£67,031.92 is a frightening number indeed....

Sayschezza

I shouldn't worry too much about posting TOPM as MnS, Debenhams and Amaz 0n are still sending on-line orders. I personally just disinfect outer packages when they are delivered.

Siebrie

Treadingonplaymobil said:

her basic 15 minute clean would take me more than 15 minutes - getting a laundry sorted into light/dark then on, then hung out (plus previous laundry off the line/airer - no tumble dryer), ironed as necessary, and put away is the best part of 15 minutes a day all by itself.
This is child labour in our house! They can very well hang up and take down laundry. My dds are 11 and 8.

Also to my mind, the domestic load that feels like it takes all of my day isn't just cleaning. It's meals 3x per day, washing up after those meals (no dishwasher), wiping the table, wiping the kitchen sides, tidying the toy/craft detritus away - have less! (yes, the DCs help, but youngest is by far the messiest and needs the most supervising, and also it always seems to get so late for either school run or bed time and then they need to get on with getting to school/bed and I have to finish clearing away).

We made a schedule by which time they had to be up, eat breakfast, washed, be dressed, teeth brushed, bed made. Not ready = no breakfast / we leave without you (not really, just make the threat serious enough that they believe you). DDs go upstairs at 8pm, in bed by 8.30. If they are not, no song/story/kiss. I do not want to see them again once I've put them to bed; that's my time to do admin, wind down, prep for the next day(s).

Also, not cleaning but domestic jobs that just take time - bath time/listening to reading in the evenings/being interrupted every 15 seconds to resolve an argument/help sellotape down a crucial craft project etc etc.

Delegate. Let the 11-year old help the smaller kids. Reading can be done while you're cooking. Do they need a bath every night? Will every other night or twice a week do?

It's been very interesting reading your diary and how you're coping with life. It seems as if you want to be in control of everything, but, realistically, you can't be. Children will always want more of your time and attention than you have to give, your home will always have something that needs doing/could be better (although I do know that the current situation is, ahum, not ideal), work always could be more/be done to a higher standard. It's really important to delegate things, especially housework. It may not be done to your standard, but it's up to you to decide whether to let that get to you. You mentioned earlier that your xh left the place spotless after his weekend (week?), so maybe you can let it go a bit? Or have a 1-hour clean-up with the dc's once a week? Put on some fun music and promise a board game/bike ride/film afterwards, but only if everyone is finished to a certain standard. Mrs SaladDodger has started a Declutter thread on the Old Style part of the forum, and opens every post with a list of Cleaning Mantras, which are very useful.

Humdinger1

Siberia,

Lovely to see you here on the TOPM diary! Recent virus events have piqued a henceforth dormant interest in cleaning (in fact, my BH had to stop me muttering non-stop, berating myself re what a perfect domestic !!!!!! I must have been thus far!)  TOPM, I do think that the best can be the enemy of the good.  You, the DC and NM are happy and healthy, physically and mentally; plume yourself on that as the rest is a mere detail.  Work is ticking over/developing and that's another feather in your cap.  As you know, I agree with Siebrie that some child labour is good.  We have to prepare them and you're nowhere near enslaving them. Love Humdinger x 

Treadingonplaymobil

Thanks for the ideas Siebrie, I appreciate it.

I have actually realised this week that a large part of my problem is trying to do everything, every day. I want the house clean, my work done, exercise done, the DCs happy, entertained, exercised, all of us well fed etc etc etc, and it's just not possible to win at everything, every single day. The DC are actually miles better with helping with chores these days - I've been much tighter on it since the separation - although again I still frequently give in to the temptation to do it myself because it's 'quicker' (which it is for that one chore, but less so when I'm doing 99% of them and everyone else is doing the 1%!).  I rarely (ie never) have days where I'm ok with letting something slip, and really that's the big thing that needs to change. I need to find a way to accept that I can do some things well, or everything badly, and that the DCs doing some stuff less than perfectly is more than acceptable.

In other news, wow, my weight! Anyone else finding lockdown bad for the waistline?! I need to get on top of it pronto, especially now that getting hold of fresh food isn't too much of a challenge.

I'm pleased to be on to a fresh month, budget-wise. Last month was OK-ish, but with the food overspend to stock up the freezer, two DCs birthdays and a couple of other necessary purchases (new coat for one DC, new shoes for another), there wasn't anything left in any of the regular pots (food, family kitty, birthdays etc) and the emergency fund went on stocking up on food. The freezer is STUFFED now though, so food shops shouldn't be any more expensive from here on, and when things start to feel more relaxed we'll be able to eat down the freezer and have a few cheap weeks, food-wise. I'm sticking with keeping the freezer full for now though, and using up the fresh stuff, because it's really thrown me having to suddenly actually consider how the next lot of food shopping is going to get into the house, and not necessarily being able to buy exactly what we choose. A very minor problem in the grand scheme of things going on right now, but it's what made it hit home for me.

A reminder to myself of my jobs for the week...

1. Discuss and agree a post-easter childcare plan with XH. Within that discuss how home education will work (chopping and changing between us last week was a bit of a challenge). XH coming round on Thursday to discuss, he is weirdly reluctant to sort thing, along with how our finances will work with him furloughed (money is still very intertwined). Hopefully he'll be 'ready' on Thursday.
2. Create a new 4 week plan for my business. I normally work in quarters, but a 12 week plan seems meaningless at the moment, I can't begin to predict how things will look in three months. I'll set a loose 12 week outline, but I'm only going to make any sort of meaningful plan for the next month. I think this needs to wait until childcare is confirmed with XH, as it will affect my working hours so much, but I might make a start today if I have time.
3. Invoice for March's contract work. To do today.
4. Consider my daily routine and how to create a really minimalist simple rhythm for the next few weeks, so I have structure to my day without feeling overwhelmed by how much I have to do. To do today.
5. Completely free up my time with the DCs in terms of work expectations - I am fortunate enough to be able to give myself very nearly zero work expectations while I have them this week, so I'm going to take advantage of that while it lasts and expect no more than an hour a day of clearing emails etc. If I end up doing some work in the evenings or whatever that's fine, but I'm not going to pressure myself to do it. I have nothing to do now that can't wait until XH takes over on Sunday.
6. Focus on nourishing my body with good healthy food and exercising when I am able to. I know how much difference it makes to my overall mood and approach to life, and that feels more important than ever. Also a little self indulgence, whether that's painting my nails or spending half an hour in the bath with a face mask and a book, wouldn't hurt. Just about to do some yoga, and have plenty of fruit and veg for a nutritious day today.
   

I hope you're all keeping healthy and happy.

Treadingonplaymobil

Friday! Not that the working week has a huge amount of meaning at the moment. We're not even home educating while the DCs are officially on their easter holidays, so the days really are blending in to one. I'm feeling hugely grateful for having a reasonable sized garden (not massive, and it's long and skinny because we're terraced, but a reasonable size for playing in) as the DCs are living out there at the moment. I would not want to be negotiating this whole tricky period with no private outdoor space. I'm also feeling grateful for having three DCs - they don't exactly entertain each other (there is always bickering to resolve or some minor irritation between them) but they do continually hone each other's negotiating, communication and life skills, and encourage each other to stretch themselves on a daily basis (mostly by competition rather than encouragement! But they are always proud of each other for doing more, trying something new). It's nice to see and, although I hate what's going on, I'm grateful for what it's shown me about my own DC so far.

I wouldn't say I was ever blase about the situation, but the endlessly mounting death toll is making me grateful on a daily basis for having my people around me, and making me want to both nourish and protect them, and to appreciate this time when no one we know has had the virus badly. It feels like sooner or later it will touch us all, but right now I am grateful that it hasn't.

Had a good chat with XH yesterday about finances and childcare while he's furloughed. He's arranged the mortgage holiday, which impressed me - it's the kind of thing I would have had to chase him about endlessly before. We're waiting to see what happens with the FCA's demands of lenders next week before we phone up about CC and loan payments, but we are hoping to be able to take a payment holiday on some of them while we figure out our next steps. If we can get either the loan or the biggest CC payment deferred, it (combined with the mortgage holiday) would mean we are no worse off under the furlough scheme. Obviously horrifying interest will accrue, but our first priority is to navigate these first few weeks, then worry about the future beyond that.

XH is also going to do a little more childcare after easter. Not as much as I'd hoped he would, but enough that I can't really throw my toys out of the pram, so it's a reasonable compromise. I'm certainly going to get an extra full working day each week. We're going to negotiate it on a week by week basis for now though, although if the lockdown gets extended/tightened at that three week review point, we may be able to plan a whopping fortnight or so in advance.

I'm going to try to get my list finished off today, but I won't beat myself up if something carries over to the weekend.

A reminder to myself of my jobs for the week...

1. Discuss and agree a post-easter childcare plan with XH. Within that discuss how home education will work (chopping and changing between us last week was a bit of a challenge). Plan made for the next couple of weeks, then we'll see where we're at. Have also agreed a 1hr handover timeslot to keep home ed running smoothly.
2. Create a new 4 week plan for my business. I normally work in quarters, but a 12 week plan seems meaningless at the moment, I can't begin to predict how things will look in three months. I'll set a loose 12 week outline, but I'm only going to make any sort of meaningful plan for the next month. Will make a start on this now I have discussed with XH, but only work on the basis of getting an extra day a week for now.
3. Invoice for March's contract work. Done, paid.
4. Consider my daily routine and how to create a really minimalist simple rhythm for the next few weeks, so I have structure to my day without feeling overwhelmed by how much I have to do. Done. I found it interesting what really matters to my day when I strip it right back. Journalling, yoga (ashtanga in the morning and a quick restorative evening practice when I have time), time to make good food, planning my day before I go to bed, making time to tidy the house so I don't wake up to a mess, delineated family and work time so I'm not trying to do everything at once.
5. Completely free up my time with the DCs in terms of work expectations - I am fortunate enough to be able to give myself very nearly zero work expectations while I have them this week, so I'm going to take advantage of that while it lasts and expect no more than an hour a day of clearing emails etc. If I end up doing some work in the evenings or whatever that's fine, but I'm not going to pressure myself to do it. I have nothing to do now that can't wait until XH takes over on Sunday. Going well.
6. Focus on nourishing my body with good healthy food and exercising when I am able to. I know how much difference it makes to my overall mood and approach to life, and that feels more important than ever. Also a little self indulgence, whether that's painting my nails or spending half an hour in the bath with a face mask and a book, wouldn't hurt. I've been really happy with my food intake, less thrilled with my exercise levels, but doing my best and feeling ok about it. Self indulgence has thus far been limited to exfoliating my feet.  
   

Humdinger1

TOPM

Wow, it is going well! I agree, finding beauty and moments out of time are key to this though I do know that my eternal optimism can annoy some or even many.  I do think that there's going to be a reckoning at every level once we're out of this re what's truly important and how we live our lives.  I was reading in the FT yesterday that many credit card companies are coming under pressure to write off interest post crisis,  at least for some.  Finding silver linings while staying realistic is one of the marvellous keynotes on your thread.  Onwards and upwards Humdinger x 

Humdinger1

Just checking that you're all ok TOPM? Humdinger xx

Treadingonplaymobil

Hello! Ticking along here, trying to find a new rhythm and routine in amongst all the constant change and re-evaluation. We continue to (touch wood) remain healthy, and the glorious weather has been a joy since we have a bit of a garden, and have been making the most of our daily exercise time. NC has been doing quite a lot of gardening with the DCs, which has been great, and will hopefully save us some money later in the year (have only bought one or two packs of seeds, plus used ageing compost we had in the shed and pots we already own).

XH has arranged the mortgage holiday, which takes the pressure off the next couple of months, and will phone up the loan/CC companies early next week now that clearer finance measures are in place for the coming months. Stopping payments on some or all of the debts even for a couple of months will give us breathing room to figure out what happens after that, both in terms of the work/virus situation but also with the separation, sorting the house etc. I guess we may end up in a holding pattern for even longer than that, but easing pressure on our finances will make that holding pattern less worrying.

Trying to ease myself back into doing an hour or two of work each day while I have the DCs, as I'll have to do that from next week, much as I'd love to just continue to not work when I have them. I have proposed to XH that we need to do more like a 50/50 split of childcare while he is furloughed, as I can still work, but even if he agrees to that I'll still need to do the odd bit when I have the children.

I'm finding losing confidence in the food supply chain tricky - I used to be quite happy to eat down the contents of the fridge and freezer and have a couple of cheap weeks, but now I feel obliged to keep everything constantly topped up, which means a lot of my food budget is 'tied up' in actual food, if that makes sense. I'm not spending much more on a weekly basis now that I've stocked everything up (although I'm noticing the lack of offers etc on my weekly bill), but my YNAB food budget pots are taking a while to recover from that stock up.

Today is going to be mostly about easter prep. I'm going to have 'easter' (eggs etc, we're not religious) with the DCs tomorrow because XH has them from friday afternoon until Monday, so I'm going to create a treasure hunt with clues (if anyone else is planning similar, search on pinterest for home treasure hunts, you won't even need to come up with fancy riddles yourself!), put up some little decorations etc, and we have croissants and hot chocolate for breakfast tomorrow. I don't go wildly overboard for easter or anything - they aren't any presents, just an egg and some mini eggs on the easter hunt - but I think it's nice to have an excuse to celebrate life right now, so we'll make a bit of a thing of it.

I hope you're all keeping safe and well. I look forward to the day when my diary can be more than a literal diary of what I'm up to, because I feel like I'm really in a holding pattern here rather than using this wonderful community to help move me forwards, financially or otherwise, but I see from other diaries that that's true of an awful lot of us at the moment. 

Sea_Shell

I think we're all in a holding pattern at the moment.   Our patterns may all differ to each other...but they are on hold just the same.

Glad to hear you're all keeping well.

Savingtomove

Hi TOPM

I just wanted to say I love you diary.  I have a 1 year old who doesn't sleep and is still breast fed so I have read the whole thing while I am up in the night!!  I love the fact it feels really real and you seem to have the same battles as me and my DH about lifestyle and how quickly the debt will go down.  I am also self employed and the more I work the more I make!!
All the best with it all and if I can work out how to do it I will subscribe to cheer you on!!

STM xxx