Nan in care home not happy

jamels2

Hi all,
My 87 year old nan who has always been independent and lived in her own bungalow for years fell at home and was in hospital for about six weeks.
About a year ago she was still walking ok and getting about but has declined gradually and could not balance very well and would easily fall backwards.
In hospital she was never really taken out of bed and when put in a chair it was painful.
She cannot use her hands properly and needs help eating.
She has now been moved into a home and is just in bed and has a lot of visitors but says she hates the place, the food etc and gets upset and frustrated.
She is angry at my mum and aunt blaming them for putting her in a home which to her is a nightmare.
She was pleading with me to help her when i visited and it made me think as her eldest grandson is there anything i can do?
I have money sat in the bank and still live at the parents.
I know its possible for elderly to live at their families with care coning in but the issue is space as my mum often looks after my 2 yo nephew while sister works full time.
I dont want to see my nan upset and unhappy and im sure she would be happier living with family so is it an option to suggest extending the parents property (could easily be done) with my money so my nan could live here overlookibg the back garden and have carers visit?

boliston

I think a lot depends on how independent the elderly relative is - living with family could work but what happens when they are at work or away from the home on holiday etc? Some people do ultimately need 24 hour care unfortunately.

jamels2

Good point. She obviously needs a lot of care as has the incontinence pads etc, but says if she can get her legs and hands working she'll be ok. She then also seems resigned to the fact she wont get better. Maybe she just needs to adjust and accept her new situation. I think not having distractions such as tv is giving her too much time to think and get upset.

pmlindyloo

I think your starting point should be her doctor to find out if there is any prospect of her being able to walk again and use her hands.

Even if she does not have use of her legs can she not be lifted into a wheelchair and wheeled to the lounge (for example)

Why hasn't she got a television in her room?

Another avenue to explore is to speak to the manager of the home and ask to look at her care plan.

It is a sad fact that in some care homes it is far easier for them if the client is left in bed (makes their life much easier) than getting them up to go to the lounge, meet up with other people and join in with the activities.

Having said that, it does take time to adjust to a care home so everything may improve over time but do look into the above suggestions to see if there are any 'improvements' that can be made.

jamels2

Thanks i will find out what the gp thinks, i dont get told everything im sure by my mum. Tv is going to be fitted within a few days so that should help.

Tolly_T

Could she not have a tv in her room? With headphones if the noise would be a problem to other residents. I'd go nuts if I was stuck in a room with nothing to distract me.

Is it realistic that she could get her legs and hands working? If it is maybe ask for a physio to be brought in, or pay for one privately, and ask for them to show you and your family any exercises that might help towards that. Then, when you visit you could help her with these exercises. Maybe if she felt that she was working towards being more independent again she would cope better.

She says she doesn't like the food. Could you take a meal in that she does like once or twice a week so that she has something to look forward to. Maybe you're already doing this, I'm just trying to think how you might help with the specific things that she says she doesn't like.

What about seeing if she can come out for a break. Even if she just spends a few hours with you at your parents house watching tv with you it might help.

Taking an elderly relative in full time when they need so much care would be difficult so it might be that she does need to adjust to being in a care home. I hope you find a way to make the change easier for her.

boliston

i would probably go nuts WITH a tv in my room lol

Mojisola

jamels2 wrote: »

She cannot use her hands properly and needs help eating.

I have money sat in the bank and still live at the parents.

Is she having any physio to help with her hands?

If not, could you pay for a few sessions to see if it helps?

PasturesNew

It's heart breaking isn't it. Luckily for me, my mum loved hers....

The starting point is to really discover whether she's actually unhappy, or just saying it. When people get dementia they get "ideas in their head" that it's difficult to budge them from. Is there any chance she has any dementia creeping in?

Are her problems real, or imagined?

Is the food good?

Who is paying for her care? If it's the local authority then you get "put where there is a bed". If you're paying then you get to visit them and choose one. We chose mum's... but we were still lucky she liked it.

Is the food the stuff she likes? Can you find out what she doesn't like about it and get it changed? e.g. if at home she only ever cooked curries and they only serve ham salad in the home it's unlikely they'll change the menu .... but it might be simple fixes such as her not liking onions, so you having a word with the Manager to ensure they know this and to see if they can keep an eye out to help her to not choose dishes with onions in.

Sometimes, these elderly people simply sit and say they don't like something - because they don't understand there's a "system" and they just need to speak to somebody to get things changed. They sit and take what they're given; they accept what's done to them. They don't speak out and ask, enquire - which again could be dementia setting in and they lose the ability to realise/say something in situations. e.g. it could break down to "They always put custard on my dessert" .... and you know that the "system" would be to simply speak with the Manager to make sure staff know she doesn't like custard. Custard stops arriving and she's happy ... but could never have worked out that all she had to say was "no custard thank you".

The first home my mum was in, I turned up one day and she was waiting, jacket on, to go home - she pleaded and begged and cried - and I took her home.... because that day, in that home, that was the right thing to do. Having got her into another home, that was the "right one for her" I can see the differences between the two.

Maybe she needs a new 'hobby' .... hard to suggest anything though as everybody's different. Somebody in a bed, unable to use their hands, isn't a great starting point for random suggestions.

Could you look at getting a digital photo frame and work out how to use it so that visitors could upload their own videos/photos to it when they visit and have been somewhere different? So she could have a constant changing display of things to glance at...?

elsien

It may also be that the home is the wrong one for her. How was it chosen and is she self-funding?
Did she choose to go to the care home, or was she deemed to lack capacity to make the decision and it was made for her? If so, is there a power of attorney in place or was a best interest's decision made?
I think talking to the manager is a starting point. If she doesn't like the food, what other options can they provide that she does like, for example?
What are the reasons she is staying in bed? A normal chair can be uncomfortable or unsafe for people who can't support their body weight, but have they considered the possibility of a recliner chair?

Does she want to go to the communal areas for company/activities, or s it a nursing home with a lot of residents with dementia, which can be very difficult for someone who still has their faculties?

There are many factors, and grieving for the life she no longer has is one of them, but you need more information to be able to take things any further.

I can empathise because my grandmother was very unhappy in a bad care home, but in the end she chose to stay as going home wasn't possible and she couldn't face the upheaval of looking elsewhere. Sometimes all you can do is to be there for her, and make sure the home are doing everything they should be.

ETA - if she has just moved there from hospital, is it a step down or discharge to assess bed? This sometimes happens to get people who are medically fit to be discharged out of hospital and to carry out nursing need assessments. If this is the case, or if it is local authority funded there should be a 6 week review to look at long term decisions. This would be the opportunity to help her raise all her concerns and look at other options.
If she is getting CHC funding, they can be very bad at doing this, but either way the option of returning home should still be considered if only to rule it out. Family may need to remind them that a review is good practice.

teddysmum

If you were given no choice over the care home and she is self funding, I would contact the department/person who placed her there and tell them that it is bad for her wellbeing.