Wedding/dealing with mother

justme111

Interesting that you complain you got only (!) £5000 (a quarter of the whole wedding cost) from her whike sisters got 20 grand.Tell me about ungrateful children. Then you pick up as an issue that she has accessories of the bridesmaids colour. You dislike her with a passion. Yet you plan a big wedding with her financial input and some of her side guests that you barely ever talk to. I do not dispute she must have done not nice things that were hurtful to you- human beings are not perfect and can be hurtful and shortsighted and selfish, all of us. They are still our mothers and daughters though. She looks responsible at least partially for your hurt but at some point you should take reaponsibility , you are a grown up woman, not a hurt child.

GlasweJen

justme111 wrote: »

Interesting that you complain you got only (!) £5000 (a quarter of the whole wedding cost) from her whike sisters got 20 grand.Tell me about ungrateful children. Then you pick up as an issue that she has accessories of the bridesmaids colour. You dislike her with a passion. Yet you plan a big wedding with her financial input and some of her side guests that you barely ever talk to. I do not dispute she must have done not nice things that were hurtful to you- human beings are not perfect and can be hurtful and shortsighted and selfish, all of us. They are still our mothers and daughters though. She looks responsible at least partially for your hurt but at some point you should take reaponsibility , you are a grown up woman, not a hurt child.

The £5000 was a gift from my father, I'm not ungrateful I gave values to show context. My sisters £20K budget allowed my mum to go mad with numbers, add ons like a chocolatier to hand make chocolates with the children, a silhouette artist and to add and remove names from the guest list at a whim. Bearing in mind this £20K was just our sides contribution, all of my sisters had me gift the wedding cake, gifted each other stationery and had financial input from their future husbands family. The most recent wedding final cost was £35K, fine if you can afford it.

My £15K budget means I have less to spend and less in real terms on top of that as things are more expensive now compared to when my sisters got married. I can't afford to squeeze people in and mum knows this.

She told my sister that to get her way she's going to call me today and tell me she isn't coming to the wedding. I wish she'd tell me in person as I want to see her face when I say "good, and when granda asks I'll tell him everything".

To add more context we are an old Jewish family though my side no longer practice and if she doesn't turn up she'll make a total social pariah of herself and she damn well knows it.

GlasweJen

Pollycat wrote: »

WOW, Glaswejen! :eek:


You're looking pretty fabulous in those big girl pants. :T

I might have taken a Valium to get me to sleep.

justme111

The numbers are still not relevant. You could have just chosen to see it as "she wants stuff for our wedding we do not have money for" instead of bringing in disparity with your sisters. Your family history looks quite dysfunctional and you seem to hate her with a vengeance. She is bound to act weird and defensive around you, she was not able to cope well when she had young children and she is not coping very well now; I am sure lots of us would not have coped well if our daughters had dreamt of having other mothers, I do not know of any bigger hurt that this. Broken women unable to cope bring up broken children unable to cope; she has done her damage but you are your own person now and you can heal. Xx
All the above said from a position of being a daughter, a mother and a partner of a man who has issues in a relationship with his daughter.
I am sure the wedding will be lovely , your response to your mother was good; just do not get wound up by her and let the hurt go. Wishing you to have a great day and find forgiveness and understanding in you, life is short....:beer::j

Izadora

justme111 wrote: »

The numbers are still not relevant. You could have just chosen to see it as "she wants stuff for our wedding we do not have money for" instead of bringing in disparity with your sisters.

I see them as being very relevant. How can her mother expect the same freedom to invite whomever she pleases when Jen's only got half of the budget of weddings where her mother did have that freedom?

Jen, I hope it all gets sorted out and you manage to have a nice, relaxing day.

GlasweJen

justme111 wrote: »

The numbers are still not relevant. You could have just chosen to see it as "she wants stuff for our wedding we do not have money for" instead of bringing in disparity with your sisters. Your family history looks quite dysfunctional and you seem to hate her with a vengeance. She is bound to act weird and defensive around you, she was not able to cope well when she had young children and she is not coping very well now; I am sure lots of us would not have coped well if our daughters had dreamt of having other mothers, I do not know of any bigger hurt that this. Broken women unable to cope bring up broken children unable to cope; she has done her damage but you are your own person now and you can heal. Xx
All the above said from a position of being a daughter, a mother and a partner of a man who has issues in a relationship with his daughter.
I am sure the wedding will be lovely , your response to your mother was good; just do not get wound up by her and let the hurt go. Wishing you to have a great day and find forgiveness and understanding in you, life is short....:beer::j

The numbers are very relevant, if I hadn't posted them I'd be interrogated about wether the disparity was £50 or £50K, then have people read the OP only and keep going on about how just a few hundred quid won't make a difference while others pick apart the fact that I didn't put all the facts in the OP. Like seriously, do you even read these boards?

And little girls don't fantasise about other people being their mum unless something's really gone to pot with the mother/daughter relationship. All I wanted as a child was a nice mummy and my brother to come home, that's what I asked Santa for every year and she was so wrapped up in her own game that it didn't even register.

paddy's_mum

GlasweJen wrote: »

She told my sister that to get her way she's going to call me today and tell me she isn't coming to the wedding. I wish she'd tell me in person as I want to see her face when I say "good, and when granda asks I'll tell him everything".

No-ooo-oooo!

You don't say all of that. Just say "good" and hang up 'cos that gives her no time to bluster, shout, pout or have the last word.

You need to learn how to play her at her own game, sweetie.

You also need to tell your OH that 'from this day forward..' he does what you ask in terms of your relationship with your mother - or else he'll be an :A

Pollycat

GlasweJen wrote: »

She told my sister that to get her way she's going to call me today and tell me she isn't coming to the wedding. I wish she'd tell me in person as I want to see her face when I say "good, and when granda asks I'll tell him everything".

Well done to your sister for forewarning you

paddy's_mum wrote: »

No-ooo-oooo!

You don't say all of that. Just say "good" and hang up 'cos that gives her no time to bluster, shout, pout or have the last word.

You need to learn how to play her at her own game, sweetie.

You also need to tell your OH that 'from this day forward..' he does what you ask in terms of your relationship with your mother - or else he'll be an :A

I'd play it slightly different.

When she calls to deliver her ultimatum, I'd say (in a surprised tone) "Oh. Well, thanks for letting me know, I'll ring the caterers right now to cancel your meal. Bye".
Then put the phone down & leave it off the hook.
She'll probably try to ring you straight back because her selfish plan has backfired and she'll think you're speaking to the caterers.

annandale

Her mum shouldn't have freedom to invite anyone. It's not her wedding. If accepting money from a family member gives them the right or the perceived right to choose who attends then a better idea might have been to pay for the wedding themselves and use money gifted for other things, honeymoon or whatever else it might be useful for.

Because it seems you know exactly what your mum is like and it's not surprising that she's behaving like this.

Aced2016

justme111 wrote: »

The numbers are still not relevant. You could have just chosen to see it as "she wants stuff for our wedding we do not have money for" instead of bringing in disparity with your sisters. Your family history looks quite dysfunctional and you seem to hate her with a vengeance. She is bound to act weird and defensive around you, she was not able to cope well when she had young children and she is not coping very well now; I am sure lots of us would not have coped well if our daughters had dreamt of having other mothers, I do not know of any bigger hurt that this. Broken women unable to cope bring up broken children unable to cope; she has done her damage but you are your own person now and you can heal. Xx
All the above said from a position of being a daughter, a mother and a partner of a man who has issues in a relationship with his daughter.
I am sure the wedding will be lovely , your response to your mother was good; just do not get wound up by her and let the hurt go. Wishing you to have a great day and find forgiveness and understanding in you, life is short....:beer::j

With regards to not coping with young children she shouldn't have had any more!! I had our first child at 19 then after we married I ended up with 3 children in 38 months (due to my coil failing twice !!). Anyway having basically 3 babies and an older one and a job is the definition of stress. There were days and still can be I want to hide and cry ! But I don't, I pull myself together and be the best mum I can be. Because that's my job, to make them feel happy, loved and safe. My mother was vile growing up and she's really left me quite bitter. But I work my backside off so my kids don't ever see me in that light. And the op mother gave her son away, no matter what that's disgusting!! She ought to be disgusted with herself sending her son away. You've failed at life if you cannot put your child 1st and give everything you can to them in my opinion.

I personally think you should just cut her off, life's to short and she clearly makes you unhappy and anxious.