My ex girlfriend is still manipulating me?
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Jlawson118
Posts: 1,132 Forumite
We're both 20, met at university and we were together for around a year and a half.
My step-dad warned me quite early on that she seemed really controlling, but me being madly in love with her, just ignored this, although really early on into the relationship she ended up moving in with me and my family as the room she was renting was terribly unsafe, and this was when I started to realise he was right.
Her mood just changed over time, she became so angry, always wanted things her own way. Although I also saw the cause of this, and that was her abusive mother. Her mother used to abuse her daughter and her husband and they just used to bow down to her commands. She was horrible. Over the summer, she forced my girlfriend to work 16 hour days without food or breaks and was also just bullying her, such as stealing money from her and blackmailing her as well as saying horrible things about my family whom she's never met.
I tried to convince her to come back home with me but she was blinded by her mother's manipulative tactics. Although at the end of the Summer, she did come back, and she came back this completely different girl. She became so lazy, even more angry and just hid away in the bedroom playing games or watching movies all day long. I tried to stick by her because I could see she was depressed, but she could never turn around and blame her mother.
The more this went on, the more I was depressed too. I ended up going to the doctors and he put me on anti-depressants. But me being as stubborn as I am, I took one and didn't take anymore. I did know the cause of the depression and it was her, but obviously when you care about somebody so much, you don't want to let them go. I know there'll be mixed points raised here, some who've been through this understanding, and others who haven't perhaps saying I should have got out of there a long time ago, but it wasn't as easy as that.
Anyway, a few days after new years day this year, we had a discussion and I told her things weren't really working out. And a few days after that she admitted to me she's felt the same, and we agreed that the only thing stopping both of us from breaking up with the other was that we were scared of losing one another, she didn't want to lose me after everything I've done to help her, and for me, I didn't want to really lose a friend. We agreed to go on a break.
I'll admit that we were kind of friends with benefits for a week or two but then she came home from work one night and pretty much didn't want much to do with me, though she was messaging some guy from her work whom I had a feeling she was interested in for the previous weeks as she was talking more and more about him. Though I told her after that, that perhaps it would be better if she moved out then (that way she can move on and talk to whoever she likes without it bothering me) and so she did.
The past few weeks I've been stressed with a few things, and I've kind of just kept myself to myself. But she's been forcefully trying to get me to hang out with her and I simply just haven't had the time. I called in at hers last Friday and could tell she didn't want me to leave because I know she's lonely, but I had somewhere to be. Then yesterday I was ill and wanted to stay inside and she was pressuring me to come get lunch with her, and she was annoyed at me not wanting to! Then got annoyed at me talking to some other girl in our class.
She's openly moving on with this guy from work! And I can't even talk to another girl without her going off in a strop? I'm worried about her, I really am. I don't think she's well mentally at all. She's pushing the wrong person out of her life. And I know it's her own fault for doing so but I don't think she knows what she's doing, and she hasn't since she she was working for her mother!
I don't want to lose her as a friend even though I bet that'll be the easier option. I'm just worried for her safety because she's really unstable. I think she has see nher mum behaving like this and she may deem this as normal behaviour...any advice?
My step-dad warned me quite early on that she seemed really controlling, but me being madly in love with her, just ignored this, although really early on into the relationship she ended up moving in with me and my family as the room she was renting was terribly unsafe, and this was when I started to realise he was right.
Her mood just changed over time, she became so angry, always wanted things her own way. Although I also saw the cause of this, and that was her abusive mother. Her mother used to abuse her daughter and her husband and they just used to bow down to her commands. She was horrible. Over the summer, she forced my girlfriend to work 16 hour days without food or breaks and was also just bullying her, such as stealing money from her and blackmailing her as well as saying horrible things about my family whom she's never met.
I tried to convince her to come back home with me but she was blinded by her mother's manipulative tactics. Although at the end of the Summer, she did come back, and she came back this completely different girl. She became so lazy, even more angry and just hid away in the bedroom playing games or watching movies all day long. I tried to stick by her because I could see she was depressed, but she could never turn around and blame her mother.
The more this went on, the more I was depressed too. I ended up going to the doctors and he put me on anti-depressants. But me being as stubborn as I am, I took one and didn't take anymore. I did know the cause of the depression and it was her, but obviously when you care about somebody so much, you don't want to let them go. I know there'll be mixed points raised here, some who've been through this understanding, and others who haven't perhaps saying I should have got out of there a long time ago, but it wasn't as easy as that.
Anyway, a few days after new years day this year, we had a discussion and I told her things weren't really working out. And a few days after that she admitted to me she's felt the same, and we agreed that the only thing stopping both of us from breaking up with the other was that we were scared of losing one another, she didn't want to lose me after everything I've done to help her, and for me, I didn't want to really lose a friend. We agreed to go on a break.
I'll admit that we were kind of friends with benefits for a week or two but then she came home from work one night and pretty much didn't want much to do with me, though she was messaging some guy from her work whom I had a feeling she was interested in for the previous weeks as she was talking more and more about him. Though I told her after that, that perhaps it would be better if she moved out then (that way she can move on and talk to whoever she likes without it bothering me) and so she did.
The past few weeks I've been stressed with a few things, and I've kind of just kept myself to myself. But she's been forcefully trying to get me to hang out with her and I simply just haven't had the time. I called in at hers last Friday and could tell she didn't want me to leave because I know she's lonely, but I had somewhere to be. Then yesterday I was ill and wanted to stay inside and she was pressuring me to come get lunch with her, and she was annoyed at me not wanting to! Then got annoyed at me talking to some other girl in our class.
She's openly moving on with this guy from work! And I can't even talk to another girl without her going off in a strop? I'm worried about her, I really am. I don't think she's well mentally at all. She's pushing the wrong person out of her life. And I know it's her own fault for doing so but I don't think she knows what she's doing, and she hasn't since she she was working for her mother!
I don't want to lose her as a friend even though I bet that'll be the easier option. I'm just worried for her safety because she's really unstable. I think she has see nher mum behaving like this and she may deem this as normal behaviour...any advice?
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Comments
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Whether or not your in a relationship, you should be able to talk to whoever you want.
She will only manipulate you if you let her or dont stand up for yourself.0 -
Move on. She's not your problem.
Let her new guy be the one to try to fix her.0 -
I understand how difficult it is (really), but the fact is she is moving on and it's no longer your place to worry about her. I understand that you want to be friends, and maybe you can eventually, but I don't think you can YET. You're too close - a while with no contact at all where you can spend some time enjoying your own company or other friends would probably be a good idea.Jlawson118 wrote: »She's openly moving on with this guy from work! And I can't even talk to another girl without her going off in a strop? I'm worried about her, I really am. I don't think she's well mentally at all. She's pushing the wrong person out of her life. And I know it's her own fault for doing so but I don't think she knows what she's doing, and she hasn't since she she was working for her mother!
Then, once you've revaluated, you can see whether you really can be friends or not.Do you not know that a man is not dead while his name is still spoken?
― Sir Terry Pratchett, 1948-20150 -
Well maybe that'll be the best choice then, keeping our distance. It'll hurt but I just hope one day she sits down and realises what she lost. Me and my family just gave her everything and she turned her backs on us and pushed us all away0
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As Judi says - don't allow her to manipulate you. Move on, blank her, start living your life the way that you want to live.0
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Put your foot down with a firm hand.0
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Cake and eat it.
She doesn't want you but doesn't want anybody else to have you either.
Does she still live with you?
BTW, you don't need a question mark at the end of your thread title - yes, she is still manipulating you.0 -
Thomas_The_Tank_Top wrote: »Put your foot down with a firm hand.
Is this what they call an Oxymoron?
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You are not remaining friends, you are still holding on to each other, it's different.
The way you've described it, you are not even close to being in a position to be friends, you are in the moving on from a break-up stage, so let it be that. If after some time you have indeed both moved on, then maybe you can recontact each other and be friends, but to be honest, at your age, few failed relationships turn into true friendship as you find other friends/partners and don't need the old boyfriend/girlfriend's friendship.0
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