Budgeting with an unenthusiastic husband

MallyGirl

Another spreadsheet freak here. I have a multi-tabbed sheet with bank/mortgage, credit cards inc dates the 0% runs out, other bank accounts/regular savers, links between the tabs and entries for money that moves from one to another, S&S ISAs, pensions, DD's accounts, shares, and all that jazz.
I check everything at least a couple of times a week via online banking.
It is held on a shared drive so DH can look at it whenever he wants - but I know that will never happen.

cms-help

On a different note, would be worth investigating whether you would be entitled to Maternity Allowance as a self-employed individual.

I think you need to find out exactly what is coming in on both sides and then what is going out. Some couple split everything 50/50 regardless of earnings and some split in proportion to their earnings in terms of "joint" expenses. There is no right or wrong answer as every set of circumstances is different. It does sound as though both of you need to understand exactly where your money is going, how long the debts will take to repay, aims for the future (e.g. maternity leave) etc etc.

MrsLWW

NLC I feel for you, I was very much in the same situation, regards a grudging husband. He was a spend thrift and liked money to fritter - now we're a debt-busting duo!

It did take a long time to get my DH on side. I did it, by budgeting for everything - including the things he wants out of a month (i.e. socialising and some fritter money).

The way I did this was jam-jar accounting - not for everyone, but worked for me, whilst you may not be ready or willing to open a plethora of current accounts, you could sit down, with your DH and work out what goals you want and afford budgets for them. In my experience, the best way to tackle your finances is to budget - for EVERYTHING, this includes things your husband will spend or will want to spend on, regardless of whether you agree with it or not, otherwise your budget will fail month after month. Also save for an emergency.
We have
- Our own individual accounts (into which our wages are paid and from there we have standing orders into):
- Joint bills account (over pay a little for emergencies)
- Joint shopping account (this might be a winner for you)
- Joint fuel/car account (enough for both our fuel needs for the month and mot/services)
- Joint X-mas/Birthdays account (added up everyone we buy for throughout the year and divided it by 12)
- Joint socialising fund (exactly what it says on the tin)
- Joint emergency fund
- Indivudual spending accounts (an amount each of us was happy with to spend on as we please)

I also have a BTL property which has it's own account.

Currently we are aggressively attacking our debt, so we don't yet have a saving account set up, but that's next lol.

As I say, jam-jarring isn't for everyone, however analysing your (and your DH) spending habits and getting a budget organised that you are both happy with (if he's not, he won't stick to it) would absolutely be my advice.

HTH

L

enjoyyourshoes

All I can say is I empathise .

Getting joint agreement to 'spending' when there are two very different approaches is very hard.

I can not provide an easy solution as I have tried many and yet to find one that is reliable !

enthusiasticsaver

NorthLondonChick wrote: »

Wise words from everyone - thank you so much xx

I will ask him tonight about his feelings about everything and see if we can come to an agreement. I wrote that massive first post to try to explain why I think I feel so nervous about losing everything and having no money. My sister went the other way - credit cards maxed out, new car every year, wardrobes bursting with clothes. I think once she got some money she wanted to enjoy it as she'd never had it growing up. I went the other way.

I'm going to ask him about his personal account too. I'm not quite sure what he earns (that sounds insane reading that back!). I think it is around £3k mth but he has various outgoings that i dont such as gym (which he does go to!), cineworld card, Netflix, Prime Music etc.

When i said last mth that we needed to change our DD into joint account from 1000 to 1200 to cover the new loans he was unhappy and said he was feeling uncomfortable about so much money needing to go into the joint account.

Either this means he thinks we're overspending or he is not happy about having less "me" money.

I think this needs addressing. As does what happens when a baby comes. Should I be saving more money now to cover maternity (ideally 6 mths) or is this a joint thing that we both should contribute too? I'm not sure.

Lots to talk about.....

I think he needs to get a grip on reality. Presumably he was on board with taking loans out? Unfortunately after taking them out paying them back also has to happen. Having a baby is a joint decision so yes savings for this will also have to come from joint money so even more of his "me money" will go.

Pixie5740

Each to their own but your household finances as a married couple seem odd to me. 1) You have no idea what the total household income is because you have no idea how much your husband earns and vice versa I suspect. 2) I get the impression your husband earns a lot more than you yet all household bills are split 50/50 leaving him with significantly more spending money than you. This probably means your husband doesn't have an issue with current spending levels for things such as entertainment because it's more affordable to him than you. I think this needs addressing especially before you have children. Does he really think the current financial set-up is sustainable whilst you take maternity leave?

DigForVictory

NLC, I hope that chat has happened & that he hasn't written anything off as "just hormones". I'm not at all convinced you're in a sustainable place when baby makes three & thus a talk about how long you take maternity, & how he plans to fund being Dad are thoroughly in order.

If you want to leave the BTL off the table, I'd understand but he may feel you're "hiding assets" (worse if you *do* need to tap him for help, but at least you have that option).

Coping with someone who doesn't budget is tough, so the sooner you can get him onboard, or at least alongside, the better! I'll bet he's of the "nothing but the best & brand new for my baby" school too. License to make the boutique baby shops rich when what the little one will need starts with food, nappies & love rather than high end kit. A separate skirmish, I suggest.

All health & strength to you!

Mnd

I know each to their own, but we don't have mine/yours money. Yes it is is different accounts but that's just to get maximum rewards from the accounts. The thing that we couldn't do is have equal money for personal stuff. My wife's list includes, make up, shoes, hairdressing, presents for work, greeting cards, avon, clothes etc.

I don't need much. Couple of pints and perhaps a packet of veg seeds!

Hope you get sorted

LabRatty

Hi,
I echo what others have said about equal amounts for spending being fair rather than equal amounts into a joint account.
I'm more concerned though about you planning for a baby when he seems to be in 'out with the lads' mode and feeling he's entitled to his money. At your age (you said late thirties) you have a limited window of opportunity to conceive - just one of the facts re female fertility. I think The Talk you describe needs to start with plans and priorities for your life together and how to fund that realistically while also paying down your accrued debt. Is he ready for the self-restraint and occasionally self-denial that parenthood requires?
Don't expect to get the house sorted quickly. List the work you'd like to get done and then put in priority order (structural/exterior work first, internal reorganisation/replacement next, cosmetic stuff last) . Save up and pick off the list one at a time without overstretching yourselves.

None of us can have it all, despite what the adverts would have us believe. Once you sort your priorities as a couple and what you're prepared to forgo, I think the rest will fall into place.

All the best,
LR

freshcotton

We just have the one current account where both salaries are paid and I set the budget. Whilst this can, at times, lead to some "discussions" about money, for us it's the most efficient way to manage our money. But I understand not everyone works the same way.

My parents always pooled their money so maybe it just seems normal to me.

OP, you appear to have a lot of equity in your home so financially I presume there have been a lot of good times too? Maybe focus on your fortunes rather than worry too much, whilst always being careful with money of course.