Wedding/dealing with mother

Ames

Justme111 I think you're being unfair to Jen. I think she's spot on about the responses she'd have got, and it does help enormously when all the information is in the first post instead of drip fed in response to questions.

And the post about her sisters asked Jen how her sisters coped with their mum during their wedding planning, not suggesting that Jen asked them for advice on how to deal with their mum. Which was fine - and Jen gave a thorough answer which helped people understand.

There's a reason this board is nicknamed hysterical harpies, and why it attracts so many trolls.

GlasweJen

justme111 wrote: »

GlasweJen wrote: »

If I'd written that mum wants something for the wedding that I can't afford I would have been given advice along the lines of "do you really need this extra thing? I've been to a thousand weddings with a sweet cart/photo booth/clown/magician... and didn't like it/thought it was a cute extra.. tell your mum you don't want this extra thing or cut back on costs like your cake (the famous buy an M&S cake and decorate it yourself advice) to please your mum as she'll know what's best going to please your family.

Yes but the these option do not change whether readers know the numbers or not.

It also gave background, someone asked "why don't you get your sisters advice" and my response was "my sisters didn't have this problem". Now if I hadn't written about the disparity of money I would have answers like "well if your sisters afforded it you're just not being MSE enough and you've spent too much money where it doesn't matter. Your mum is right to be upset as your sisters accommodated all her guests without struggle or complaint, cut out your extras and do right by your mother".

No background was needed for a question of why you don't ask the sister for advice as surely her advice would be related to YOUR circumstances, you do not have to be in the same circumstances with sisters to ask them for advice.


You responding to something I have not written. I did not write "pretend your childhood was sunshine and roses to make her feel better". I did not mean it either. I both meant and written to stop hating her for it for both of you to feel better.
Good luck with your wedding, once it is going I am sure you will enjoy it, I said all I could in this thread.

And you're pulling things out the sky, I don't hate her. I've not said anywhere that I hate her. At the moment I really don't like her but that's not the same as hating someone. I do everything I'm supposed to do like visiting every week, keep newspaper clippings of the things she's interested in, collect stamps, glasses and whatever else her church is collecting for this week. I don't love her the same as I love my siblings (including the brother she tried to send away and block me from seeing) but there is something there.

If I hated her it would make all this so much easier

Loz01

I would text or FB the cousins and say "I don't know what my Mum has said but as you did NOT reply or RSVP to our invitations a year ago, the plans have been finalised and there is no room for anyone extra, we have paid the full amount and it cannot be changed."

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

1. Don't fret about her dress cost being lower. As she's not got the money to buy a fancy one, she's not bought one and probably doesn't like the idea of being seen in something less posh (which is why she's whingeing about it). Oh well, never mind, it's what happens with a drop in income.

2. If she's managed to screw up her marriage, that's her problem. And it's most likely a good thing that the inevitable messiness that is going to ensue when divorce petitions start appearing is going to happen after your wedding, rather than during the run up (ie, no 'you can't invite HIM!').

3. If there's no more money, there's no more money. Shrug your shoulders, it's a shame, but whilst it would have been lovely to have an all bells and whistles wedding, it can't happen. And extra expenses like more guests can't be covered when all the money's gone.

4. Trying to be as fair to her as I can, childbirth during a messy divorce could have completely messed with her head, whether through post natal depression, that your biological father wanted a child and persuaded her, then dumped her at the last minute, or just that she couldn't cope, especially when you were, through no fault of your own, different to your siblings, possibly needing more care than she was able to give. Some people just don't have it in them to cope if things aren't perfect, such as having kids of a different sex, kids on the ASD spectrum, being ill, if their preconceived idea of how life should be has failed to materialise. I've known plenty of people who have admitted that they were overjoyed with having only boys/only girls because they just didn't want a baby of the other sex. I'm sure they wouldn't have admitted it had they actually had the other sex, but enough who were lucky enough to have what they wanted have said it for me to think that there must be an awful lot of kids out there who started life disappointing their parents.

In conjunction with this (I apologise profusely if I'm wrong), but I think you might have said before that you are on the ASD spectrum? Some people really find it hard to understand or warm to the personalities of those who are - whilst I absolutely love working with the kids at school, I know colleagues find them very challenging and I'll be asked my opinion on behaviour/situations because they know I've got a great relationship with - and a rather high tolerance level for - a lot of the kids who fulfil the diagnostic criteria. Maybe your mother is one of those people who struggle to relate to people who work in a different way? Or it's simply that, whilst you are genetically related, your personalities are just too different to make getting along easy?

Whatever the causes, it's just how things are. It would be great if it could change, that she didn't do things that caused hurt, but she has, and your OH has dropped you right in it from not understanding the ongoing issues, but we can't go back in time. It's a far more useful expenditure of your time and energy to deal with the things you can change.

5. When it comes down to it, you are going to be marrying the man you love. Somebody I think I remember you were agonising about telling how you felt prior to your surgery. But you did it, and now you are going to be married. You've got a future to look forward to with him and The Wedding is, after all, one day of that future. It doesn't matter if she turns up in sackcloth and ashes with a traffic cone on her head, the cousins stand wailing and keening outside the venue because they aren't getting fed, whether your uncle gets a bit bored sat with people your mother won't want to spend time around, or whether your sisters married people wearing Armani and they arrived at their receptions in a diamond encrusted helicopter. That's their weddings. Your wedding day is the day you and your fiance make your vows to one another, the day you both celebrate being in love - nobody else matters.



This reminds me that I'd better get on with looking seriously for the rest of my outfit for my wedding. I've already spent fifty of my hundred quid budget on the dress itself - I've got to get undies, shoes, handbag and a vintage style birdcage veil out of the rest. Best get myself down to the charity shops for the last three categories, I suppose. That way we might have a fighting chance of actually being able to pay the Registry Office's fee and making a cake. Oh God, and I'll have to get my hair and nails done at some point. That's another fifty quid. Expensive business, these weddings, aren't they?

Artytarty

http://onefabday.com/uk/diy-birdcage-veil/
I hope Glaswejen will excuse me, but have you thought of making your own veil,Jojo? It's super simple. Juts god to know incase you can't find what you want in the charity shops.

The very best to you Glaswejen, I hope your day goes as smoothly as possible, lets face it most wedding days have a few "moments" !

lincroft1710

Aren't there times when you just envy orphans?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Artytarty wrote: »

http://onefabday.com/uk/diy-birdcage-veil/
I hope Glaswejen will excuse me, but have you thought of making your own veil,Jojo? It's super simple. Juts god to know incase you can't find what you want in the charity shops.

The very best to you Glaswejen, I hope your day goes as smoothly as possible, lets face it most wedding days have a few "moments" !

Just been Googling exactly that!

And that means I could look at old lace/trimmings rather than just the 'perfect' items.

Still need a clutch bag though.


OH CRAP! I FORGOT RINGS! :eek: :eek: :eek:

GlasweJen

We're using family rings, great grandparents wedding rings from either side - something old.

New wedding dress bought in the sale (loved it at first sight) - something new.

Borrowing my sisters veil but I've added "pearls" to it to make it match my dress more (she knows) - something borrowed.

Nothing blue lol! Don't go in for that really.

I saw some lovely antique-y veils on Etsy that I was tempted to buy but seemed a waste when there are 3 in various lofts in the family. I'd check them out, definitely cheaper than a bridal shop.

Yes I'm on the spectrum, so are 2 of my nieces but I don't think it's that. More that I'm not a delicate little girl like my sisters and if she visits me at home she's more likely to find me in joggers and a hoody than in a matching outfit with make up.

System

If she's planning to emotional blackmail you by saying she won;t come to get her own way, i'm with the others, call her bluff. Tell her you respect her decsision and you'll cancel her place.

(btw all this aside, i hope you do have a lovely day, congrats :j )

Savvy_Sue

These two bits:

justme111 wrote: »

I am sure lots of us would not have coped well if our daughters had dreamt of having other mothers, I do not know of any bigger hurt that this.

GlasweJen wrote: »

And little girls don't fantasise about other people being their mum unless something's really gone to pot with the mother/daughter relationship.

And there I thought dreaming your parents weren't your real parents was quite normal, and everyone did it.