Gambling/overspending husband

clint_S

Get him to self-exclude. You can do this for a period between 6 months and 6 years.


http://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-advice/what-can-you-do/self-exclusion
http://optintoselfexclude.info/index.php/home/


These are now mainly national systems, i.e. if you self exclude in one casino all the other UK casinos will not allow entry and all betting providers must offer the option to self exclude.


It might not be the solution but it is a lot easier to solve the issue when the temptation is removed.

Primrose

I really feel for you. I think once would have been enough for me.
Disconnect yourself with immediate effect from any joint financial undertakings and if you have a joint bank account speak to your bank and advise them that you want the account regarded as being in dispute. open a new bank account in your name only.
Unless he is prepared to cut up all his credit cards, seek serious help and stop gambling there is little you can do.

Lambyr

I have a friend who developed a gambling problem and the outcome was as catastrophic as what you describe in your OP. Massive debts, lies, and dare I say, worse. Cost them their relationship, their job and significantly impacted their life.

They did finally admit they had a problem and sought help for it. To the best of my knowledge, a handful of slips aside, they're on the right track again now. I think the fact they no longer live with their child hurts them and serves as a reminder of what all of this has cost them. Hopefully, it's a reminder that will stick.

So yes, a leopard can change its spots in this instance. Someone with a gambling problem can beat it - but they have to realise how destructive what they're doing is and want to put a stop to it. If you want to stick with him through this, then you're going to have to take control of all finances and I dare say that may build resentment from him. It's a difficult one, but if you try and stick it through, I think you'll have to prepare for some very tough months to come.

On a personal note, I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. At my lowest points, I used to overspend - not on gambling, but just general stuff. It's ridiculously easy to get credit even on a low income. It is safe to say I was pretty stupid and racking up debt only really made me feel more depressed in the long term. I have managed to turn that around now. Things are tight, but they're improving slowly. I've even put a spreadsheet together detailing my finances day by day until the end of the year, so I can see how one single expenditure would affect everything else for the rest of the year. Everything is budgeted for - bills, shopping, subscriptions (Netflix, etc.) and everything else.

I'm finding that's helping a lot to keep me away from spending on things I shouldn't, while also giving me targets for when I might be able to buy something I want. It certainly makes me think through whether I actually *need* a particular thing. Perhaps, if you stick with him, such a thing might be useful for the two of you? Being able to put in £25 today and seeing that it would make things too tight three weeks from now really helps maintain a sense of perspective.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

Two issues:

The Debts. You need to have a proper sit-down and look at how you can pay back the existing ones. This might involve going on an organised repayment plan and will certainly mean changes in your lifestyle. The Debt Free board has lots of excellent advice and helpful posters.

The Gambling. Only your husband can end this, and he has to want to do so pretty badly. Addictions distort personalities and turn people into charming liars and deceitful manipulators. Bluntly, you are going to have to ask yourself whether you can ever trust him again.

Marvel1

I think they can change their spots, otherwise what is the point of AA and GA meetings. They must want it though.

pearl123

Is he paying anything towards paying of his debt?

frankfish

GA does work, but he has to want to stop, do not give him any more financial help. It was only when the mony dried up that I had to deal with my addiction, luckily my partner stood by me and with the help of GA I have been in recovery for 9 years

Fireflyaway

Don't take on his debts. He needs to feel the pain of what he has done. Without consequences there isn't so much desire to change. Gambling is a mental illness of sorts and he needs to want to change and probably get help too.
In the immediate term ensure your money is separate. Make sure you can pay the bills and he can't access your money.
How willing are you to support him? I know I would feel gutted but I wouldn't have kicked out my husband, he needs help. Do you know of any underlying issues ? A lot of the time there is something else going on.
All I can say is set boundaries and agree on consequences but keep your money separate. Do you share a mortgage? Might want to ensure you do whatever you need to keep that safe. I have heard of people borrowing against the family home by forging signatures.

paddy's_mum

I think you have to understand that much of the damage done by debt is the hundreds of lies (often of omission) told to conceal what's going on, the months and years of deceit, the utter selfishness of dragging someone you claim to love into the abyss with you...

It has been my experience that it is those corrosive aspects of debt that irrevocably damage a relationship and once trust has gone, there is little left upon which to build any kind of friendship/marriage.

I'm sorry for your unhappiness and genuinely wish you well but you must protect yourself from a disaster that your husband has twice proved beyond doubt that he's quite content to bring down upon your innocent head.

It happened to me twice too and in the end, although we remain best friends, I couldn't survive the unrelenting stress of never knowing what financial explosion was going to happen next or who was knocking on the door with a warrant. Good luck.

balletshoes

Meo wrote: »

This all feels a bit desperate but I really need some help or advise please. I've been with me husband for 5 years and only married since November but things really aren't going well financially. Basically I took all his debts on board to the amount of £13000 as I have good credit and so I moved his debts to my zero percent cards. I've been struggling with this and it's really been getting me down being in debt but I love him so I carried on. This weekend however I discover he's got himself in the same debt again. Nothing to show for it. He's been gambling and spending on credit cards. I can't express how hurt I am and I just don't know what to do. I've kicked him out and he's contacted step change for a dmp.
Does a leopard ever change his spots?
Anyone out there with a gambling or shopping problem that's controlled it? Any advise?

yes they can - however, their actions need to speak for them. Words are not enough. So he will have to prove to you by his actions that he can change, not by just saying the right things.