Wedding/dealing with mother

paddy's_mum

Aced2016 wrote: »

I personally think you should just cut her off, life's to short and she clearly makes you unhappy and anxious.

This is my view, too.

When this is all over OP, perhaps you would be wise to sit and think very deeply about what it is that you gain from continuing a relationship with her - except perhaps more trouble and heartache.

Good luck.

jumpedtheshark

paddy's_mum wrote: »

This is my view, too.

When this is all over OP, perhaps you would be wise to sit and think very deeply about what it is that you gain from continuing a relationship with her - except perhaps more trouble and heartache.

Good luck.

That's what I did, though it was my father not my mother in my case. The threat not to come to my wedding (delivered over the phone whilst I was staying with my in-laws-to-be) was one of the final (emotional) straws - it took a couple more years and one more really significant incident alongside all of the minor ones for me to cut them off completely. People often say they stay in touch for the sake of their children - so they can have a relationship with their grandparents. Instead, I'd ask yourself if you want your children to be exposed to that behaviour, and what such exposure risks teaching your children about family.

firebird082

Jen, you've had some good advice on here from people who seem to understand your situation. I'm not going to add to that, and you seem to be taking steps in the right direction to deal with it.

I just wanted to wish you all the very best for your wedding day, and hope that you can forget about everything that has happened and just enjoy your day :beer:

Out,_Vile_Jelly

I'm sure planning for most weddings is stressful and there's a bit of fuss over seating plans and parents insisting that Great Uncle Brian must be invited.

This kind of last minute soap opera is NOT normal though. It's not the actions of someone who loves their daughter and wants them to be relaxed and happy on their wedding day. Your mother wants the day to be a drama, starring her. You can stop this happening by being calm, smiley, spending lots of time on the day with your good friends (and your partner- many friends have said they hardly had the chance to speak to their new spouse!), and the family members you actually like, and laughing off her melodramatic antics.

spirit

paddy's_mum wrote: »

This is my view, too.

When this is all over OP, perhaps you would be wise to sit and think very deeply about what it is that you gain from continuing a relationship with her - except perhaps more trouble and heartache.

Good luck.

and then come and join us on the narcissistic mothers support thread where you can vent to your heart's content.

iammumtoone

You might have already spoken to your mother today but if not I would consider your reply along the line "sorry you feel like that but I respect your decision"

Take this opportunity to be the bigger person and not get in a row about it she will be expecting confrontation so don't give her any.

I would not cancel her place as the likely hood will be she will turn up anyway you don't need the hassle on the day sorting it, plus if she doesn't come then the empty place only looks more bad for her, not you.

justme111

GlasweJen wrote: »

The numbers are very relevant, if I hadn't posted them I'd be interrogated about wether the disparity was £50 or £50K, then have people read the OP only and keep going on about how just a few hundred quid won't make a difference while others pick apart the fact that I didn't put all the facts in the OP. Like seriously, do you even read these boards?

And little girls don't fantasise about other people being their mum unless something's really gone to pot with the mother/daughter relationship. All I wanted as a child was a nice mummy and my brother to come home, that's what I asked Santa for every year and she was so wrapped up in her own game that it didn't even register.

There was no need whatsoever to go into disparity discussion. So you would not been interrogated on how much disparity was. If you written " my mother wants stuff for wedding I have no money for" it would convey all pertinent info.
Yes she failed you when you were a child. She is not the best mother now. As I said earlier , humans are falible. Do you intend to to nurse that hurt forever ?

GlasweJen

justme111 wrote: »

There was no need whatsoever to go into disparity discussion. So you would not been interrogated on how much disparity was. If you written " my mother wants stuff for wedding I have no money for" it would convey all pertinent info.
Yes she failed you when you were a child. She is not the best mother now. As I said earlier , humans are falible. Do you intend to to nurse that hurt forever ?

If I'd written that mum wants something for the wedding that I can't afford I would have been given advice along the lines of "do you really need this extra thing? I've been to a thousand weddings with a sweet cart/photo booth/clown/magician... and didn't like it/thought it was a cute extra.. tell your mum you don't want this extra thing or cut back on costs like your cake (the famous buy an M&S cake and decorate it yourself advice) to please your mum as she'll know what's best going to please your family.

My mum wants people and doesn't want to pay, you can't cut back on a wedding cake (that's paid in full now) to add more people. You can't substitute a photo booth for people or get your friends to photograph your wedding so you can sack the photographer and bring more people (well you could but not so close to the wedding).

It also gave background, someone asked "why don't you get your sisters advice" and my response was "my sisters didn't have this problem". Now if I hadn't written about the disparity of money I would have answers like "well if your sisters afforded it you're just not being MSE enough and you've spent too much money where it doesn't matter. Your mum is right to be upset as your sisters accommodated all her guests without struggle or complaint, cut out your extras and do right by your mother".

So no, I think you're completely wrong. And I can't change the mother that I had but that doesn't mean I have to pretend my childhood was all sunshine and roses to make her feel better. When we go ahead and knock up the surrogate she will be told "one word about this babies gender and you will never see it".

GlasweJen

iammumtoone wrote: »

You might have already spoken to your mother today but if not I would consider your reply along the line "sorry you feel like that but I respect your decision"

Take this opportunity to be the bigger person and not get in a row about it she will be expecting confrontation so don't give her any.

I would not cancel her place as the likely hood will be she will turn up anyway you don't need the hassle on the day sorting it, plus if she doesn't come then the empty place only looks more bad for her, not you.

She texted me a passive aggressive rant about how she's contacted her cousin and explained that because i excluded her she didn't know that her cousins hadn't rsvp'd and then I went and finalised numbers without asking her so cousins can't come during the day and she's ever so upset with me but there's nothing she can do now. I missed a call just before I got the text so she was probably planning to be much more elaborate by phone but then got so angry she's texted it out in a bubble.

I just texted her back "ok, just at the opticians waiting for my new glasses to be adjusted" and she's not said a word since.

She's obvious realised that verbalising the threat to not come at me won't go down well as I struggle with taking things a bit literally at times and she ran the risk of me offering her seat to one of her cousins. That or one of my sisters has said "I spoke to Jenny yesterday and the last thing you want to do is threaten that as she's about to erupt on you and might ban you from coming, the best men are bouncers after all".

justme111

GlasweJen wrote: »

If I'd written that mum wants something for the wedding that I can't afford I would have been given advice along the lines of "do you really need this extra thing? I've been to a thousand weddings with a sweet cart/photo booth/clown/magician... and didn't like it/thought it was a cute extra.. tell your mum you don't want this extra thing or cut back on costs like your cake (the famous buy an M&S cake and decorate it yourself advice) to please your mum as she'll know what's best going to please your family.

Yes but the these option do not change whether readers know the numbers or not.

It also gave background, someone asked "why don't you get your sisters advice" and my response was "my sisters didn't have this problem". Now if I hadn't written about the disparity of money I would have answers like "well if your sisters afforded it you're just not being MSE enough and you've spent too much money where it doesn't matter. Your mum is right to be upset as your sisters accommodated all her guests without struggle or complaint, cut out your extras and do right by your mother".

No background was needed for a question of why you don't ask the sister for advice as surely her advice would be related to YOUR circumstances, you do not have to be in the same circumstances with sisters to ask them for advice.

So no, I think you're completely wrong. And I can't change the mother that I had but that doesn't mean I have to pretend my childhood was all sunshine and roses to make her feel better. When we go ahead and knock up the surrogate she will be told "one word about this babies gender and you will never see it".

You responding to something I have not written. I did not write "pretend your childhood was sunshine and roses to make her feel better". I did not mean it either. I both meant and written to stop hating her for it for both of you to feel better.
Good luck with your wedding, once it is going I am sure you will enjoy it, I said all I could in this thread.