Coming Out

Legacy_user

Hi

This is a difficult one for me because coming out to my parents is extremely hard for someone living with parents where my mum especially has homophobic traits. I don't know where to begin with her as I am fearful of my mum disowning me due to my sexuality, although that's her problem and not mine which needs to be sorted out between herself.

Since her and my dad split up a few years ago, when they drifted a part from one another I also feel that I get on with my dad first and foremost as this is most likely the first person who I would let know about my sexuality, but it's the not knowing how he will react. I see him now and again to catch up on things etc.

I am very confident that I am gay, have always took a likeness towards men as opposed to women in terms of attractiveness. It's took me so long, six years in fact to enable me to come to terms with my sexual orientation to the point where I feel that up to now I can't come out because of my mum who has the wider problem which prevents me from saying 'Mum, I'm gay'.

I feel that I shouldn't have to lie constantly as well about what I'm doing outside the home, because I'm big on the gay scene like going to gay clubs, so have to lie instead and say I'm going to the cinema with friends. This is not how it should be.

Newusername1

If your Mom does disown you can you afford to go it alone?.

Don't think you should have to lie about your sexuality. Don't think that really does anyone any good.

hazyjo

Why do you have to tell anyone. I'm 99% sure my 21 year old nephew is. His dad isn't particularly 'tolerable'. Although my niece (his sister) is only 17 and out.

Do what's right for you. Say the name where you're going. They probably won't know it's even a gay club or bar. If they do, let them work it out for themselves. Isn't the cinema a bit early compared with club opening times?!

Primrose

You don,t say your age so are you working and able to afford to live in a place of your own rather than living with your mother which you appear to be doing ?

Sooner or later you may have to broach the subject. You either simply come out with it or let the notion slowly creep into her head by the comments you make or the company you keep. I would concentrate your efforts at this point on whatever you need to do to earn an income to be able to live independently then you may find that your mother's attitude matters less to you.

tensandunits_2

My old uncle never had a girlfriend, but I'm fairly sure he never 'came out' to anybody, - you didn't in those days. Nobody questioned him about his private life, and he chose to keep it private.

System

hazyjo wrote: »

Why do you have to tell anyone. I'm 99% sure my 21 year old nephew is. His dad isn't particularly 'tolerable'. Although my niece (his sister) is only 17 and out.

Do what's right for you. Say the name where you're going. They probably won't know it's even a gay club or bar. If they do, let them work it out for themselves. Isn't the cinema a bit early compared with club opening times?!

I feel like I need to let her know because am intending too go to a Manchester Pride event this coming August, so rather than say I'm going wherever for three night days I would rather say I'm going to Pride which she can work out for herself what that means.

Primrose wrote: »

You don,t say your age so are you working and able to afford to live in a place of your own rather than living with your mother which you appear to be doing ?

Sooner or later you may have to broach the subject. You either simply come out with it or let the notion slowly creep into her head by the comments you make or the company you keep. I would concentrate your efforts at this point on whatever you need to do to earn an income to be able to live independently then you may find that your mother's attitude matters less to you.

Hi, I'm 24, and have no job. At the moment, I'm studying a Logistics and Warehousing Traineeship then move on to an apprenticeship after twelve weeks hopefully, so no even if I did let her know about my sexuality I wouldn't be able to afford a place of my own. I get £180 every two weeks from the Jobcentre and I'm destined to save up for a flat with the money I am getting from them.

I have an instinct inside my head, everyone says always trust your first instinct, because I've got a feeling my dad would accept me more to be honest, then I would be more than comfortable for him to pass the news around to other relatives etc, at his own discretion of course.

Mojisola

himynameisaaron wrote: »

This is a difficult one for me because coming out to my parents is extremely hard for someone living with parents where my mum especially has homophobic traits. I don't know where to begin with her as I am fearful of my mum disowning me due to my sexuality, although that's her problem and not mine which needs to be sorted out between herself.

It will be your problem is she tells you to leave her house!

Don't do anything rash that will make your situation worse.

System

Mojisola wrote: »

It will be your problem is she tells you to leave her house!

Don't do anything rash that will make your situation worse.

Yes, I know, it it's still her problem that she has homophobia issues and suppose that can't be changed.

I can't believe parents still get a kick out of disowning their children based wholly on their sexuality, homophobia in the 21st century is rife. Fair enough, they brought us up straight as anything, but it shouldn't be like this.

Primrose

I agree with Mojisola. There is no sense in potentially creating a difficult problem for yourself if you don,t have the financial capabilities to resolve it.
Can you not just tell your mother you're going to a musical festival and leave it at that? Don't create battles you can't win.

Your mother may of course be adopting such an attitude because over time she has already started to suspect something and thinks that her aggressive stance may hopefully change the way you are or perhaps unwittingly behave in certain situations.
D
You could of course try to subtly challenge the way she thinks about certain circumstances and people by asking her if she would look upon somebody more negatively if they had an incurable disease like cancer or MS or suffered from some kind of mental illness. Sometimes having a reasonable debate with somebody and getting them to view the other side of an argument and can force them to realise that perhaps their prejudices are sometimes unreasonable.

A challenging question to your mum such as "Mum, if I'd been born a cripple or mentally challenged in some way do you think you would have not loved me" may take her aback but then she may start wondering why you had asked the question and possibly start questioning whether some of her other prejudices are entirely reasonable.

ThemeOne

Coming out is never compulsory, so don't pressure yourself into it, particularly as you're not independent economically.

Why don't you call Lesbian and Gay Switchboard to talk it over - they're very experienced at talking through the options. http://switchboard.lgbt/

Mojisola

himynameisaaron wrote: »

I can't believe parents still get a kick out of disowning their children based wholly on their sexuality, homophobia in the 21st century is rife.

Fair enough, they brought us up straight as anything, but it shouldn't be like this.

I agree - it shouldn't be like this. I've never understood why anyone should feel upset or threatened by someone else's choice of partner.