Gambling/overspending husband

Meo

This all feels a bit desperate but I really need some help or advise please. I've been with me husband for 5 years and only married since November but things really aren't going well financially. Basically I took all his debts on board to the amount of £13000 as I have good credit and so I moved his debts to my zero percent cards. I've been struggling with this and it's really been getting me down being in debt but I love him so I carried on. This weekend however I discover he's got himself in the same debt again. Nothing to show for it. He's been gambling and spending on credit cards. I can't express how hurt I am and I just don't know what to do. I've kicked him out and he's contacted step change for a dmp. Does a leopard ever change his spots? Anyone out there with a gambling or shopping problem that's controlled it? Any advise?

annandale

He has to want help. I think you'd be looking at professional help such as gamblers anonymous. But that's down to him. He has to want to change.

Ames

There used to be a gambler's support thread on Debt Free Wannabe. I don't know if it's still there as I haven't needed it for years.

My ex was a gambler, I got rid of him in the end. A particular low point was having to steal toilet roll from a public loo because he'd gambled everything and we couldn't afford to buy any.

He ended up with a criminal record after stealing from his employer.

It's an addiction, and while I'm sure some people do get over it, just like you get people who get clean after being on heroin, I doubt it's the majority.

pearl123

Meo wrote: »

This all feels a bit desperate but I really need some help or advise please. I've been with me husband for 5 years and only married since November but things really aren't going well financially. Basically I took all his debts on board to the amount of £13000 as I have good credit and so I moved his debts to my zero percent cards. I've been struggling with this and it's really been getting me down being in debt but I love him so I carried on. This weekend however I discover he's got himself in the same debt again. Nothing to show for it. He's been gambling and spending on credit cards. I can't express how hurt I am and I just don't know what to do. I've kicked him out and he's contacted step change for a dmp. Does a leopard ever change his spots? Anyone out there with a gambling or shopping problem that's controlled it? Any advise?

I strongly suggest you don't add any more of his debt into your name. Gambling like other addictions can be conquered.
I feel sorry for you as clearly you've been very kind in taking on his debt.

pearl123

Whatever, you do don't have a shared bank account.

System

I'm not sure of its possible to give his debt back so to speak but he needs to take responsibility for his actions. You've bailed him out and he;s not learnt his lesson he;s just done the same all over again. Personally i wouldnt have taken on the debt in the first pkace, but you have and unless that can be given back to him theres not much you can do BUT you can not take on any more of his debt. If it gives him a bad crwdit rating then so be it, he;s made his bed he should lie in it.

I have debts mainly due t manic spending sprees because of my bipolr BUT it is my debt. And my responsibility to pay off. I want to move in with the bf but i can;t till this debt is repayed. I understand that if i dont pay it off i'm going to be stuck in a !!!!!! situation for much longer but thats not my bf's problem its mine. I got into this mess. I have to get out of it. Same goes for your partner.

PeacefulWaters

If he won't address it NOW end it. Or prepare for a lifetime of sadness.

FBaby

What a horrible situation, I really feel for you. Yes, a leopard can change their spots, but they most likely don't. I expect the issue here is that by you taking on the debt, it gave him a sense that the problem was sorted and that he was in control and he thought he could do a bit of gambling/shopping again before it got out of control again.

You say you love him very much so are you prepared to work something out? If so, the only option to start with is very much to treat him like a kid until at least both debts are paid. Take all his credit cards, get his salary paid into your account, pay all the bills and only give him pocket money. It's not great to get to that level and not a long term solution as he will need to learn to control his spending through will rather than lack of choice, but at the moment, it's the only way to ensure the debt is paid.

Pollycat

You say he's contacted Step change about the debt but has he contacted anyone about his gambling addiction?

Did his £13k previous debt come about as a result of gambling?

If it did and he's done it again, I think he's one leopard that I wouldn't put money on that he'll change his spots.

thorsoak

Do not enable him by taking on more of his debt- although he will promise that this is definitely the last time, it won't be. It is his responsibility and if he will not seek - and accept - help from those who can help him, then, in your shoes, I would consider walking away. However much you love him, you will not be able to help him, and heartbreak will occur.

paddy's_mum

No children, please, until the whole situation is resolved or you will be effectively trapped with a timebomb strapped around your middle - and an innocent child along with you.