Cherry takes the reins

Cherryfudge

I've been at home all day today and have just about finished the 'profiler' that's supposed to be telling me about reasonable adjustments. I will have another look at it from the distance of a couple of days but I'm feeling disappointed right now. Most of the things suggested are ideas I could have come up with myself. In fact, most aren't news because I already knew them. To be fair, there are some useful looking links for students, but I'm not a student.

As I struggle with change - which I understand is a fairly common autistic trait - I was hoping for some good insights into how to manage it but the only really autism-friendly one I noticed in that section was advising that I tell colleagues I find change difficult. On a deeper level, though, that depends on people understanding how that affects me, and how can they when it's a nuanced thing and I myself need to reflect before I can describe how it applies to any given situation?

I was really quite insulted to get standard time management advice instead of anything fresh. I know that stuff: I've mastered getting ready the night before, diarising, etc. Those cut out some of the peripheral stressors but don't deal with the feeling of dragging something heavy that comes with changes, sometimes even tiny changes like getting dressed in the morning, which heralds all the changes of the day. I can see that behavioural modification can get people from a to b, but once I'd acquired those skills, they didn't tackle the way it makes me feel. And I really don't think I'm depressed: I've been there and it didn't look like this.

So... I'm feeling a bit let down about it. I feel as if the coping mechanisms I've battled to develop and maintain all my life are hiding what a long, hard slog it can be.

Anyway, I also know that if I give time for the dust to settle, I will be able to go back and have another read through and see if there's anything to take away.

Other than that, I've got the bedding back on the spare bed and DH has let me know the agenda for Auntie's visit. She rang up at tea time to know what time he's arriving (she gets stressed about things like that) and it turns out she is expecting him a day earlier than we thought. He's said he will go after work on Wednesday. I am out to tea both Tuesday and Wednesday with people from church and he is bringing Auntie back on Saturday, so there are two days for me to make myself odd meals to use up random freezer stuff!  

I also spent some time trying to get a returns form completed for a card wallet I'd ordered which arrived broken. It was supposed to help me keep gift vouchers together. I told DH I was stressing as I feel guilty that some might go out of date but I've really no idea what to spend them on (I suppose I could just Ebay them). He suggested I get him a birthday present using the book tokens, and use the equivalent cash on something for myself if I want to. That works well for both of us as I'd be getting something for his birthday anyway, it just means I don't need to spend cash and the vouchers don't go out of date. So he went out and chose a book, and it's put away till October.

How I deal with the other vouchers, I don't know.

I've not been to the shops at all today but tomorrow, as DGD is away on holiday, we are treating ourselves to a day out.

Floss

I think it's a good idea to review the profiler in a couple of days - while it may not produce any new strategies, you might feel differently about it.

Could you use the gift cards to buy Christmas gifts, or for future birthdays?

WelshmansDaughter

It sounds more like demand avoidance than depression Cherry.
It's a terrible label which only really describes the observed behavior rather than interprets it. 
For me it is a horrible strain: I can see what needs to be done (and indeed may long to do it) but absolutely cannot. Like a giant hand is holding me down. 
Task inhibition is how I think of it. 

Re the vouchers, could you let us know what they are and we may have suggestions? 
Or if you genuinely have nothing to buy with them, perhaps donate them to someone who could use a treat? 

Cherryfudge

Floss said:

I think it's a good idea to review the profiler in a couple of days - while it may not produce any new strategies, you might feel differently about it.

Could you use the gift cards to buy Christmas gifts, or for future birthdays?

I'm hoping that a couple of days will allow emotions to settle, because having prepared the ground, so to speak, I will take it in better on the next overview.

I think some of the gift cards would be good for buying gifts, thanks. There's a Body Shop one which was a lovely thought but I'm still wading my way through the perennial backlog of toiletries. I've made lots of progress with that, to the point where I now allow myself to buy handbag-sized hand creams at car boots sales, but there are still full-sized scented hand creams, shower gels etc to get through. On the other hand, Body Shop is nice for gifts. Garden Centre vouchers are more tricky to use up as I need to clear space before I can plant anything else. Perhaps I could use one to buy greetings cards, which seem to be compulsory at garden centres now!

Cherryfudge

WelshmansDaughter said:

It sounds more like demand avoidance than depression Cherry.
It's a terrible label which only really describes the observed behavior rather than interprets it. 
For me it is a horrible strain: I can see what needs to be done (and indeed may long to do it) but absolutely cannot. Like a giant hand is holding me down. 
Task inhibition is how I think of it. 

Re the vouchers, could you let us know what they are and we may have suggestions? 
Or if you genuinely have nothing to buy with them, perhaps donate them to someone who could use a treat? 

Thank you for that, it's a valuable insight. I can see demand avoidance in myself so it makes sense if it's constantly there in the background. I see it as a reaction to change. Why do people/society keep wanting me to do things I don't want to be doing?! Why does society have to value things like going away from home or going to social activities when the sane and comfortable thing is obviously to stay at home with a good book, or some baking or a sunny day in the garden?  

Vouchers: lots of garden centre vouchers, also H&M, Body Shop. The book tokens are now in DH's hands. There is also a Boots one which I think is nearly used up, and some restaurant ones which I'm as sure as I can be are out of date. Oh, and a costa one somewhere, I can spend that with no trouble!  

Floss

Cherryfudge said:

Vouchers: lots of garden centre vouchers, also H&M, Body Shop. The book tokens are now in DH's hands. There is also a Boots one which I think is nearly used up, and some restaurant ones which I'm as sure as I can be are out of date. 

If the garden centre ones are National Garden gift vouchers, they usually have 30 months "life" on them, which should give you scope for using them, maybe on new tools, bulbs for next spring, or even Christmas stuff?

Body Shop is good for Christmas presents and H&M have some nice home stuff online 😉

Some restaurants may swap expired vouchers for new ones too.

Cherryfudge

Floss said:

If the garden centre ones are National Garden gift vouchers, they usually have 30 months "life" on them. Body Shop is good for Christmas presents and H&M have some nice home stuff online 😉

Some restaurants may swap expired vouchers for new ones too.

It occurred to me to ask if garden centres would let me buy replacement vouchers with the old ones, thus giving me longer to spend them! I think it's unlikely, but worth asking.

I haven't seen the H&M home stuff, I think I might be browsing over the next few days!

I never knew that about restaurants swapping vouchers, I need to investigate. We don't have many big chains round here but it would be useful if I could have some to use when we're away in the middle of summer.

Cherryfudge

Today we were supposed to be having a day out to some gardens about an hour's drive away but when we got there, the café was closed. It was out in the middle of the countryside where there wasn't much choice so we drove to the nearest town which isn't an area we knew well. We looked at one or two eateries and ended up with a great meal in a Ghanaian café before deciding to have a look round the town. We found lots of interesting stuff: up-market antiques, second hand booksellers and charity shops, a castle and a riverside walk. DH bought a couple of books and I bought one, then we went back to the café for scones and a drink. I had the spiciest ever ginger on ice which took me a while to get through.

I fell asleep in the car on the way home but we both enjoyed our day, though we never went to see the gardens we'd set out to visit.

Eating out was the main expense (£46.60, from memory) and my book was £1. I don't know what DH spent.

This evening DH was packing to go to Auntie's for a few days and I had pizza with my friends, followed by our usual discussion. Meeting earlier for pizza and finishing earlier has saved our group. We aren't nearly so tired and we get chatting time built in as well as being fed ready to do our study/discussion.

Cherryfudge

DH is working today, has a phone consultation with his consultant this afternoon then is going over to Auntie's for a few days. He will be telling the consultant that the latest medication is making him unwell (he even took a Covid test this morning because that's how he felt, but it came back clear). At least there is still the medication he's had for years, which he can continue taking. They wanted to wean him off it because there is some increased risk of cancer, but it's not a high risk and the stress of continual flu-like symptoms with the other drug is also a risk.

Anyway, I have Wednesday/Thursday/Friday mostly to myself. I won't count Saturday morning as DH and Auntie could be here by eleven, which just about gives me time to get my head together!

I need a plan for the next few days:
book a table for group meal in a couple of weeks
Get shopping including refills
Order hose (on Thursday so I can avoid doubling up on a journey)
Get cash out 
Sort through the fridge : I have basic lunches planned but I need to sort out evening meals for two days and check there's nothing needed for guest meals.
Wash cushion covers
Mark step edges in the garden as Auntie's sight isn't good
Tie back plants next to the path
Fight the irises that are getting in the way of the big step!

Work through the house getting rooms guest-ready:
Kitchen
Hall/stairs/landing
lounge
dining room
bathroom
guest bedroom

I'm sure there is more, I will probably add to these.

Cherryfudge

I've made a start: retrieved the recycling bins, tied back some of the plants and swept the path, done one main load of laundry and hand-washed three separate sets of cushion covers and am having a coffee break half way through sorting the fridge.

Still a lot to do but I'll collate the shopping lists soon and get out to the shops. Some of the shopping can wait till tomorrow if necessary.