putting all the money safely In The bank and never spending.

When you Love someone you want to be with them and renting or buying it doesn't matter. You put them at the centre and build round them. I really don't understand how you are living.

You are in quite an enviable position but I don't think you realise. In choosing to stay with your parents it feels like you are opting out of life a bit.
Everything is set up waiting for you but you are choosing not to take it.

Just go and buy the house. Move the girlfriend in and see how it goes. Much like most other people in their 30s are doing.

indiepanda

thorsoak wrote: »

OP: Firstly, as has already been suggested - get help with your anxiety problems before thinking about having children. Believe me, an anxious parent can be poison to a child - raising a child when you cannot keep your own anxieties under control is hell for the child who reflects your own anxieties. I know ....I was the daughter of a mother who suffered all her life from anxiety issues :-(

I couldn't agree more with this post. My mother suffers from anxiety and as a result I was a very anxious child too - slept badly, lots of nightmares, very shy, not able to stand up to bullies at school. I had a period signed off work with stress about a decade ago and some CBT afterwards and I am now better at keeping things in perspective, but it's taken quite a bit of work to get to this point. I knew from a young age I didn't want to risk having children of my own and behaving like my mother did

Sadly mum's ongoing anxiety problems and her lack of inclination to do anything bar take pills is still ruining both her and my dad's life. I try not to think about my parents too much because I swing between feeling angry with her for not cooperating with psychologists and the like who have been sent to help her, and then feeling guilty for being cross with someone who has been ill for so long that she is too scared to try anything - treatments when she was first ill were more or less non existent.

Not everyone is cut out to be a parent, and anyone who is that scared of buying a house when they can afford it doesn't sound ready for the responsibility of parenthood, which challenges even the most robust of individuals.

thorsoak

It's understandable where my mother's anxiety issues stemmed from: at the age of 7, in 1917 my grandfather was listed as missing, presumed dead in WWI. My grandmother had no income, and four children - aged 7 (my mother, 5, 4 and nearly 2). So she went to work in the local munitions factory - and my mother, then aged 7, had to get up at 6, get up her sisters and brothers, give them breakfast (firstly heating up the porridge made by her mother), wash and dress them, do her sisters hair, get the two little ones to a neighbour who would mind them, and get herself and her sister to school. This went on for nearly 3 months before Grandpa was identified in a hospital and his army pay resumed. That was bad enough. But then, just as WWII started in 1939, my brother died, aged three months, and again in 1941, my sister died on her first birthday - so when I was born in 1943, her anxiety levels must have been sky-high.

meer53

thorsoak wrote: »

It's understandable where my mother's anxiety issues stemmed from: at the age of 7, in 1917 my grandfather was listed as missing, presumed dead in WWI. My grandmother had no income, and four children - aged 7 (my mother, 5, 4 and nearly 2). So she went to work in the local munitions factory - and my mother, then aged 7, had to get up at 6, get up her sisters and brothers, give them breakfast (firstly heating up the porridge made by her mother), wash and dress them, do her sisters hair, get the two little ones to a neighbour who would mind them, and get herself and her sister to school. This went on for nearly 3 months before Grandpa was identified in a hospital and his army pay resumed. That was bad enough. But then, just as WWII started in 1939, my brother died, aged three months, and again in 1941, my sister died on her first birthday - so when I was born in 1943, her anxiety levels must have been sky-high.

This is so sad. It puts everything into perspective doesn't it ?