£67,031.92 is a frightening number indeed....

enthusiasticsaver

The savings pots look like they are building nicely and well done on managing to work at all plus home ed your three children. 
Unfortunately being SE getting another mortgage wont be easy so if you and XH want a clean break (as far as possible when you have kids) then selling up is realistically the only option unless your XH could buy you out and take on the mortgage on your own and from the sound of it that is not possible.  That would also leave you vulnerable although I know you are with NC but I daresay that is not something you want to rely on. Will you have anything to help with a deposit if you and NC buy together or is the intention for just him to buy? 

On the plus side if your DH wants 50/50 childcare that helps you with giving you more time to work and build your business.  It may also make him realise how difficult it is to juggle childcare and career.  I hope the children cope with it but presumably that will mean you will both need bigger houses? Unfortunately I have seen this  many many times where women sacrifice their earning potential when they have children and their DH carries on as normal building their career.  It was one reason I was determined to carry on working after having children even part time due to my experience in seeing people in your position.  My sister is going through a divorce  after 29 years of marriage and my X BIL had  the big salary and pension.  Their children are grown but the disparity in income between my sister and X BIL is huge although he has been fair in paying spousal support off his own back as the divorce was his choice.  Have you  looked into your XH pension when considering your financial split? 

PurpleFairy26

Great work on those pots and I can fully see why you want to be financially independent. I think asking your mum to reduce the debt by £1k rather than just adding it to your car pot is also a significant move for you and very admirable. 

As for childcare, I totally get where you are coming from. If you do end up splitting 50/50 could you do 4 days rolling on and off. My friend did this when her and her XH divorced. It worked really well. Felt like long enough that they weren’t chopping and changing all the time but also meant that they rotated days so both had to do certain club drop offs etc... but also meant that sometimes they got the full weekend with the children. It was also perfectly feasible to plan it well in advance to look at key days (Christmas, birthdays etc..) obviously these key days needed a bit of thought but my friend just felt not being with the children for a whole week every other week was too much and this met nicely in the middle without those constant swaps you talk of. 

Rebecca01

Hi TOPM
Have you tried the child maintenance calculator? I am not sure if it has changed but my ex and his ex wife had 50 50 care. As he was the higher earner he still had to pay her something. Try the calculator and show your ex this this may change his mind somewhat. 

I am not sure if this has changed in recent years though. 

ellen_vannin

Hope all well ? Sure you are keeping going !
I get worried when you don't post!

Humdinger1

Also checking in to see how you all
are, TOPM? Always look forward to your updates.  Humdinger x

Humdinger1

Hello again TOPM; just wondering how you all are? Look forward to your news love Humdinger x 

Treadingonplaymobil

You are all so lovely, checking in on me!

Well, things are moderately smooth at the moment in TOPM-land. XH and I have agreed a 50/50 schedule for the kids, and although I didn't want to go 50/50 (I wanted 70/30), we have at least ended up with exactly the 50/50 schedule I proposed, which I feel is the one that's best for our DCs - some do better with more frequent handovers, but we've found longer stretches so much less unsettling for them, so XH has agreed to a week on/week off schedule, even though it's a little trickier for his work. I'm glad he was able to see how much better it is for the DCs, as he was originally proposing something that suited his work hours more than it suited the DCs. SO relieved to have that sorted.

Because it's 50/50, maintenance is of course minimal (something <£200 a month is likely, although final figure not confirmed yet - XH and I proposed slightly different numbers, although thankfully his was higher than mine so he's not trying to be remotely unreasonable). I get so angry about how little 'wifework' is valued by society when I think about this - I have sacrificed my career for so long, but at the end of the day XH could argue to pay £0 maintenance as he does 50/50, so I'm expected to be grateful for anything beyond that. Which is bonkers, when you consider that I took over a decade out of developing my career to be at home with our children. It's not him I'm angry at, he's actually being more generous than the court would make him be, it's the way society views women who give up their careers for their children as freeloaders the moment the marriage is over. I SO regret giving up so much of my earning potential, although I'm not sure I would do anything different given my time again - I know how valuable being around for the DCs was in those early years.

House is going on the market any day now - just waiting for estate agent photos - and we can begin to move things forwards. I'm not sure how much debt we'll pay off with the equity, but the agreement is that any debt leftover will be equally split, but I will take the loan to my mother and XH will take the consumer debt (then whatever is left of the loan to my mother to make it a 50/50 debt split), which means I will have a lower monthly repayment than him. We'll be left with something between £20-40k in debt total, which means my own personal liability worst case is £20k (entirely to my mother). I've agreed a repayment rate, after the house is sold, of £150 a month but obviously I'm hoping to pay it off far quicker than that.

I'm struggling, as I suspect many are, to get back into the rhythm of working after lockdown. My business was severely affected by needing to take so much time off to home educate the DCs, and I feel like my concentration, drive, and focus has been shot to pieces after months of fire fighting both with the business and home life. I'm picking it up a tiny bit at a time, but honestly it feels like an achievement if I manage a couple of straight hours work at a time, even when I have all day. I know that sounds pathetic, but I really get into a state of anxiety if I try to push for more. I'm trying my best to balance looking after myself (and, by extension, the DCs) with needing to increase my income fairly rapidly.

Brief update over, I'll be back with a bit more numbers chat in a day or two. I don't feel like I necessarily need to work on tightening my budget, more focusing on earning more and prioritising where my money is going.

Hope you are all doing well, and enjoying this weird summer as much as you can.

Humdinger1

TOPM

You're most welcome! Do you know what an interest you are in our lives?!  Agree totally re the value placed on mothers, but you will triumph I have no doubt.   Sounds like the debt split makes sense and is far more manageable than your original situation.   Are you still planning to live with NC? Love Humdinger x 

Humdinger1

Just wondering how you all are, TOPM? Really looking forward to hearing the latest love Humdinger x 

Honeysucklelou2

How are you TOPM? Thinking of you the other day and hoping that all is well with you and yours.