When things hit rock bottom the only answer is to fight the way back up...

EssexHebridean

It's a tricky situation with your Mum isn't it - but I definitely agree with those that feel that she seems to be trying to take control over your life. Maybe say to her that you can't afford all the "extras" at the moment. If you phrase it that you "really appreciate all she does and love that she wants to do things for/with the children, but until you let her know otherwise that needs to be at a cost level that SHE can - and is willing to - afford, as your priority quite understandably has to be on keeping them housed, clothed and fed" - there's not too much she can take offence at there - but she does need to understand that she can't continually add bits and pieces onto what you "owe" her - it's just not fair on you.

Is there any way you can make her debt a priority to get cleared? I know in ANY other circumstance it would be a no-no - and of course the priority debts need to be kept up with, but I just wonder if getting that particular slate cleared might make it easier to move forwards? If there is no debt there in the first place then it's not so easy for her to add stuff to it, is it! Absolutely the right thing about not letting her buy the coats too - a gentle but firm "no thanks" can go a long way there. You've got to make it clear that the figure you currently owe her is it though - and that you won;t be acknowledging anything else added on without discussion and agreement as owing by you - otherwise as fast as you pay off one thing - and you're doing so, SO well with that - the higher the debt to your Mum will climb!

The sleep thing - yep that definitely sounds like it's worth chatting with the counsellor about, you need to get to the bottom of it for sure as you can't keep on like this.

Hiddenidenity

Thank you EH. I have spoke to mum, she agreed the £800 I said that was definitely the final figure and I wasn't accepting any more changes. It's down to £575 now. I have been sending her the survey earnings, bits left over from budgets along with some of the switching bonus etc. I really want to clear her debt as soon as possible.

I have tried to look into who else I can speak to regarding the incident with youngest but I'm not sure who there is to speak too. I don't want to make any complaints, I just want to discuss the mistakes etc and reassurance if that makes sense. Waiting for the health visitor to call me back in the hope she has an idea.

EssexHebridean

Ahh that's good news about having agreed that level with your Mum at least - I know it's still a lot but at least you can now feel confident that she's not going to be adding more to it - or at least if she does that's her tough luck, isn't it! It did oc cur to me that all these things like days out etc that she's "charging" you for - she takes the kids, and has the day, you pay, but the kids think it's all her doing, which is pretty harsh - then you get left feeling as though there's not enough opportunities for fun! Not right, and really needs to stop.

Oh - on with DS's trousers? I'd personally be telling him that if it happens again he'll be wearing the torn ones until he grows out of them - patches in a truly unsuitable non-matching fabric or not is his choice... It's like the old thing we had of having to do PE in your pants or stuff from the lost property box (that was worse!) if you forgot your kit - most kids only ever forgot it the once! :rotfl:

I think you're looking to tackle things the right way with youngest too -you need to find the best way of getting the situation sorted and sometimes complaining isn't the best way to reach that resolution, is it!

Stick with it lovely - you're doing great! :T

abba1772

I agree with Essex she can't charge you for looking after the kids, she must know that you do low cost days out so why has her total hit £800, was it not under £150 at one point......where has she taken them???

My mil takes kids some weekends and we do offer her money but she insists that she wants to take them out so we give the kids spending money I don't think I know how I would respond if she started charging me......did her parents to that to her???? It does seem odd and it's money that could have went towards your actual debt

Time to get firm with your mum xx

I say this with the best intentions btw xx

Hiddenidenity

She has things like new PJS? That have never come home. Pack lunch food /snacks/juice etc. Day to the zoo (£84 entry, dinner out) Bit of random toys (again haven't come home) Mainly from when she had them why Youngest in hospital. She doesn't have them often only really when youngest is an inpatient and obviously they can't stay in with me and her.

It does look like she does these things, like she always has to give a 'better' xmas present than I do to them, she must get them double what I do. I don't mind in the sense I love they can have what I couldn't afford, however it does make me feel rubbish that kids being kids obviously do see the amount she gets them in comparison to me. Same at birthdays or if we are on holiday etc.

EssexHebridean

Agree with Abba's comment - time for your foot to go down. Things like the PJ's for when they're at hers, I can't imagine another grandma anywhere that would expect a parent to pay for those. And the trip the zoo etc - that's disgraceful that she ran up that sort of spend and then expected you to pay for it - I'm not being funny lovely, but a family earning 7 or 8 times what you do - probably even more - would have issues with being hit with that sort of spend with no notice.

It's lovely that she's prepared to help - but I'm honestly finding myself questioning whether she does it for the right reasons - it feels more that it's to do with getting one over on you/showing you up, than wanting to spend time with her GC's! I guess now you've put your foot down about the spending, you'll find out, though! :eek:

abba1772

Does she charge your sister???? Xx

Hiddenidenity

My sister doesn't have kids but no she's 6 years younger than me and done everything the 'right way' She stayed at home, went to college and just bought her own house with her partner.

I think I'm just the odd one out :rotfl:

Me and mum have our issues and if it wasn't for the smalls I think the relationship would be near non existent to be honest.

In other news I have an appointment Monday morning to discuss the things over youngest. PALS have arranged it and it will be discussed and I hope it makes me feel better and reassured.

bagpuss38

Have you thought of looking on eBay for school coats hidden, I've always been lucky every year and got my girls some beautiful virtually new. Kids grow so quick that they don't wear them for long and so are usually in good condition.

System

I sympathise with you about your mum , I buy and spend all sorts on my Grandchildren it's my choice but I would never recharge their mother. However it's your mum and you have to deal with her as you see fit , you have had many helpful suggestions.

I can't help with your bad dreams as I don't feel qualified to do that , but you have support from agencies maybe one of them can point you in the right direction.

Coats my grandsons was £10 from Primark it washes lovely. Your 2 eldest are older than him so maybe dearer .

Your comment on my thread was much appreciated.