I’m taking control of my life, now.

EssexHebridean

Oh lovely, I’m so sorry you’re struggling, and yes, absolutely get that the conversation being had isn’t one that everyone is able to join in with, or even wants to join in with.  I don’t think there is anything surprising about you being incredibly emotionally fragile right now either - “firsts” after the loss of someone close are always difficult to navigate aren’t they. Treat yourself kindly and remember that  there’s no “right way” to grieve, either. Sending lots of love. 

CRANKY40

Even with warning from a few internet sites that I chatted on I still wasn't prepared for the first anniversary of my husband's death to grab me by the throat like it did. I wasn't ready for the second and third years to be the same either.  After 12 years I still prefer to mostly ignore my birthday too as it's the day before his was and his birthday was also our wedding anniversary. Grief is a very personal journey, don't let anyone tell you how you should behave and make you feel like "you should be over it by now". The rage is also normal and so are all the other feelings....sadness, jealousy when you see other people with the equivalent of the person that you no longer have... there's lots. I'm sorry that you're struggling, it really is a tough time. 

Hugs 

savingholmes

EH, GAP and Cranky put it so well - I have little to add. Other than that whatever you're feeling is normal and part of being human, a difficult part, but part nonetheless. Hugs.

boxofpaws

Thanks everyone. It's just weird. I didn't expect 12 months to be worse than 11 months. I am trying not to think about what was happening this time last year but it keeps worming its way into my head.

Cranky40 - I do hope no one told you you should be over it by now. I don't know what it is like to lose a spouse and I don't know how you compare it to losing a parent but I had it described to me as 'your parents are your past, but your spouse is supposed to be part of your future'. It must be very hard. If it's worse than losing my Dad, I find it unimaginable.

I think because losing your parents is the natural order of things, that people think that makes it ok somehow. You are expected to have an appropriate period of mourning and that's it, because that's life. Society does not expect you to grieve and feel pain for the wretched loss of a beloved parent. 

Anyway, enough of this now, Paws.

Be back with MSE news later 

savingholmes

I think our society is really poor at modelling grief. I think however we feel is fine and every loss triggers different responses. Sometimes it's a cumulative effect. Loss during the pandemic also makes it harder to access support from others and reduces the opportunity to grieve together.

Drawingaline

Grief is such a personal journey and everyone has the right to experience it and react in their own way. I have been incredibly lucky (up to now) with my losses mostly limited to grandparents who were all well into their 80's, 90's and even beyond! Sad, but to me felt like part of life. 

However I did lose a friend suddenly in my 20's, and while I grieved for them, and their families loss, it affected me in ways I could never have imagined it would. Choices I have made since, have had that event in the front of my mind. Life can be devestatingly short, and sometimes things have to be grabbed hold of with both hands.

Grieve how you choose/need to and never feel ashamed at feeling a certain way. And know when you may need a little help, again, no shame in needing to lean on people. 

Gently hugs at this time 

boxofpaws

Thanks both

The year milestone has been passed and somehow, I think I feel a bit better. On the day, we went and walked by the sea near Filey where we camped when I was wee, went for a carvery, and raised a glass to him in the evening with friends. I think he would approve.

boxofpaws

Right, MSE stuff - I have been working on the offsetting of the watch spends, I’m around £160 in now.

Good things

• Mum has given me a little bit of money towards fuel. This really helps I go backwards and forwards to her all week and it does cost me a fortune in fuel
• I have made around £60 doing the forbidden thing.
• Would like to round that up to £100 before Christmas - I will track my progress here
• payday today
• Mr Paws put some lovely outdoor lights up
• Applied for a tax rebate for working from home. So apparently I have a cheque for £100 on its way to me now 
• I am not hosting Christmas. Instead we are going to my sisters. I am bringing some bits and bobs but it should be still cheaper than hosting here. Plus I do quite like my sister

Bad things

• Because I am contributing some items for the meal I have spent quite a lot on food
• After bragging on this thread earlier that we don’t buy Christmas presents, I have bought Christmas presents. Nothing very expensive but just to make sure but my mum has something to open on Christmas day. Also so that my hosts know I appreciate their hospitality

EssexHebridean

And that sounds like a very good reason for buying presents, even when you wouldn't normally.

I'm glad you feel a bit more settled - and it very much sounds like he would have approved of your way of marking the year. It's lovely that you found such a fitting way of paying tribute to how special he was. 

Good work on the tax rebate, too! 

savingholmes

Glad you were able to celebrate your Dad's life in a meaningful way for you. 

Good news on the £160.

On the presents front - it's understandable... I have bought my wider family token presents - even ones I don't normally buy for...