spendthrift husb - dunno what 2 do - ideas ?

BartGirl

He wont do childcare. We're from africa and unfort'ly thats one of the 'great' traits of our men..not all - but most. He's never looked after baby even for 1 day since baby born. Apart from the odd day my childcarer cant do it.
The one time i suggested he be a SAHD he hit the roof literally - cos if i was working fulltime i'd bring in slightly over £2k after tax.He accused me of trying to rob his masculinity etc.He calls me a bad mum for opting to work when i should be at home with child...

So you're right - i do need a secret 'escape' fund which i guess begins with me starting to sort out the debt first. Yes there is emotional abuse but i'm used to that now have learnt to block that out.

The thing is that i know i'll financially be worse off to start off with,cos i dunno where the extra £400 rent money'll come from,but i also contacted the DSS people and they told me on my income i wouldnt be entitled to any HB or CTB so thats that...

Anyone in a similar position - or been here who can advise ? Thanks

Emmzi

have a look at entitledto.com and check tax credits?

tsstss7

yes you are right you probably wouldn't get HB or council tax paid but I recently had a job (full time though!) paying about what you are on and I got around 100/wk combined child and working tax credits and 80% towards childcare costs so you wouldn't be just surviving on your wage alone.

Also any child maintenance you receive will be on top of that as they do not count it as income for purposes of tax credits (although perversly HB do!)

the above post is right though check out

www.entitledto.com and plug in a few senarios to see how it would work for you.

x.

tallyhoh

BartGirl wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice, the only issue I have now is that you've come up with really good ideas except that Yes I havent been assertive cos he has a tendency to 'fly off the handle' when i bring up practical money issues. I've put that politely. And I tend to try to keep the peace cos i cant stand the shouting and rowing infront of baby etc.
He'll never hand over any cash to me - he never has..why would he start now? But I agree that any overspend on CC's or bills is the way I have to go - cos I'd never thought of that before. I've got monthly payment schemes with the CCs and never miss a payment. Thank God.
I wouldnt go the joint acc route though - cos I know he'd just help himself - he's done it before when i used to let him have my card 'for emergencies'..also the fact that longterm I'm not planning to be here for much longer..so the less our finances are entangled-the better..

You really need to sort this out now, especially before the child gets any older. I have put up with exactly the same treatment off my OH for 22 years.
Believe me- if you dont put your foot now & sort it out-- it gets worse because they think that if you have put up with it for a while it must be OK & normal.
Let him "fly off the handle" & then tell him again when he's calmed down. If you dont keep on he will think you have just had a go cus your in a bad mood or something. Sit down with him & go through the expenses penny by penny & ask him why he thinks its reasonable that you should have to keep him, cus that is exactly what you are doing right now.
I had to ask my OH to leave to try & make him see sense. It scared him to death when I found him a flat & then wrote down all the expenses he needed to fork out to live.
He's back with me now but still thinks he's doing me a big favour by giving me money.

Good Luck

mae

Sorry if this has already been posted but I would suggest going over to the Debt Free Board and posting your SOA (statement of affairs) they will give you advise on paying your debts and reducing your household bills.

Good luck with everything.

minimoneysaver

I was in your position. I should be grateful if he paid for a cup of coffee, but I have to find the money for food, nappies, rent, bills etc! I was lucky enough to have family to help set me up with a new place for me and my baby. I now work full time and get child and working tax credits to pay for 80% of nursery fees and more! They are a godsend. There is no way to make ends meet without them. Do what is best for you, but remember you can never change someone to be who you want them to be.

conradmum

BartGirl wrote: »

i also contacted the DSS people and they told me on my income i wouldnt be entitled to any HB or CTB so thats that...

Anyone in a similar position - or been here who can advise ? Thanks

I don't think this is right. If you were single you would pay less council tax - at least that's how it used to be, and you would definitely get Child Tax Benefit as long as you're working over 16 hours a week.

mae

I was just thinking if all he gives is £400 for the rent then that is all you would need to cover to be in the same financial situation as you are with him is that right? Well how much maintenance would you get from him? You would also get a reduced rate for single council tax and would you not be entitled to more tax credits also with being on your own.

I know its easy to say but it sounds like you would be able to get the £400 per month together. I suppose though you will need to have some money behind you for deposits and moving costs so I definately would get over the Debt Free Wannabe thread as I mentioned earlier for more help.

BartGirl

Thanks guys for all your help and advice..

We're in a council flat thats in my name so he'd be the 1 leaving-not me.
He doesnt give me anything towards baby's upkeep now so i dont expect that he would once we're apart..why would he ?

Yes you're right about my CT rate being reduced once he's outta the picture. I know its going to be an issue with the tax credits though - cos i already receive a reduced amount anyway since i'm paying them back what I owe them due to what they say are 'overpayments' etc

Minimoneysaver - you are right. I cant change someone - altho he's expecting me to be the 1 to change. Doesnt like the way I dress, company I keep, food i cook etc. Reckons he turned a blind eye when we were first together but cant stand it any longer.
He also on at me to get preg again so that i can get Mat Leave payments,be home with current baby and therefore less childcare costs -says i should claim as a sinlge person,so get bigger council place, plus then he's suggested i not return to work so that we can get benefits and live off that.
Think I'll go to the other forum as suggested and try to get myself sorted either way..

liney

This Child Support Agency (CSA) would ask him for 15% of his net wages for one child, and take it out of his wages directly with his employers if he refuses to pay. Of course there are some 'men' who leave jobs and make themselves unemployed/work cash in hand to avoid paying but i am assurred these are the minority.

Your council tax would be reduced by 25% if you are the only adult living in the property, and you should be able to claim Tax Credits to help with child care in addition to basic child tax credit of approx £10 per week, and Child Benefit of £17 of week.

Entitledto.com will give you a very good idea of what you could claim if you were a single parent. If your circumstances change i am sure you could make arrangments to reduce the repayments to cover the overpayments; i would call them when your husband is out and ask the qustion.

Best of luck. xx