Derek's story

[Deleted User]

Some people are lonely through their own making.

My mother greeted everyone who came to see her with the words 'What do you want' no wonder she died a lonely old woman.

[Deleted User]

Deleted_User wrote: »

Some people are lonely through their own making.

My mother greeted everyone who came to see her with the words 'What do you want' no wonder she died a lonely old woman.

sadly there are some folk who just don't want or need friends I happily am not one of them :):)

Pollycat

Deleted_User wrote: »

Some people are lonely through their own making.

My mother greeted everyone who came to see her with the words 'What do you want' no wonder she died a lonely old woman.

I agree.

A friend of mine's elderly Mother sits at home all day.
When my friend goes to visit, she asks if she's been in touch with her sisters (friend's Aunts) and she answers 'No, well they're always busy with their families.'
Or 'They might not be in'.

Same with her friends.

My friend had told her that if she doesn't make the effort to keep in touch, sooner or later they'll stop bothering to contact her.

moneyistooshorttomention

Imo - it is nice (very nice) if one can find people with similar outlooks/values/etc as oneself. It saves one hell of a lot of explaining/being disapproved of for views that there is nothing wrong with (they just arent the views of the person concerned). It helps a heck of a lot if someone with a very different set of views can manage to restrain themselves from saying they are "shocked" any time a different set of views is expressed to their own:cool::mad::eek:

But imo - that is something that is rare to very rare (ie that same set of values).:(.

The rest of the time it's down to "get on out there and see who's there" and accept that the vast majority of the human race very likely does have different values/different interests - but see who comes over as friendly out of that. Followed by regarding yourself as lucky if someone does have a pretty similar outlook/values - as it really isnt that common imo.

I'm working on a theory currently that goes = there is a pretty "common value" outlook taken fairly much for granted in one's own generation as the majority viewpoint. Now - as we all know - there are several different generations inhabiting Planet Earth at any given time. Add that there will be some "fluidity" of borders for any given value/opinion - and some will have the value/opinion of the next generation up from them and others of the next generation down from them imo.

Personally - I work on the basis of there will be an element of "mix and match" on that one. Right now - I've got a coffee date lined-up with someone of the next generation down from mine and I know we have some different values at the outset - but...well....she makes me laugh with the way she teases me because I'm old enough to be her mother:rotfl:

To me - I think that's where a lot of loneliness comes from - ie wanting people around of the same generation as oneself and with similar values. It ain't gonna happen for many of us - as those of us that are healthier (luck and/or looking after our health are going to see many of our own generation die before us). So - I'm coming to regard it as a scenario that isn't that likely in actual fact and sometimes one has to take a look at those with different values and/or a different generation. Even though similar values and same generation is much the easiest choice for company in many ways imo.

LameWolf

Some are lonely through fear.

I greatly value the cyber-friends I have here, but I am terrified by the idea of going out and socialising, as I am unable to read facial expressions correctly, and inevitably end up upsetting someone though misconstruing their intent. So I don't do it at all.

VfM4meplse

LameWolf wrote: »

Some are lonely through fear.

I greatly value the cyber-friends I have here, but I am terrified by the idea of going out and socialising, as I am unable to read facial expressions correctly, and inevitably end up upsetting someone though misconstruing their intent. So I don't do it at all.

What about telephone contact? Schedule a time, make your favourite beverage and have a good natter.

Sometimes R4 is not enough.

VfM4meplse

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

To me - I think that's where a lot of loneliness comes from - ie wanting people around of the same generation as oneself and with similar values. It ain't gonna happen for many of us - as those of us that are healthier (luck and/or looking after our health are going to see many of our own generation die before us). So - I'm coming to regard it as a scenario that isn't that likely in actual fact and sometimes one has to take a look at those with different values and/or a different generation. Even though similar values and same generation is much the easiest choice for company in many ways imo.

I find the opposite, many of my friends are a lot older than me (my parents generation). I've always been the youngest for some reason (starts with having an August birthday, then getting ahead in my career v early). And now you have me worried, what happens when they move on? Better make some younger friends, pronto!

moneyistooshorttomention

VfM4meplse wrote: »

I find the opposite, many of my friends are a lot older than me (my parents generation). I've always been the youngest for some reason (starts with having an August birthday, then getting ahead in my career v early). And now you have me worried, what happens when they move on? Better make some younger friends, pronto!

To me - that's where I regard it quite pragmatically as A Good Idea to also make younger friends too.

I can see crystal clear that many of my own generation are neglecting their health - and there is every chance they will, in the main, die before I do so. I wouldnt want to be sitting there for the last 10 years or so of my life thinking "Where has everyone gone?" (ie because many of them had died).

On the plus side - I am finding that it often happens that I'm better able to "have a laugh" with a younger generation. Yeh...okay....so I sometimes think "cheeky little so-and-sos" - but they've made me laugh...and they know it....

Personally, too I have a theory that goes:

- You wait for your choice of potential husbands to come out of University (assuming that's the "men most likely" from your personal pov) - but by the time they come out they are often already snapped up (ie by those of your generation that went there - when you didnt do so).

- Then you wait for people (of both sexes) to have made their mark careerwise and/or done the first few years of child-rearing (ie to be fully available as friends).

- Then you wait for them to get through the teenage years/their marriage break-ups

- Then you wait for them to get through any "being a carer" type stuff they are doing (if you're a woman - because it may be the 21st century - but it does tend to be women getting into that situation still)

- Then you decide "Blow it - there's clearly always going to be Something in many peoples lives that prevents them being that available for just Getting On With Life" and you just get on and think whether someone seems like they might be a nice person and/or is a "bit of a laugh" and just glad if they're "available" and not going to condemn you for having a different (and perfectly acceptable) set of views to them and accept you regardless.

Tiddlywinks

kittie wrote: »

a lot of loneliness can be self-driven, so many people expect others to come to them but that does not happen.

It's not really that simple - 'self driven' suggests a conscious decision to withdraw but that is often very far from the case with people experiencing loneliness and, in my opinion, it's a bit offensive to frame it as a self imposed problem.

Yes, there are some people that choose to be reclusive and are happy in their own company but that is a different situation entirely and not really relevant.

Health (physical and mental) and domestic and financial circumstances all have a far larger part to play than personal choice.

kittie wrote: »

You actually have to go out and smile, people always stop to talk if you have a nice word to say to them.

Easier said than done and not actually true - I'd suggest that you'd have to smile at a lot of people to get someone to stop and talk.... Very far from the 'always' you suggest.

kittie wrote: »

What is loneliness though? People, like me, can be alone but never lonely. You have to make your own comfortable nest, hobbies help a lot, different things to do in the day. No point in moping. The most lonely I ever felt was as a brand new mum, on a big housing estate. Loneliness can hit all ages. Really we are all alone, our own little islands. It is how we cope that makes the difference between loneliness and being comfortable alone

Sorry but this really gets the 'no **** Sherlock' award for mis-understanding the point of the original post.

Just because YOU choose to go out and get hobbies etc doesn't mean everyone else is able to do just that.

kittie wrote: »

Good topic op. I suggest that anyone gets involved in a hobby for starters and don`t assume that anyone but yourself can make that lonely feeling go away

Have you any awareness at all of how many isolated people there are hidden from society? Those with an illness that makes travel or communication difficult? Or those with mental health issues that makes socialising more difficult?

That's what this thread is about and thanks to the OP for the link... good to see that the 'experts' don't think the solution is quite as simple as you'd have us believe... there's more to it than 'get a hobby and get yourself out and about'.

<and breathe>

LameWolf

VfM4meplse wrote: »

What about telephone contact? Schedule a time, make your favourite beverage and have a good natter.

Sometimes R4 is not enough.

Not do-able. I am telephone-phobic to the extent that if Mr LW is using the phone, I leave the room.
Also - who would I natter to? And what does one natter about? I never developed the art of small-talk.