Coming Out

Rev

My uncle was always my father figure growing up. He was out and out homophobic.

He even told me and his daughter that if we ever told him we were gay he'd take us to be 'fixed'.


I told him I was gay when I was 19. He didn't bat an eyelid. The next day he apologised and actually cried. He said he was sorry for ever making me think I couldn't tell him.


I knew my mum would be absolutely fine. And she was.


Basically don't take for granted that your mum will react badly. Is she a good mum? Had she always been there for you and taken care of you? If so chances are she will carry on doing just that. Even if she takes a little while to get used to it.


Obviously you know her better than me so please don't think I'm assuming my experience will be everyone's. Just that not everyone who appears homophobic actually is when it comes down to it.

unholyangel

Tbh I don't understand the whole coming out thing and think its potentially harmful to having !!!!!exuality accepted.

When you're hetrosexual, you don't make a special announcement to friends/family letting them know, because its considered "normal". Well !!!!!exuality is normal too (its been around thousands of years, possibly since the dawn of time), so why don't we start acting like it? I agree with whoever said about letting them figure it out on their own.

I can understand OP's predicament though. I knew a family member of mine was gay years before their parents did as they were worried about how they'd take it. The mother was fine with it, the dad not so much - was very horrid to said family member actually. However over a decade later, he has accepted it and has even admitted (after a few drinks) that he knows times are different now and that he likes family members partner and is happy they are happy (it was actually pretty jaw dropping given how horrid he'd been previously).

My view has always been that the only time someones sexual preference should be of consequence to you is if you are interested in them romantically.

PeacefulWaters

My step-daughter struggled telling her mum. Her mum struggled with the news to begin with.

No it's rainbows on every Facebook post.

You'll find the moment to do it. When you do be brave and fear nothing. It'll work out fine.

Mojisola

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

My step-daughter struggled telling her mum. Her mum struggled with the news to begin with.

No it's rainbows on every Facebook post.

You'll find the moment to do it. When you do be brave and fear nothing. It'll work out fine.

Let's hope so - but there's no guarantee of it working out like that.

Lambyr

I'm a bisexual woman. Grew up in a family of fundamentalist religious types who think that Leviticus and St Paul had a lot of good ideas. Not sure how dedicated they are to other 'teachings' in their holy book. They have yet to raise an army to destroy entire towns because such places contained at least one non-believer. Perhaps they'll get around to that eventually? Otherwise, it could almost be suggested that they use religion as a cloak for their own prejudice, but that would be silly.

Anyhoo... having grown up in an environment where words such as "gay" and "lesbian" were never used, and instead more colourful language took their place, being bisexual did seem like a huge problem. For those who don't understand why people come out, I can only really say that being forced, through fear, to withhold part of who you are becomes more mentally draining the longer it goes on.

Sexuality is often a big part of who we are. When the world is heteronormative then there really isn't anything to hide for heterosexuals; no part of your being is likely to cause offence to others. Consequently, your heterosexuality seems less of a big deal. When you fall outside the heteronormative line, however, then things can get messy because cultural, societal and religious-based prejudices still exist in our world. Living a lie is unpleasant, living a lie because you fear the reaction is horrible, and lying to those you care about is worse still. It's a significant emotional burden.

People should accept others, but the sad fact is that not everyone does. Many LGB people understand that there is a risk in them being open out and about. You never know whether the person passing you in the street is prejudiced; if he/she is, you don't know the depths of their hatred. No one thinks anything of a man and a woman holding hands in public - hell, no one even notices - yet if two men hold hands in the street then it's like a big neon sign is hovering above them, alerting every bigot in the vicinity.

There will always be those with the confidence to just be themselves in public; sadly there are still occasionally dire consequences for that. Even in Brighton, our most gay friendly city, a gay couple were recently savagely beaten after a night out. Many of us accept that we can never enjoy our relationships quite as freely as other people. There will always be that uncomfortable hint of danger about it. But when we're forced to hide it from absolutely everyone, including friends and family, we're a shell of a person.

I lived that way for over a decade. Fear stopped me from being who I was. Coming out is a big deal because you're asking people to set aside their prejudices and accept you for who and what you are. It's a situation over which you have no control; you cannot dictate anybody's reaction to them. You can only hope their love for you is greater than their dislike, or indeed, disappointment that you're not heterosexual. It's nervewracking when you finally pluck up the courage.

I only came out to my mother because I am now in a relationship with another woman that is important to me. Having heard nothing but venom unleashed towards LGB people all my life, I've never felt more vulnerable. Fortunately for me, if my mum does hold the views of our wider family she's been willing to set them aside. She doesn't understand what I am, that much is obvious, but she's accepted it.

No one else in the family knows, or will know hopefully, because I don't trust them not to react in a deeply troubling way... so even though I'm 'out', there's still part of my life for the time being that is being ruled by fear. At least the important person knows and one day I'll be able to sever all ties with the rest of my family and never speak to them again anyway.

OP; there is always the risk of consequence. I waited until I had a relationship that was important enough for me to take the risk. Being in a relationship that was important to me perhaps made it slightly more digestable for mother. She could tell that this wasn't sme peculiar flight of fancy, it was something real. Whether that's any help to you, I don't know, but perhaps at least something to consider?

PeacefulWaters

Lambyr wrote: »

I'm a bisexual woman. Grew up in a family of fundamentalist religious types who think that Leviticus and St Paul had a lot of good ideas. Not sure how dedicated they are to other 'teachings' in their holy book. They have yet to raise an army to destroy entire towns because such places contained at least one non-believer. Perhaps they'll get around to that eventually? Otherwise, it could almost be suggested that they use religion as a cloak for their own prejudice, but that would be silly.

Anyhoo... having grown up in an environment where words such as "gay" and "lesbian" were never used, and instead more colourful language took their place, being bisexual did seem like a huge problem. For those who don't understand why people come out, I can only really say that being forced, through fear, to withhold part of who you are becomes more mentally draining the longer it goes on.

Sexuality is often a big part of who we are. When the world is heteronormative then there really isn't anything to hide for heterosexuals; no part of your being is likely to cause offence to others. Consequently, your heterosexuality seems less of a big deal. When you fall outside the heteronormative line, however, then things can get messy because cultural, societal and religious-based prejudices still exist in our world. Living a lie is unpleasant, living a lie because you fear the reaction is horrible, and lying to those you care about is worse still. It's a significant emotional burden.

People should accept others, but the sad fact is that not everyone does. Many LGB people understand that there is a risk in them being open out and about. You never know whether the person passing you in the street is prejudiced; if he/she is, you don't know the depths of their hatred. No one thinks anything of a man and a woman holding hands in public - hell, no one even notices - yet if two men hold hands in the street then it's like a big neon sign is hovering above them, alerting every bigot in the vicinity.

There will always be those with the confidence to just be themselves in public; sadly there are still occasionally dire consequences for that. Even in Brighton, our most gay friendly city, a gay couple were recently savagely beaten after a night out. Many of us accept that we can never enjoy our relationships quite as freely as other people. There will always be that uncomfortable hint of danger about it. But when we're forced to hide it from absolutely everyone, including friends and family, we're a shell of a person.

I lived that way for over a decade. Fear stopped me from being who I was. Coming out is a big deal because you're asking people to set aside their prejudices and accept you for who and what you are. It's a situation over which you have no control; you cannot dictate anybody's reaction to them. You can only hope their love for you is greater than their dislike, or indeed, disappointment that you're not heterosexual. It's nervewracking when you finally pluck up the courage.

I only came out to my mother because I am now in a relationship with another woman that is important to me. Having heard nothing but venom unleashed towards LGB people all my life, I've never felt more vulnerable. Fortunately for me, if my mum does hold the views of our wider family she's been willing to set them aside. She doesn't understand what I am, that much is obvious, but she's accepted it.

No one else in the family knows, or will know hopefully, because I don't trust them not to react in a deeply troubling way... so even though I'm 'out', there's still part of my life for the time being that is being ruled by fear. At least the important person knows and one day I'll be able to sever all ties with the rest of my family and never speak to them again anyway.

OP; there is always the risk of consequence. I waited until I had a relationship that was important enough for me to take the risk. Being in a relationship that was important to me perhaps made it slightly more digestable for mother. She could tell that this wasn't sme peculiar flight of fancy, it was something real. Whether that's any help to you, I don't know, but perhaps at least something to consider?

Beautifully put. Great context.

System

Reading through, you all have me so scared of the consequences.

I'm probably going to end up on the streets.

Angry_Bear

unholyangel wrote: »

My view has always been that the only time someones sexual preference should be of consequence to you is if you are interested in them romantically.

I would argue that even here it isn't really important. Why does it matter if someone doesn't like you romantically because of their sexuality, or just because they don't. And if they DO, then why does it matter if they identify as bisexual, gay, straight or other.

I think as a society we have a bit of a hang-up about labels as we're going through a transition period where more things are becoming socially accepted. Hopefully there will come a day where the label doesn't matter and there are just "people you're attracted to" and "people you aren't".

Mojisola

himynameisaaron wrote: »

Reading through, you all have me so scared of the consequences.

I'm probably going to end up on the streets.

Don't be - keep control of the situation - you don't need to say anything to your mother at the moment, so don't. Do it at a time when any adverse reaction will least affect you.

Your mother may realise already but be operating a "don't ask, don't tell" policy; she might freak out and then realise that you are still the same person that she's always loved and get used to it; she might seem homophobic because she's never knowingly spoken to anyone who is gay and thinks of gays as 'others'; she may not be happy with the fact and be nasty to you - but that is, fortunately, a less common position nowadays.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

You don't have to be gay to attend a Pride event - there's no entrance exam or compulsory certification to stick glitter on your face and have a great time - or to turn up in jeans and a t-shirt and have a great time.


Tell her you are gay when you are confident and ready to, not just because you feel you have to.