£16,000 debt, turning regret into positive action.

Rachel24

Congratulations on getting married! :j

I don't think it's silly of you. You are going to be together and you have cleared your debt (I know still £450 to go) but it's not like you are joining debts and you haven't cleared yours already. I think it's lovely you are helping him on the journey to become debt free

I got married last year and we had a budget of £12,000. It was hard but we done it and it was worth it.

LadyP01

Thank you. We are already finding the budget a bit tough but I like it. It's easy to get carried away on silly things like a premium meal option or too many guests.
We've had both those issues already and some more. At the end of the day why spend money on guests that you hardly know, they can come to the evening. Keep costs low.

LadyP01

Quick budget check.

Personal budget is low I have about £5 for fun left! A steep meal out this week took a big chunk of the money I'd left myself.

I also spent £5 on wedding items out of my money but that's ok for the budget.

I'm cutting myself a little short this month to save for that big outing so I know it's all ok.
Food budget I have £13.40 left out of the £20
S/world i have £40
Petrol I have £70
All in all a good budget 3 weeks till pay day so should all be fine.

To do today... chase up my expenses.
I have spent some time looking at the books and I can see a saving to be had so Iv set aside Sunday and we can crunch those figures together. The oh will be pleased.
We have some money set aside already for the wedding. We don't need this money right now so I think we should look at some of the thing we are paying interest on and see if we can pay it off early to reduce what we pay across the year. The savings we would make in the next 4 months would put us back on track so it makes sense to get the interest gone.

Lots of homework for me over the weekend then.

Also some more digging into Christmas savings to come...

LadyP01

Late night bombshell alert.

I asked a few questions that I didn't expect to get the answers I did and I'm just drained now. This diary really is a life saver for these times. I havnt yelled I havnt cried I havnt hit the roof but it really is never ending.

It would seem the sit downs we had already were only half truths with an intention to hide the rest and sort it without me knowing.
There is an extra £3000 of debt minimum to add. I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now. Lost, surprised, unsurprised if you like. What I'm feeling most of all is sad, sad because I know what It feels like to have so much debt but even sadder that my oh doesn't believe he can clear it.

I need advice. The problem is that when I'm in this situation I'm head strong I know I can get it done no worry's I will read all the advice and tackle it until it's gone so I have no idea how the oh is feeling and how to tackle this so that he feels in control and not like I have just taken everything from him.
It pains him to talk about money. I would say it causes him a lot of distress to even talk about the simplist of budgets. He wants to hide from it all and act like it isn't there. If any of you are the same way with money please give me some advice about what works for you. I don't want to patronise, I don't want to push him away. I just want to help, we are a team and it's our problem not just his.

I'll be patiently waiting for some tips from you all to take our next step.

Forever the debt rollercoaster 🎢

GlendaSugarbean

This is so hard. But it is a very good thing you know about this before you get married.

I'm sorry but he has to get his head around this and commit to sorting it out himself. If you are doing all the work, you're being his carer not his partner. If he thinks he can trundle along with minimal change he will - but it leaves you with all the heavy lifting. For all the time you are married. You both need to sort this out now.

Reading through your diary, I was concerned that it was you setting the budgets and making the plans, while he was carrying on doing what he always has. So what are your options?

- you work out a plan together - but he needs to take equal responsibility. No more propping up his spending with your savings.

- you do your debt and he does his. If he can't commit to a joint plan 100% you are just throwing money at him while he spends it. You will end up frustrated and angry. This way you can build up savings while you wait for him to have his LBM. But for goodness sake don't take out a joint mortgage.

- you have a pause while you sort this out - wedding plans on hold until you can both commit. Having different financial priorities is really, REALLY hard on a marriage (been there, got the t-shirt, novelty sunglasses and funny beer mug).

Sorry if this seems harsh, but you do not want to be dealing with this when you have a mortgage and a family. You have done so well, I hate to see that progress being sunk into someone else's pot of denial.

LadyP01

Thank you Glenda, as they days have gone on it's been eating away at me. Your advice wa actually really helpful to remind me to be just a little bit selfish. I didn't rack this debt up. Iv been paying my debt off and working towards our future and he hasn't!!!! So I decided that your right and that I would pay my remaining debt off with the money I have that I was going to sort his out with.

We have spent hours today sorting everything out. I'm so hurt about all the secrets but I hope it is all out there... don't think I could take another blow. I frankly said are we doing this together or do I just leave your with your debt and be done with it? He is keen to get sorted even either tantrums. His concern is that in years to come he will want something and I'd be there telling him we can't afford it. I said that I hope in years to come you will be able to see yourself if we can afford it or not without my Input.

I am willing to spend half the money I was going to from the wedding bits to rid some of his debts but not all that I was thinking we could. Simply if I do half he has to put that money back into the wedding fund and some where as I'll have my half of the money and I can continue to build on that and I will go up to 50% of the overall wedding until he catches me up.
Again I was thinking about what you said, Iv worked hard so he needs to work that bit harder to catch up.

One of the loans he has is 99.9% apr!!!! I nearly fell of my chair. I actually asked him to check the figure 3 times for me! That is getting paid and gone I cannot be paying that kind of interest for another two years that's for sure.
We're in a sticky situation atm where he hasn't been able to pay out right for anything there are lots of monthly payments like tax, insurance etc so not only are we paying that bill but we are putting money aside so we can pay outright when it comes. Iv already done the checking and we will see a saving across the year doing this so it's worth the pain right now.

In terms of pulling his weight: he isn't a numbers guy like I am but he's been thinking of things to sell. I have asked him to consider selling some big hitters in our life and he has said he will do so. He is also selling everything for us and doing all the postage etc which is one thing off my mind.
We have also looked at what we don't need in terms of weddings, to many hen and stag plans so we have agreed that it's not necessary we will just have one do rather than multiple like we had planned. He has also been thinking about some other ideas today. There all kind of basic ideas we all start to think about at the beginning of or journey so you all know them already but the cog are turning and I'm hoping these ideas will develop into more savings.

Overall I could sleep for a decade now l. Maybe I'll post some of our expenses once everything is wrapped up.

Maybe I'll change this thread lame to last chance saloon as this is what I feel we are on now

Thistlewhistle

LadyPO1,


I've only just stumbled across your diary and I'm totally gutted for you and what has just happened to you in the last few days. you must be so devastated. I'm really new to this forum but wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you and wishing you well, even though I'm not able to offer any practical helpful advice.


Thistle

GlendaSugarbean

I'm sorry you've had a tough weekend. I was worried that I'd been too blunt and you would be hurt, which was not my intention. You have the facts now, and you have a plan which sounds like a reasonable compromise between supporting him and looking after yourself.

I just wanted to add that it's OK to be angry. But I think you are handling all of this really, really well.

Rachel24

So sorry to hear you're going through all this lady. You are right you have worked hard to pay off your debts and now it's his turn to work hard. He needs to put in the effort and not leave it all to you.
I'm glad you've cleared your remaining debt now so you are debt free.
I hope you can work tings out. Only thing i can sympathise with is that I originally didn't tell my husband my full debt situation. He thought I had £2000 worth and I was too ashamed to tell him it was more so I kept it a secret. I finally confessed and he was upset but he is now helping me through it.

LadyP01

Thanks guys your support means a lot. I don't want to tell friends and family as I don't want them judging him or worrying about me or us. He can tell them if he feels ready. I understand the feeling of the shame etc Iv been there and I try and sympathise as much as I can but when your sat there looking st the figures and they are just like oooo it'll get paid off eventually let's live for now you just want to scream.

It's been a tough day and your advice has helped me to seperatly things a bit more. Before I was going to throw all our money at the debt and then the wedding and so on but now I will split his money between debt and wedding and put mine in the wedding up to 50% the tell him the other 50% is his to fill and so on.

The thing that I'm angry about and this is the only thing that makes me so mad. Last year he said he was in debt and I added it all up and it's was £11,000 we go through everything the other week and he's paid loads off and cancelled his card etc and now he comes to me with this new debt and I add it all back up and it's now £12,000. In a year I have paid off £12,000 and he has increased his debt by £1000. That really is what makes me so angry.

I just have to juggle the bit between stopping him having fun and letting things spiral into debt. It's tough to see where the line is sometimes.

I am very happy about my decision to clear my debt though as we put it on the back burner, I'll be making the actually payment tomorrow but that is very exciting for me. I do still have the car but that's life's burden, it can be my next step while he clears his debts.

Welcome thistle, I remember when I was new, I had actually spent a few months watching everyone before I became a member but it's a great place for likeminded advice and support. When I'm feeling down or need motivating I read other peoples diary's and it reminds me we can do this!