Married but living apart?

fairy_lights

dk5294 wrote: »

We never discussed him leaving his old job to work at home, we never discussed having a conventional marriage. From day 1 of our relationship we made it clear that living together every day was something that wouldn't happen as he went away on a 2 on 2 off rotation.

Then baby was born and he didn't want to miss out on him and now we're here.

The obvious solution then would be for you to get jobs with opposing shift patterns, to minimise the time you spend together. That could work, as then when one of you was at work the other would be around for childcare so no-one would miss out.

iammumtoone

dk5294 wrote: »

Yet I don't remember them having illegitimate children to men other than their husband.

I think this could be an issue, you seem to be concerned about the above fact when your husband has no problem with it. This is not a criticism of you, you can't help how you feel you need to learn and trust that he is not going to leave. Maybe he picks up on the fact you are subconsciously thinking like this and its causing tension (perhaps he thinks its him, that you don't want him there all the time now hes left his job)

Are you sure that you won't consider counseling before you make any drastic decisions.

balletshoes

Are you going to live near enough to each other when your husband moves into his own place that you can share the childcare as much as you both want to, and which will give both your children the stability they will need?

chesky

I think he sounds a rather decent bloke.

Ronaldo_Mconaldo

dk5294 wrote: »

I would never stop him seeing the children. They aren't toys and he has a relationship with them that I don't dictate. They are his children as long as he wishes them to be. I've had one man walk away when their child was barely conceived though so maybe I'm a little sceptical about how long someone will stick around when they don't have to.

They're not his children in the slightest bit then. If any of this fairy tale is actually true and not just made up to drive traffic to this sorry website then tell your husband that I said he should be running for the hills.

Aced2016

I don't really know what to say ! Other than I actually think the guy is a diamond !!!

In my opinion the strain is your situation. You've got two kids to two different guys who aren't your husband. They're both young so that's a strain within itself, then the fact they're not his will bother him. He might not say it out loud but that will torture his head. And then there is the dynamic of two other dads are they on the scene ?

You say you don't even want to sit and eat and meal with him ! I really don't think there's a marriage here at all. I've been with my husband 14 years and we have 4 kids, it's been tough and hell at times. But we've stuck it out and no matter what we have never been that bad. I honestly think he sounds like a decent man, I think it would be kind of you to be good friends and let him have a relationship with the kids. That way he is still part of all your lives. Can you husband have kids ?

I just think it's all so complicated. I read this to my husband and he said he would run for the hills if he was in this situation.

Art_Deco

dk5294 wrote: »

After 6 months of really trying to live together myself and my husband have decided it's best we stop, before something ends badly, namely our marriage.

He's currently in the process of trying to buy a house and still lives in my house with me, albeit in separate rooms. We barely even share a meal together anymore as we just nip at each other, but neither of us can even lie and say we aren't gutted. My husband worked away for most of our relationship and he moved back home to work 8 months ago. The novelty soon wore off and I realised quickly he wasn't the person I thought. He isn't cruel or nasty, he's just an oversized child and I don't want that. He's also quite selfish.

So we are going to see how we go living apart and if it doesn't work out, we'll get divorced (standard in Scotland). It's strange though because I think if we have our own homes and are independent we will be fine.

We don't claim benefits, we both work, there's no children (although I have a daughter) to fight over.

Anyone else tried this? Does it work?

What a confusing state of affairs, why choose to live apart and still be married, you are either married and live together or you split up and remain friends, you were both only happy when he was away working and didnt see each other? If you want your own home and be independant , thats not being married. How is your husband childish and selfish?, he seems to have a lot to put up with raising 2 children that are not his, you have a young child and are probably stressed from caring for him and working full time , theres so much going on here , can you afford 2 mortgages, that would surely add more stress!

paddy's_mum

How I LOATHE the expression "illegitimate child/ren"!

I much prefer the alternative suggestion put forward by the Law Society some years ago:-

'the child of illegitimate parents'.

If we are going to apply a label, let's at least apply it where it rightly belongs. :mad:

(Picks up soapbox and shuffles off to the next well-known preaching spot )

Art_Deco

paddy's_mum wrote: »

How I LOATHE the expression "illegitimate child/ren"!

I much prefer the alternative suggestion put forward by the Law Society some years ago:-

'the child of illegitimate parents'.

If we are going to apply a label, let's at least apply it where it rightly belongs. :mad:

(Picks up soapbox and shuffles off to the next well-known preaching spot )

im confused where the OP says she has friends that have illegitimate children to their husbands but then im confused by it all really!!

iammumtoone

I think some are being unnecessary harsh on the OP. They haven't done anything wrong. They didn't have an affair nor have they been deceitful, the husband knew the situation and choose to be part of it.

Any relationship struggles with a new baby, especially one where you haven't lived together properly before.

Do you have any friends/family who could look after the children while you and your husband spend some time together?