£67,031.92 is a frightening number indeed....

joedenise

That's a really useful tip PurpleFairy.  Just need to remember to buy an ice cream scoop!

Onebrokelady

Wow,you sound really focused,I'm glad you had a lovely holiday and have returned feeling refreshed and ready for action,I'm with you on the tea front, when I went took my children to the USA to see their dad we stayed with him and his wife in her house, they didn't even have a kettle and made their tea in the microwave,I was traumatised when I come home 😂

Treadingonplaymobil

Just having a quick bath before heading out to mediation (is it me, or do I always post from the bath these days?!) and thought I’d pop on to say hi.

I have sent XH and the mediator an agenda for the session, which consists of discussing (a) the short term living arrangements while we’re sharing the house (ie XH doing a share of food shopping/cooking/cleaning etc) and (b) medium term (1-12 months) finances - my goal is to get agreement to sell the house/XH to buy me out, plus DMP for us both (for me, with a view to using my equity to escape the DMP when we sell the house/XH buys me out), plus to work out a plan for me to rent elsewhere with the DCs and XH to move back into the house. It seems counter-intuitive to all the usual ‘don’t leave the house’ advice, but the house is such an unenjoyable environment (unfinished build, although safe and useable) that I think the DCs will be better spending the majority of their time elsewhere, and I am, to be honest, a little resentful of XH in his shiny new studio flat while the DCs live in a half finished house with a barely functioning oven and hob.

Slightly nervous! I shall report back when I get a chance.

Humdinger1

TOPM,
Fab to hear from you!  That all makes perfect sense and clarity is so good in these situations.   Look forward to hearing how mediation went; I'm sure you'll be the usual beacon of light and reason.  Your voice is so strong and calm, it will cut through any amount of unreality from EH. When I was doing it with my EH, the mediator told me at one point (when he was out of the room, against the rules) that he was being totally unreasonable.   What provoked it was his insistence that I spent maintenance on a rabbit run that he'd ordered without even consulting me, when we lived apart and the buns lived with me!  Hilarious in retrospect....love Humdinger x

Chrystal

Humdinger I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the bunny run story.... the mind boggles at some peoples reasoning (or lack of!) 

TOPM  I hope you had a constructive meeting with mediation, and that EH is more reasonable than Humdingers was,,, fingers crossed here. 

Humdinger1

Yes Chrystal, those poor dear buns  were veritable bones of contention!  I didn't even get them till after we'd parted, so not part of the family as he knew it.  I was sorry to hear that his new wife threatened to make any he acquired into stew - and no, I promise I'm not making it up!

Treadingonplaymobil

Well, it was... interesting.
XH for some reason decided that ‘planning and shopping for the children’s meals’ was the hill he wanted to die on, and threatened to walk out of mediation over it at one stage.

Anyway, once we got past that (with a little compromise from me, but he will be responsible for food on his bigger chunk of time with them on his weekends), we got onto the house. Lots of round and round (he wants the house/doesn’t want all the debt, which I can sympathise with but obviously isn’t workable), which we eventually got past. Now we’re essentially we’re in a holding pattern for two more months until Tesco will consider refinancing the joint loan into his sole name (in May, after a certain number of payments). I will take less maintenance until then and his partner will contribute to his finances to make this happen without us being essentially forced into a DMP. Things will be tight but I have a little bit of a cushion in my business account which I can use.

So not a glorious victory for me, but a small step forwards on my immediate time pressures (menu planning/shopping etc) and a clear plan for him before next mediation in May. Which will be almost a full year since separation.

There were a few other funny moments - he obviously isn’t happy with me working more hours and commented a couple of times that I spend my time with the DCs working (ie that is taking my time rather than food shopping etc). I don’t agree as I feel I need to secure my own finances, and also I rarely work when I have them these days - that was more of an emergency measure when we first separated. But there we go, I suppose there just WILL be things we don’t agree on, and that’s the nature of it - if we were on the same team 100% of the time we’d probably be happily married!

Honeysucklelou2

I’m really impressed by setting the agenda for mediation. Shows that you are thinking each step through and ensures the time is constructively used. I’m at the very beginning of the mediation process so reading with interest.

Do the children know where your XH lives when he isn’t with them?

Treadingonplaymobil

In the first session I didn’t, but in each one subsequently I’ve sent an email to XH with the current issues, asked for any points/argument from him (and anything we can agree by email before the session to maximise efficiency - summer holiday childcare schedule for instance was easily agreed by email), then sent a brief email to the mediator with where we’re both at. Despite all that XH was still cross when the housewifing/food shopping was on the agenda, but there we go. Can’t win ‘em all.

dawnybabes

He can’t have his cake and eat it ! What planet do some of these people live on ,.,,.