Physical contact/intimacy in long term relationships

Daffodilly_2

Hi all, just to clarify that I'm not a new poster as such, I had another alias on the forum (from years ago) but have not been able to access it so am starting afresh!

I've been in a relationship for five years now, we own a house together and this is my longest relationship to date having never got past two years previously. I'm in my late twenties and he's in his late thirties. We're not married and don't have any children. We seem to have hit a rough patch which has led me to question the level of physical contact/intimacy that is 'normal' for a longer term relationship - if there is a normal, and if my expectations are too high. I don't necessarily have the best examples of successful long term relationships around me to learn from, hence why I'm coming here! You see couples in their old age holding hands so I'm assuming all doesn't have to be lost and I'm not being immature to think that those behaviours could continue in a relationship?

So my question is, how long have you been with your partner and how much physical contact/intimacy do you have? I'm not necessarily meaning sex (unless people want to mention that) but more kissing, cuddling, hand holding and general touching I suppose. I hope that makes sense!

cats2012

We've been together 8 years officially, 10 including an on/off patch, and obviously sex has changed a lot since then but we do hold hands all the time when we're out and always kiss/cuddle loads - e.g. on the sofa watching tv, or cuddled in bed (although easier said than done when pregnant )

Everyone is different though - you need to talk to your OH about what you're missing and how he feels about it. Some people are not especially intimate generally and there's nothing wrong with that, but if it's bothering you then you need to discuss it together. What's normal for one couple isn't necessarily right for you.

Gloomendoom

Been married over eight years and the lust hasn't worn off yet.

catkins

Been married over 30 years and always cuddling and kissing. We hold hands walking down the street, sitting on the sofa etc.

Sex is not as frequent as it was but we are both happy with that

Daffodilly_2

cats2012 wrote: »

We've been together 8 years officially, 10 including an on/off patch, and obviously sex has changed a lot since then but we do hold hands all the time when we're out and always kiss/cuddle loads - e.g. on the sofa watching tv, or cuddled in bed (although easier said than done when pregnant )

Everyone is different though - you need to talk to your OH about what you're missing and how he feels about it. Some people are not especially intimate generally and there's nothing wrong with that, but if it's bothering you then you need to discuss it together. What's normal for one couple isn't necessarily right for you.

Thank you. We always were very physical but I noticed a change and it's one of those things where I'm not really sure how long it's been happening for. Only a few weeks that I'm aware of but I started to notice that I always seemed to be the one initiating cuddles, kisses, hand holding. He was still giving me a quick peck in the morning and before bed, goodbye when he went to work and when one of us got home but it felt like going through the motions. If I initiated cuddling he'd go along with it but it felt different. I did ask him about it (I was quite upset) and he wouldn't answer, said he didn't know what he wanted and since then there's been no physical contact between us at all. I tried to hug him one day and he didn't reciprocate. Don't get me wrong, this hasn't been going on for ages and other people have said maybe he's down, maybe he's tired but I'm not sure it is that. I feel like maybe I'm just being really insecure and clingy which is why I need some perspective.
I think perhaps his feelings on how much time we should spend together and how much physical contact there should be have changed. On one hand I think he wants the end of the relationship but on the other hand he said he still wanted to go with me to an activity at the weekend that was booked ages ago, so I just don't know.

Guest101

Daffodilly wrote: »

Hi all, just to clarify that I'm not a new poster as such, I had another alias on the forum (from years ago) but have not been able to access it so am starting afresh!

I've been in a relationship for five years now, we own a house together and this is my longest relationship to date having never got past two years previously. I'm in my late twenties and he's in his late thirties. We're not married and don't have any children. We seem to have hit a rough patch which has led me to question the level of physical contact/intimacy that is 'normal' for a longer term relationship - if there is a normal, and if my expectations are too high. I don't necessarily have the best examples of successful long term relationships around me to learn from, hence why I'm coming here! You see couples in their old age holding hands so I'm assuming all doesn't have to be lost and I'm not being immature to think that those behaviours could continue in a relationship?

So my question is, how long have you been with your partner and how much physical contact/intimacy do you have? I'm not necessarily meaning sex (unless people want to mention that) but more kissing, cuddling, hand holding and general touching I suppose. I hope that makes sense!

In my experience the kissing, touching etc almost non-existent after a while. The sex, well lets just say quality over quantity after 5 years!


But I never felt it was a problem. I would be more concerned if I felt I needed to have the relationship validated every day

onomatopoeia99

In my longest relationship, which was a little longer than yours OP, sex was most nights unless she was on shark week, though sometimes she initiated it then as well, and there were lots of kisses and cuddles. Then it all stopped completely and a few days later when I asked her what was wrong (I don't like to put pressure on, and talking about that stuff is really difficult, but couldn't leave the situation as it was without knowing what had happened or I had done that would cause such a change) , she announced she was leaving me for someone else and would be gone in a hour (and was).

So, I'd suggest the fire might dim a little from the burning the candle at both ends phase right at the start, but shouldn't be completely extinguished. He may not be having an affair as that's only one possible explanation, but something may have happened that to make him think / worry / re-evaluate etc.

It would be good if you could talk.

Guest101

Daffodilly wrote: »

Thank you. We always were very physical but I noticed a change and it's one of those things where I'm not really sure how long it's been happening for. Only a few weeks that I'm aware of but I started to notice that I always seemed to be the one initiating cuddles, kisses, hand holding. He was still giving me a quick peck in the morning and before bed, goodbye when he went to work and when one of us got home but it felt like going through the motions. If I initiated cuddling he'd go along with it but it felt different. I did ask him about it (I was quite upset) and he wouldn't answer, said he didn't know what he wanted and since then there's been no physical contact between us at all. I tried to hug him one day and he didn't reciprocate. Don't get me wrong, this hasn't been going on for ages and other people have said maybe he's down, maybe he's tired but I'm not sure it is that. I feel like maybe I'm just being really insecure and clingy which is why I need some perspective.
I think perhaps his feelings on how much time we should spend together and how much physical contact there should be have changed. On one hand I think he wants the end of the relationship but on the other hand he said he still wanted to go with me to an activity at the weekend that was booked ages ago, so I just don't know.

Sorry but this sounds really needy and basically the emotional level I'd expect from a 15 year old not 25+


Take a step back and read what you wrote, but concentrate on the bolded bits. Imagine if he behaved this way, constantly wanting your validation. I know everyone is different but neediness and being clingy are some of the most reported turn-offs.

firebird082

I was pointed in the direction of a book before we got married called 'The 5 love languages'. Very interesting idea that each person has a favoured method of showing and receiving love. My OH is very much a 'physical contact' type, so lots of cuddles and touching, whereas I am all about having his attention for a period of time. If I didn't reciprocate (or understand) his need for touch, then I imagine he would be feeling much like you seem t be. Maybe an aspect worth considering?

Gavin83

Essentially it doesn't matter what anyone writes here, it's all about what is acceptable for you. If you don't feel like you have enough affection then say something and see if you can compromise.

Personally I couldn't have sex less than twice a week but from what I'm told this is above average.

Daffodilly_2

Guest101 wrote: »

Sorry but this sounds really needy and basically the emotional level I'd expect from a 15 year old not 25+


Take a step back and read what you wrote, but concentrate on the bolded bits. Imagine if he behaved this way, constantly wanting your validation. I know everyone is different but neediness and being clingy are some of the most reported turn-offs.

Believe me, I know how it sounds, that's why I'm here questioning myself! I don't necessarily feel that I need validation and definitely not constant, just that a precedent had been set for our relationship, mainly by him and that's now changed. Obviously things have changed over time and I know and expect that, I was just questioning to what extent is normal.

How are you supposed to know whether your relationship is more romantic than platonic if neither of you is showing it occasionally? Do you just accept that that's what happens? Perhaps the answer is yes.

Regardless, I've completely backed off anyway and am questioning my own behaviour.